Back to Reality

After spending an amazing week in the warm sunny (ok, it was downright hot) Florida weather, I'm now once again back to reality in Colorado. The kids and I did Christmas on the 29th and today is our 'down' day before celebrating my son's birthday tomorrow with family. Then it's a whirlwind of friends over the weekend until school starts again on the 5th. I can't believe how quickly it's gone already. I've been in my new house officially for a year now and I'm so thankful that I have fewer and fewer sad milestones to pass by. From now on, the memories of 'what I was doing at this time last year' will be happier ones. *deeply contented sigh*

48 of 99

So, I don't have a lot to talk about right now. Life is good. I'm plugging along getting things finished up for the semester at school and looking forward to some relaxation over the holidays. Here's some thoughts to ponder. Read through the list and see how many you've done!

1. Started your own blog (um.. you're here aren't you?)
2. Slept under the stars (technically we all sleep under the stars.. but I've done it without anything between me and the stars before).
3. Played in a band MS band (clarinet and trumpet) High School Jazz Band (keyboards) and Chuch Worship Band (keyboards/vocals)
4. Visited Hawaii May 2007
5. Watched a meteor shower with my children on the roof.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo I used to sing in church all the time.
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning. I'm pretty sure I have
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch-hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill I have when my kids are sick. Someone has to stay home and make sure they're ok. :)
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset both in the same day.
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied and wasn't satisfied anyway, because money isn't the key to satisfaction or happiness.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business I did all the paperwork and worked for my ex so I guess I 'started' it with him.
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen.
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma I donated for preemies when I lived in Co Spgs. I feel guilty if I don't since I'm a universal donor.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check ugh.. yeah. But not in over a year.
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
85. Read the entire Bible in a year.
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating fish count right?
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby Three of the most beautiful ones in the world!
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit.
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

If you want to play, leave me a comment so I know to come read yours. Cut and paste, bold the ones you've done. Additional anecdotal comments are optional.

Avoidance

1. I'm avoiding grading accounting finals. But, the sooner they're done the sooner I can get on with Christmas break.

2. I'm trying to avoid being sick over Christmas break and went to the Dr. today. He gave me a sinus irrigation system. I'm also avoiding using that, but know I will have to bite the bullet soon.

3. Today I was faced with the choice of avoiding my ex-husband (who was at my school for a training session) or making him feel welcome. I said hi and chatted with him for a few minutes. I'm glad I did.

Moral of the story? Stop avoiding the things that seem unpleasant and just go do it already. You'll be proud of yourself once you do.

Traditions

So, this being the first year I've had my kids that I don't have to bow to the traditions of spouses, parents, etc.. I would like to try something new.. but I'm not sure what. Any suggestions? What are YOUR favorite Christmas traditions (or New Years Eve, because I'll actually have them New Years Eve, but not Christmas Eve or Christmas Day this year).

Also.. does the DAY really matter?? We won't celebrate "Christmas" this year together until Dec 29th. That's when I get them for my time during break. I won't have them the night before, so won't be able to do Christmas "Eve" type things with them (new pj's etc).. but I'd still like suggestions.. memories.. wishes?

525,600 minutes

How do you measure a year?



Today, it has been one year since "M" (second husband) set forth the final ultimatum and the decision to divorce was made. As I sat at the Christmas concert last night for my youngest, and the 4-6 grade choir sang this song, I thought, wow.. what a year it's been. So much has happened. I looked around the auditorium and saw the faces of people who were strangers a year ago, who are now friends. As my older two children sat behind me with their Dad, I thanked God that not only have I been there for all their 'stuff' (I'll attend their band concert tonight) but that some measure of healing has happened between their dad, "S", (my first husband) and me.

As the song goes on to say, "measure in love... seasons of love". This past year has been a season of learning to love myself, getting to know myself again, and being content with who I am. This is a different kind of love than I've ever experienced, and if going through all that has happened in the past 9+ years is what needed to happen to bring me here, then I'm glad for all the years where there wasn't that love. It makes what I have now that much more amazing.

This year, the season of hope, peace, joy, grace and love is more real to me than it's ever been. As I look forward to spending time this Christmas with my children, my extended family, and with those I love, God's presence is very near. I hope that for everyone I know, they will find a measure of that hope, peace, joy, grace and love for themselves. It's been a good way to measure a year.

Egg Nog

So, since we've exhausted the subject of Oreos, I thought I'd ask about another one of my holiday favorites: Egg Nog. Personally, I LOVE egg nog. I think the nog should be available year round. It's probably a good thing it isn't, because I'd weigh 200 lbs if it were. On the way to my mom's house for Thanksgiving dinner, the kids and I stopped at McDonalds to get Egg Nog Milkshakes... the season just isn't complete for me without Egg Nog milkshakes, real Egg Nog (the non alcoholic kind) and Pumpkin pie. I'm also sort of wondering if this is a regional thing. So, hey all you Florida people, do you drink Egg Nog down there? :)

Oreos

How do you eat an Oreo? Is there a "right" way to do it?

I never really thought I was an Oreo lover, but lately.. I've been enjoying eating them with my kids. (We bought the holiday kind with the peppermint frosting.) We were all sitting on the couch watching TV the other day and eating Oreos when I discovered that we all eat them the same way. Here is how we do it:

1. Pull apart the two chocolate wafers carefully, trying to keep all the icing on one wafer. Set the 'clean' wafer aside.

2. Gently peel off the icing from the chocolate wafer(s). This is usually done with your tongue and/or teeth but you NEVER scrape the cookie with your teeth.. just nibble no licking even. If you have to.. get a butter knife and loosen the frosting from the wafer. Eat the frosting as you get it off the wafer.

3. Repeat 1 and 2 for all cookies you are planning on eating. Then stack the frosting free wafers on top of each other (if you have 3 oreos, you'll have 6 wafers)

4. Eat each frosting free wafer one at a time, taking small bites and letting each bite melt in your mouth.

We do not dunk, we do not scrape, we do not lick. We enjoy the pristine chocolate wafer and savor every bite. :)

So... how do YOU eat an Oreo?

Blessings

This morning in church we sang "Count your blessings". For those of you unfamiliar with the tune, it basically says when you're feeling low, count your blessings and realize how much God has done for you. This year, as I approach the actual holiday, my heart is overflowing with thanksgiving for all the blessings I've received in the past year. So, I thought I might take the opportunity to count as many as I can think of off the top of my head.

1. My relationship with God is deeper, richer and more solid than ever before in my life.
2. The custody battle for the kids is finally over (it only took 3+ years)
3. I get to see my kids almost 50% of the time and be an every day part of their lives.
4. I enjoy the love and commitment of the most honest, decent, honorable man I know.
5. My home is beautiful, clean and peaceful (that counts as three because I REALLY needed this space to be clean, beautiful and peaceful this year to heal my heart).
8. I'm able to support myself financially.
9. I have a job that while sometimes frustrating, I am good at.
10. My health is overall good.
11. I'm making friends in my new town.
12. I'm catching up with old friends online.
13. I've resolved a lot of issues from my childhood and my past relationships.
14. I know myself and like myself better than I ever have.
15. The future looks promising.

That's good for right now..

What are YOU thankful for this year? Care to count your blessings?

Recovering

Planning for a vacation and then recovering from taking the vacation (especially when it means writing substitute plans and then coming back to the aftermath of those carefully written plans not entirely followed) is sometimes not worth the vacation. That wasn't really the case for me, I've been planning this vacation for months, but getting back into the groove of 'regular' life (to the tune of a 7:15 am staff meeting) was brutal today. Plus, I'm recovering from the I miss my honey blues. It will lessen with time, unfortunately.

Arrivals

The love of my life will arrive via airplane today for a little mini getaway. This will be the first time we've been in Colorado together. So, we're going skiing, I'm taking him to Beau Jo's pizza to experience a "mountain pie", and then we'll be hanging around my house for a few days. Yes, I have a few honey do projects in mind, but I'm really just looking forward to having some much needed face time.

Time

Two themes that seem to keep repeating themselves in almost every single devotional or scripture that I read lately are "Wait" and "Forgive".

WAIT

What am I waiting for? Most importantly, I'm waiting for God's timing in two specific areas. The first area is in relationship. There's this amazing man that I have the privilege to know and love that I'd like to spend the rest of my life with, but in order to spend the rest of my life with him, I have to actually be in his physical presence. Since he lives 1700 miles away right now, that's a little hard to accomplish. It's that whole song about you can dip your foot in the pool but you can't take a swim. I know it's there, I know it will happen, it's just the waiting for it to start that is hard. The reason I think I have to wait for the next stage in this relationship is because I'm also waiting for healing. I've worked through a lot already, but there are still areas that are stubborn, hard to get over or around.. because they're processes I have to go through. Going through something is much harder than going around it or getting over it. One of those areas is forgiveness.

FORGIVE

Forgiveness has always meant to me that I somehow have to release the other person of the responsibility of their actions, or that I have to be ok with what they did, or that I have to be friends with them again. When we were children, we were taught to say "I'm sorry" to people even when we didn't feel sorry for what we had done. The automatic response that was expected was "I forgive you" even when forgiveness really hadn't taken place. Forgiveness is more than just saying the words (much as an apology is more than just saying I'm sorry)

So, if it's not just speaking the right words, What is it?

Forgiveness is a way of releasing yourself from the pain you have experienced at the hands of others. It is a release from judgment, including your judgment of yourself. The hardest exercise in forgiveness I've experienced so far, is forgiving myself for inflicting pain upon my children when I divorced their dad 10 years ago.

Forgiveness does not mean you have to be ok with what the other person did to you. It does not mean you can change what happened or erase the consequences of what they did. What’s done is done. All you can do is release yourself, and stop re-living the pain. Stop wallowing in it.

Forgiveness is not something you do for someone else, but to free yourself from the continuatiual pain and anger. It is a gift to yourself of peace of mind, peace in your relationships with others, and a clear perception of yourself and a clean slate for the future.

So, why is that so hard to do? Probably because it takes time. Just when you think there's no pain left, no area you haven't mulled over, worked through or given over to God, something else pops up and you have to go through it all again. I'm not saying I will ever be able to perfectly forgive, but I can diligently work through the past and come to terms with what has transpired in my life and let those lessons strengthen my future. It all just takes time. Since I seem to have a lot of that on my hands lately, this must be what I'm supposed to be learning right now.

Grace

Today the speaker in church talked about things that are beyond our control. Things we can't change, no matter how hard we try. Paul called this his 'thorn'. This thorn ensured daily reliance on God's grace to get him through the day. It left me asking the question.. What is my thorn? What is it that drives me daily to seek God's grace.. or what SHOULD be driving me to daily reliance on grace? The past years have brought much perseverance into my life, much waiting, much grace. I remember crying out to God about this time last year that I was at my limit. I couldn't do it anymore.. I couldn't stand the life situation I was in and begged for something to change. I begged for deliverance. He answered so quickly and so completely so as to form no doubt that it was His doing, and not my own. He continues to sustain me, giving me what I need, but not all I want. Keeping that reliance on His grace ever present. For that, I am grateful.

Lessons

Recently I've reconnected with a LOT of people from my past. Friends from High School (and some not-so-friends from High School) Church camp friends, college friends. People I forgot I even knew. It's amazing the mix of people that have been brought into my life one way or another. They've each taught me lessons... some very valuable, others that I could have learned from anyone, they just happened to be in the right place at the right time. Sometimes I wonder what lessons they might have learned from me. What are others learning from you? I have a sign in my classroom that says "You're someone's role model whether you realize it or not". It helps me be more mindful of my actions.

A new leaf

No, really.. I have new leaves ALL over my yard this week after hours of raking last weekend... but I digress. This really isn't about that. Nor is it about the election held here yesterday which ran on a campaign of 'change' for America. (Change just for the sake of change is not always a good thing).

This is about me. (Of course it is, this is MY blog after all!) Something has changed over the last few months, and I'm not sure what. I have less enthusiasm about just about everything in my life. I honestly don't care about doing much more than making it through another day. So, today, I decided I was tired of living that way.. and made my own personal change.

They say to 'fake it till you feel it' in some instances, and that's exactly what I attempted today. I attempted to be cheerful, to be interested in what was going on within and outside of my classroom. I walked briskly and with purpose, and I tried to turn over a new leaf. I've been fighting 'burnout' in education this year fiercely. I need something different to happen. I think that something different needs to be me.

I'm still figuring this out, so it may take a while, but at least getting through another school day wasn't as painful as pulling out my fingernails one by one. It's got to get better.. or I've got to find another profession.

Political

I'm SO incredibly tired of political ads and phone calls. BLECH. I can't wait for this election to be over and done with and to not have to hear about it again for a long time. It's almost enough to make me NOT want to vote, but I think I have to this year. Can't wait for Novemeber 5th.

Resting

As I walked to church this morning with the leaves crunching beneath my feet and the cool wind making me thankful for the light sweater I wore, I smelled fall on the wind followed by snow. The smell of wood smoke lingered in the air as I looked over the fields that were green just a few weeks ago, now mellowed to a dusty tan. The earth is getting ready to rest, to hibernate under its covers of leaves and snow and prepare for another year. I, too, am resting, curling up under the covers of blankets and comforters and recovering from all this year has brought. This time of year always makes me reflective, more so this year than ever before. I’m not sure I’ve really taken the time to process all that happened at the end of 2007. I am still amazed at where God has brought me and at all of the healing that has taken place. There are changes within me I never expected. I am deeply content with who I am and where I’m at in life. I’m not restless or in pursuit of anything greater than what I already have. I am grateful for all I’ve been given. Life is good.

Philippians 4:7 (The Amplified Bible) And God's peace shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Sick

I've been fighting it for well over a week now and I have to finally admit it, I'm sick. (Yo! No comments from the peanut gallery about my mental state. We all know that ship sailed a LOOOONG time ago.) I've had a raging headache for the last 24 hours. My throat feels like someone buffed it with sand paper and my voice is barely more than a squeak most of the time. It's really hard to teach when you can't talk. My students love it. :) Tonight I started in with the chills and nausea. So, bring on the chicken soup, dayquil, robitussin, vitamin C, hot baths and lots of rest. I'm sick... and I'm tired of fighting it.

Memory

The way we remember things is fascinating to me. If I had a lot of money and a lot of time on my hands, it would be something I'd love to research. I have a theory that we don't really start remembering things until we start talking (as toddlers, around age 2). Then as we progress and mature, memory is enhanced and compounded with other senses, sound, sight, smell. There have been times in my life that were extremely stressful, and it was all I could do to get through one day at a time. Those times I have very little memory of. Maybe it's the mind's way of protecting itself. Then other times a certain smell will bring back long-forgotten memories so vivid I feel like I'm re-living that situation. Other times I will see something (usually a photo of someone) whom I had forgotten about, and suddenly a flood of memories will come back associated with that person. It seems that as time goes on, people tend to look back at situations that they may have thought were horrible at the time and think 'it wasn't so bad' and remember those times fondly, or at least remember the people fondly. I think our brains filter more than we realize, and that for the most part, it's a self-preservation instinct.

Seasonable

I've discovered that seasonable is a relative term. This week has been proof of that as I try valiantly NOT to get a cold. Fall weather with the extremes in temperatures really play havoc with my system. I'm constantly either too warm or too cold and so I dress in layers so I can adjust my temperature accordingly. This morning I wore a t-shirt, sweater and medium weight coat to work to ward off the chilly 35 degree weather. I ended up carrying both the sweater and the jacket home as the temperatures soared into the 70's today.

But hey, good news, the ski areas opened this week, so that means winter is officially on it's way.

So, hopefully you're enjoying the weather, whatever it may be wherever you are. God gives us seasons (in weather and in life) for a reason. :)

Forgive

I receive a daily email from Divorcecare.com. The past week or so the topic has been forgiveness. I'm struggling with this right now. I hate the effect my ex can have on me still, almost a year after the decision to divorce was finally made. Even after years of his repeated threats to leave me knowing that my abandonment issues from childhood would be just the button to push to 'keep me in line'. I think he was surprised when I finally gave in to his last threat, his last diatribe about being done and finally agreed with him. I think he's even more surprised that I've managed to land on my feet and am making it without him. I walked away and never looked back. So, now he tries to get to me through the guise of keeping some sort of a relationship with my kids. They don't want a relationship with him, so at this point, I'm ready to completely sever all ties to him. I owe him nothing and want nothing from him but for him to leave me and my children alone. But, is severing ties really forgiving, or is it just burying the hurt? More than anything I want to DEAL with all of the emotional damage done to me in the past and fully heal so that these issues don't resurface in future (well, really, present) relationships.

What I've read so far in these daily devotionals is that:
Forgiveness is not a feeling.
Forgiveness does not mean pretending you weren't hurt.
Forgiveness is not justifying the other person's actions.
Forgiveness does not mean trust.
Forgiveness is not relieving the other person of responsibility.
Forgiveness is a choice.

I don't want to carry the hurt around, it gives him power over me. He doesn't deserve to have any sort of power over me. I don't want to let this damage make me bitter and hateful. I don't want to close myself off and not risk loving again. I want to be free from all these piles of garbage he dumped into my life. If forgiveness is a choice, then I choose not to go back over this ground again. I choose to not revisit old wounds, I choose not to let things get to me. Even though I don't FEEL like forgiving him, It doesn't mean It didn't hurt, it doesn't mean he was right, it doesn't mean I have to trust him, it doesn't mean I have to have a relationship at all with him. It means I choose to walk away without taking the garbage with me.

Funk

I've been in sort of a funk all day. I think it's because I woke up angry. I'm angry because I dreamt about the ex last night, and dreamt he was belittling me, making snide comments to me at a family gathering. Whether this was just a vivid memory (because there were many instances like this) or a dream, I'm not sure. This all came about because of an email he sent yesterday. It's amazing how one little snide comment, one assumption made about how I feel can dredge up hurts I thought were long dealt with. I'm realizing that some wounds are deep, it takes time for them to fully heal. More than anything I *want* to fully heal, but it's a longer process than I expected. I wish I could just purge my memory and soul from the negativity he brought (and continues to try to bring) into my life. I try to remember the good times, think of good qualities about him, and forgive. It's harder than it sounds.

Dare

At this point,I've been writing about the love dare for almost 20 days. The love dare is a 40 day journey toward leading your heart back into loving your spouse. While I will probably continue to read through the Love Dare book on my own, I'm going to stop blogging about it daily. It's been a good tool for me so far to take a look at some of the things in past relationships that I could have done differently, and hope to do differently in the future. But, for now, I have some other things in my life I'm concentrating on, and I need to have the freedom to explore other things right now. If you've enjoyed reading about The Love Dare, I encourage you to buy a book on your own and start your own love dare!

Wait

Today the overwhelming message I have received is “wait”. But not just to wait impatiently, or to wait in vain, but to wait with great expectation. Wait with confident assurance. This morning in my women’s Bible study class this quote jumped out at me. “We are never standing still, we are either going forward or backward, but when it seems like we are standing still, that is when we are waiting on God, and in that time of waiting, we are actively preparing for what He has in store for us”. That was a reminder I needed while I wait and prepare for the next adventure in my life.

Then in the sermon, the visiting speaker talked about betrothal and how in ancient Jewish customs, the man would ask the girl’s father for her hand in marriage and if the father agreed, and the daughter agreed, then the two exchanged rings and the betrothal period began. The groom would go away, back to his home and prepare a place (build a house – usually an addition to his father’s house or on his father’s property) for the bride. He also worked to raise the bride price that was decided upon by her father. While he was gone, the bride would prepare herself to become a wife, to have all the linens, utensils, bedding, clothing and household items she would need (her hope chest). She would be actively preparing while waiting, not only her material possessions, but her heart to become the wife of her betrothed. This betrothal period was legally binding (Mary and Joseph were betrothed when Jesus was born, and in order to get out of that circumstance, Joseph would have had to give Mary a certificate of divorce). The bride might wait 2 years (or more) for her groom to return. He would return to claim his bride, and expect her to be ready and waiting for him. There would ensue a wedding and a 7 day feast marking the ‘honeymoon’ period. They would then return to the home the groom had prepared for them. The illustration the Bible uses to describe the relationship between Christ and the Church is that of a bridegroom who has gone to prepare a place for his beloved, and when he returns, He will expect us to be ready and waiting, that we will have been preparing all along for His return. Not flailing around or getting tired and wandering off, but diligently working at what He asked us to do.

This applies to so many areas of life both spiritually and in practical life. I waited a long time to have more custodial time with my children. While I waited, I wasn’t always patient, I wasn’t always diligent and sometimes I wasn’t even sure it would ever happen. But, I was able to continue to wait, to put my trust in God and to do whatever I could in the meantime to be there for my kids. I didn't have a choice.. I was fully committed to being their mom the moment they were born. I couldn't just decide to walk away and cease being their mom. So, I had to continue to do what I could despite the distance and legal issues. That obstacle was one of the biggest I’ve ever had to overcome in my life. I thought it had made me a patient person. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to wait placidly and calmly and do ‘nothing’. My personality just isn’t one to sit still or stand back when there’s something to be accomplished.

So, while I confidently wait for the man in my life, I am preparing. I’m looking over the fractures and fissures and some gaping holes in my heart and spackling and painting and doing some major remodeling in some areas. I am working at getting rid of all the excess garbage, de-cluttering and organizing so that my beloved won’t be constantly tripping over the chaos and brokenness inside. Never before have I wanted so much to present myself as whole and radiant to my groom.

In the past, I thought that whatever circumstance or brokenness I was facing, my spouse would help heal. That just being married would solve many of my problems. I know I have the strength to solve these problems with God’s help, and none other. I know that when I face my groom, I will do so with no gaping holes, no peeling paint or questionable construction.

Understood

"When a man is trying to win the heart of a woman, he studies her. He learns her likes, dislikes, habits, and hobbies. But after he wins her heart and marries her, he often stops learning about her. The mystery and challenge of knowing her seems less intriguing, and he finds his interests drifting to other areas."

"Consider the following perspective: if the amount you studied your spouse before marriage were equal to a high school diploma, then you should continue to learn about your mate until you gain a "college degree"... ultimately a "doctorate degree" Think of it as a lifelong journey that draws your heart ever closer to your mate."

Studying your spouse involves asking questions, listening and asking God for discernment. Delving into the mystery that makes up your spouses actions, attitudes and perceptions is to become intimate in knowledge of them, to know them better than anyone else on the planet. You may not always agree with his or her point of view or perceptions, but knowing these things will help you gague how your spouse will react in future situations.

I have not been fortunate enough to be friends for a long time with my former spouses before we married. I don't believe they knew me well before we were engaged or married and I don't believe they took the time to try to get to know me after we were married. My actions were often misinterpreted, assumptions made, and attitudes formed based on inaccurate knowledge of my feelings or motives. Fortunately, I now have the chance to explore at great length the nuances of my partner's personality. I always wanted a doctorate degree, and I have a fascinating subject to study.

I have a book suggestion for getting to know your spouse better. It's actually designed for dating or engaged couples, but it has a variety of questions you can ask your mate and questions for discussion. It's called Intellectual Foreplay. I bought it some time ago, and haven't had to break it out very often to spur on deeper questioning, but when I get stuck, it helps generate things I want to know more about my partner. Check it out.

Intimate

" Each of us comes into life with an inborn hunger to be known, loved and accepted.......Someone who knows us intimately can either love us at depths we never imagined, or can wound us in ways we may never fully recover from. It's both the fire and the fear of marriage"

Today we talk about intimacy. Marriage should be a safe harbor in the midst of the storms of life. It should be a place where we can be ourselves and not have to worry about our past mistakes being flung in our faces. Sharing intimate details of your history with your spouse can either lead to shame and scorn from them, or love, acceptance and forgiveness. The warning is that if the love and acceptance doesn't happen within the marriage relationship, that level of intimacy may be found in other areas of life. It may lead to adultry, emotional or physical, or to workaholicism (yeah, I made that up). Somehow, we all need to feel accepted, respected and loved.

In my own life, I used to find that acceptance and respect at work, and maybe that is why work is so hard and somewhat dissatisfying for me lately. The place I used to associate with love and acceptance is no longer the place I'm receiving that. No wonder I'd rather be at home. :) I guess I just need to readjust my perceptions and grin and bear it just like everyone else in the world. I used to escape home to go to work where I was happy and loved. Now I can't wait to escape work to go home where I am happy and loved. Of the two choices, I'll take the latter.

Have a great weekend!

Honor

Today’s reading is about honoring your spouse. This one is really hard to do when you’re in a situation where you don’t feel loved or respected or honored in return. When your spouse won’t look you in the eye when you talk, they walk out of the room in the middle of a discussion, or act like it’s an inconvenience for them to acknowledge your presence, it’s hard to act as if everything they say is important and noteworthy. Unfortunately, we’re not called to act as we’ve been treated, but to act as we would like to be treated. This doesn’t mean that when we don’t get what we want out of our spouse we quit acting with honor and respect. Here’s an interesting excerpt that really hit home for me.

“Honoring your mate means giving him or her your full attention, not talking to them from behind a newspaper or with one eye on the television. When decisions are being made that affect both of you or your whole family, you give your mate’s voice and opinion equal influence in your mind. You honor what they have to say. They matter and because of the way you treat them, they should know it.”

Does your spouse feel honored? When they walk into the room do you focus your attention on them and see what they have to say, or do you treat them like another piece of furniture? Or, maybe like a vehicle that you use to take you places, but only pay attention to it’s needs when it breaks down. Today’s challenge is to choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse. Opening a door for her, putting away clothes for him, looking at them while they speak to you, and letting them know that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes.

Delighted

Give me your heart.... and let your eyes delight in my ways (Proverbs 23:26)

One of the things the Love Dare emphasises is that you are supposed to 'lead' your heart rather than 'following' your heart. You are to take control of your emotions and dictate what your actions will be rather than blindly stumbling along and letting your fickle, heart toss you about. Newlyweds easily delight in each other. They are full of romantic dreams of happily ever after marital wedded bliss with never an argument and never a bad breath kiss in the morning. Soon after the honeymoon is over, the lovely man or woman you married starts showing tendencies you never knew were there. They squeeze the toothpaste from the center not the bottom, they put the toilet paper roll on the dispenser the 'wrong' way. They are a morning person, you are a night owl and so the rounds of negotiations, revelations and disappointments start spinning. It's easy to lose sight after 5 or 10 or 20 years of marriage as to exactly why you married that person in the first place. Sometimes just staying married is hard, much less delighting in your spouse. The beauty of the marriage relationship is that it can be reborn and renewed. You can choose to treasure your spouse, choose to see your differences as strengths rather than weaknesses and see in your spouse the person God intended them to be. Maybe it's time to laugh again, flirt again, dream again and gaze into your spouse's eyes. I know it seems mushy, or sappy, but as the songs say.. the best part of love is when it's brand new. It's fun to be 'in love' So, convince your heart to give it a try.

Today's task is to purposefully neglect and activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something your spouse would love to do or start (and finish?) a project together.

Fight Fair

Today’s reading in The Love Dare is about fighting fair. It talks about establishing boundaries or ground rules for when disagreements occur. Learning to ‘fight fair’ is an important part of preserving a marriage. Some of the most hurtful and damaging things have been said to me in the heat of the moment, the words themselves hurt, but the volume with which they were delivered and the hate in my partners eyes is something that I’m still trying to erase from my memory. Physical wounds heal much easier than those emotional cuts.

It is suggested to establish “WE” rules and “ME” rules. In other words, establish rules that you both agree with, and your own personal rules on how you will treat your spouse when conflict arises.

“Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger” (James 1:19)
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1)

The Fireproof movie is out in theaters now. I encourage you to check your local listings and see if it’s playing nearby. Go by yourself, with a group of friends, or with your partner. I truly believe this movie could start a fresh wave of commitment and renewal in marriages around the world. I know it’s helped spur me on to really examining and looking at what went right and what went wrong in my past relationships, and hopefully gives me a chance to heal and change before moving forward into another relationship. After all, those who don’t learn from history are bound to repeat it.

Bending

"The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield" James 3:17

Stubbornness is something I inherited from my father….. and my mother. Today’s reading is about letting go of all those little fights and disagreements. Give your spouses’ ideas and thoughts full weight. Let them know that you’re on the same team.. not enemies to combat each other, but teammates trying to solve a problem together, with different perspectives and different communication styles. Some issues like child rearing, even having children can be huge issues that you don’t want to just give in easily on, but they can be worked out with love and mutual respect. Other issues that are of a moral nature, or go against your relationship with God must be non-negotiable.

I’ve married two extremely stubborn men. Both were professing faith in Christ. Both seemed to want to work things out. Both were fiercely controlling and manipulative. Both marriages failed. In both these marriages, I felt like we might have been in the same boat, but we were paddling in totally different directions. I think disagreements are fine, and discussion is good as long as you keep in mind that you’re in this together, not fighting each other. As I watched my dad and step-mom work out communication difficulties this weekend (projects always bring out those differences in ideas and ways of communicating them) I was glad to see that they’ve developed a way of respecting each other’s point of view and disagreeing (for the most part) in love. Not only was it good to see my dad be loving, but it was good to see him be loved.

My prayer is that I will remember that my spouse is not an enemy to defeat, but my ally in the closest sense of the word. My most trusted adviser and confidant. Treating him with anything but utter respect is diminishing the strength of that relationship.

The task for today is to give in on an area of disagreement with your spouse. This doesn’t mean a big area, but just a little one.

Cherish

Today’s reading is about cherishing your spouse. The book gives two examples, in one you have a car that is getting older, it needs a lot of repair and you decide to not invest more money into it, but go buy a newer car, after all, cars are made to wear out right? The second example is of getting into an accident and crushing your hand. You would use whatever resources you had to rehabilitate that hand so it was useful again, even go through painful surgery and physical therapy. Can you see the parallel here? Marriages are sometimes treated like used cars, and we trade up or trade in for a ‘new model’. The point I believe they’re trying to make is that you’re supposed to do for your spouse (ie: the car) what you would do for yourself (ie: your hand). I admit, I’m not fond of the comparison, but I understand the sentiment. You’re supposed to treat your spouse as well as you would treat yourself, and if your spouse is hurting, or grieving, or struggling, or rejoicing, or being rewarded, you should be there with them helping them through it, just as you would do for yourself.

When I look back at two failed marriages, I think “Did I do this? Did I cherish my partner? Did I do everything for them that I could to make sure they were getting what they needed?” In the first case, I can't really say, all I know is that I was the one who left. I left because my sanity was at stake there, and as a result, my very life. That made me that much more determined in the second marriage to make it work. In the second marriage, I replaced the engine, transmission, alternator, tires, battery, wiper blades, fuses, and gave it a new paint job, and still, that wasn’t enough. It still drove itself to the salvage yard and refused to leave. What I can learn from that experience is that putting your all into the repair is worth it. It may not make the car continue to function, but it makes you stronger, more compassionate, and more capable of love.

Today’s task is to do something that will let your spouse know you are cherishing them. Again, remember their love language and try to speak to them in that language.

Unconditional

“For richer or poorer, for better, or for worse, in sickness and in health”

There are three commonly categorized types of love. Phileo - means to have an affection (sentiment, passion or feeling) for. A fondness based in the heart. What the Greeks meant by Phileo love is what we normally think of the words "brotherly love" meaning today. I’ve heard the sage advice over and over that you have to be ‘friends first’ to make a relationship last and I believe that’s a good start. It’s not ‘bad’ advice, but it’s not really the key to a lasting relationship. Lets’ face it, there are going to be times when you just plain don’t like what your partner is doing. When you’re angry, hurt and really don’t want to be their friend. If that’s the basis for the relationship, it’s over at that point. You hear excuses like “I never really knew you” “You aren’t who I thought you were” “You’ve changed”.

The second type of love is eros love. Eros is probably what most people mean when they announce with a smile, "I'm in love." This type of love covers everything from queasy stomachs and warm fuzzy feelings to strong sensual passion.

There are a couple of very interesting characteristics about eros. First, in order to exist eros is dependent upon the situation and circumstances. As long as a couple is enjoying a romantic situation, eros can thrive. But, as soon as hurtful words or actions appear, eros simply evaporates.

Second, eros is also held captive to each person's perception. For example, if someone perceives a particular quiet evening dinner with candles to be romantic, eros will thrive. However, passion becomes squashed for someone whenever he or she interprets the current situation to be undesirable. Eros thus grows strong and then wastes away based upon our perceptions.

Although eros at times might make us feel like we are on cloud nine, it can not provide a reliable basis for building a deep and meaningful relationship since it is so fickle and dependent upon perception and circumstances. Because of such things as accidents, diseases, and the fact that someone can choose to doubt or despise you regardless of your actions, it is clear that we can not determine how others will perceive us nor are we masters of our own circumstances. Although eros is exhilarating, this is not the true foundation a lasting relationship should be built on either.

So.. what’s left? Agape love. This love is unconditional. It is the “ I love you no matter what” it’s a choice more than a feeling. This is the type of love God demonstrates to us. “And this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (I John 4:10) “We love, because He first loved us.” (I John 4:19). Did you catch that.. He first loved us… Agape love is proactive. It isn’t based on the action or decision of others. It isn’t waiting for your partner to do something nice for you and then acting in kind, it’s loving them first. It’s loving them when they’re rude and angry and hurtful. It’s unconditional. One of my favorite passages is Romans 8:38-39 “Neither death, not life, not angels, nor principalities, not things present, not things to come, nor powers, no height, nor depth nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” That’s such a comfort to me. I’ve felt abandoned and rejected by people I thought would never leave. It’s taken me a long time to fully trust that God won’t leave either. I just said the other day that it’s taken me 30 years to really fully accept that God loves me just the way I am and I don’t need to ‘earn’ it. It’s a good reminder to me, that nothing can take away that love.

Have I ever really truly experienced Agape love? Not other than in my relationship with Christ. I do believe that it’s possible. I believe I have the capacity to love in that way, now that I’ve experienced it for myself through Christ. Apart from having that example, I wouldn’t be able to accept or demonstrate agape love. I’ve tried the other two. I think now it’s time to try the third. I guess the third time really is a charm. 

Hi Love..

Today’s reading is about greetings. Apparently (and I had to go look this up for myself) the Bible gives great weight to the way in which we greet one another. I Peter 5:14 says “Greet one another with a kiss of love” (this is a favorite verse of jr. high youth groups to justify kissing, I’m sure). We are supposed to greet everyone (even our enemies) with kindness and graciousness. Jesus commanded us on the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5) to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. Sometimes our spouses can seem like enemies, yet it’s easier to be kind to strangers at the supermarket than it is to be kind to our own partners. “Consider the difference it would make in your spouse’s day if everything about you expressed the fact that you were really, really glad to see them”. Sometimes you’re not… and that’s when love becomes a choice. This is where leading your heart rather than following your heart comes in.

I’ve had this played out over and over in my life. One of the things that helped cement my relationship with Eric is his constant use of the greeting “Hello beautiful”. Even just reading it on IM gave my whole day a lift in some of the darkest times of my life. It was an acknowledgement that someone valued me. More recently, there have been times when I’m frustrated or angry or just plain out of sorts, and the phone rings and I hear ‘hey babe’ and half of that frustration and anger just melts away. It reaffirms that I am loved, that I matter and it is gentle and loving, and always heartfelt. I appreciate that so much.

This is really a simple task. Choose to greet your significant other (or your children or your parents or whomever you meet today) with a warm greeting. See how much better it makes you feel, and how it blesses their day.

Jealousy

Today’s focus is on Jealousy. Two types of jealousy are described. The first is righteous jealousy, or jealousy that is legitimate. This is the type of jealousy you get when your spouse (or significant other) gets involved with someone else, when their attention, affection or loyalty moves from you to another person. This is also the type of jealousy that God is described to have toward his people. The other type of jealousy that is described is better categorized as envy. You want what someone else has, whether possessions, talents, or position. You can envy your neighbor, you can envy your co-workers and you can even envy your spouse. Today encourages you to become your spouse’s biggest fan, to celebrate with them their accomplishments and to help them achieve their dreams.

I’m not sure I can be totally objective about where I’m at with this one. I know I struggle with what I see as legitimate jealousy. I don’t want my spouse (or significant other) to lavish attention or spend time with another woman. I have a hard time accepting that they can be ‘just friends’. (Partly because I think my honey is the greatest in the world and that every other woman must see how great he is and want him.. after all, I do!) Yet, I’m a total hypocrite in this area because I’ve had male ‘friends’ that I’ve enjoyed spending time with in my life, and nothing has ever come of those friendships, except.. well… friendship. (I don’t really subscribe to the When Harry Met Sally view of men and women in friendships). So, this part of the jealousy thing hit home for me a little. But, I’m not sure the type of jealousy I experience is a bad thing. On the other hand, I don’t think I struggle at all with the illegitimate type of jealousy. I don’t look at what others have and envy it. I don’t envy my spouse’s (or significant other’s) accomplishments, position, possessions or talent. Heck, it’s part of the reason I love them. More than anything, I want them to be happy and live a fulfilling life.

Appreciation

Today's reading in The Love Dare is based on "Love believes all things". Basically, the idea they're trying to get across is that love believes the best about the other person. Gives them the benefit of the doubt. It illustrates this in an interesting way. It describes two rooms that reside in our hearts. One room, the appreciation room, is where we go to dwell on the wonderful attributes of our mate. The walls of this room are filled with signs that celebrate the wonderful character traits we admire, the physical aspects we enjoy and the emotions being with that person evokes. We tend to dwell there in the beginning of a relationship, in the newness of love, in the discovery period. As time goes on (and marriage, or relationships get strained) we tend to gravitate to the other room in our hearts, the depreciation room. In this room are spraypainted on the walls all the hateful, hurtful things that tear at the fabric of the relationship. If you spend a long time in this room nurturing the hurts and disappointments, you tend to focus on the negative and everything gets painted in that light. Rather than focusing our eyes on all those negative words, imagine scrawling across them 'covered by love', or maybe in some cases 'forgiven'. It doesn't erase the reality of them, but allows the focus to be not on the hurts, but on the forgiveness, the love. Then close the door of that room and don't visit there often.

Choosing to look past the disappointments and hurts and focusing on the good qualities of your partner is essential to peace in your relationship. Learning to react and to act in love brings a whole new perspective and appreciation about for your relationship.

As I reflected on this metaphor in my own life I realized that the depreciation room of my heart was overflowing with boxes and bags and even a trophy case of all the hurts and wounds, and sore spots I've encountered in past relationships. I would visit that room often, feel sorry for myself, sit and polish my trophies, invite others over to observe them and lament about them with me. It's time to not only forgive, but to move on. To close and lock the door on those past hurts and never go back. So, I'm going to spend some time clearing out the boxes, throwing away the baggage and destroying those carefully maintained trophy cases. With such a promising future, It's really time to break free.

Irritable

Day 6 of The Love Dare:
Love is not Irritable.

Some quotes that jumped out at me from today's reading

If you are walking under the influence of love, you will be a joy, not a jerk. Ask yourself, "Am I a calming breeze or a storm waiting to happen?"

When love enters your heart, it calms you down and inspires you to quit focusing on yourself. It loosens your grasp and helps you let go of unnecessary things. Love will lead you to forgive instead of holding a grudge. To be grateful instead of greedy. To be content rather than rushing into more debt. Love encourages you to be happy when someone else succeeds rather than laying awake at night in envy. Love says "share the inheritance' rather than 'fight with your relatives.' It reminds you to prioritize your family rather than sacrifice them for a promotion at work. In each decision, love ultimately lowers your stress and helps you release the venom that can build up inside. It then sets up your heart to respond to your spouse with patience and encouragement rather than anger and exasperation.

Today's reading also talks about what factors cause stress and irritability. It talks about creating 'margin' in your life. Unstructured time to refresh, recharge and rest. The key, it says, to avoid being irritable is to reduce the amount of stress in your life and to learn to react from a calm rational perspective rather than from anger or frustration.

I've gotten better at learning to react from a calm perspective over the last year. Partly, because my stress has greatly reduced, and partly because my partner is one of the most peaceful and steady people I've ever met. He's taught me how to find the humor in tough situations and to be calm in situations that would have sent me into a major tizzy before. (For the most part.. but, give me a brek.. I'm a woman and have strong emotions.) There have been times when I start to react in 'old' habits of irritability and selfishness then I stop and a step back and look at the situation and think about my partner's perspective and personality, and that makes it easier to react in love and patience. I am SO blessed.

Wierdest Situation... Ever.

Ok, So today I had a chance to 'practice what I preach' in a very unexpected way. My ex, the kids' dad, has been planning a vacation with them for this weekend (it's a 4 day weekend from school for them). It was originally supposed to be 'my' weekend, but I told him I'd switch with him so he could take the kids on vacation (something he really hasn't been able to do, ever.) So, the airline tickets are free because he used to work for the airlines, and he thought he had all the hotel and car info taken care of, but... something went wrong. Here's the kicker, he doesn't get paid until tomorrow, and doesn't have enough available credit on a credit card to swing the deal. It all came down to about $250. So, he emailed me this morning letting me know it wasn't going to happen. Now, I think this is a great opportunity for the kids, and I know how excited they are to go. I think it will be good for not only them, but for their entire family. So, I asked some questions, and figured out that he really had exhausted all avenues of getting this paid for. I made the offer to pull some money from the kids' savings accounts and pay for the reservations with that money (so, he's borrowing money from the kids, not from me). He gratefully accepted the offer, and I went ahead and booked the hotel and car for him.

The strangest part of all this, is I don't really mind helping him out. I'm not focused on his error or oversight in this situation, but am focused instead on making sure my kids get to have a fantastic experience. I want them to have all the joy life has to offer, to play in the sand and enjoy the sun.. even if it's not with me.

Rude

"He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him" - Proverbs 27:14

I've always loved this Bible verse. I'm typically a morning person, but I try to be aware that others are not and wake them (namely my children) with gentleness and quiet voices.

Today's love dare is based on the "Love is not rude" part of Corinthians 13. The reading points out that we treat our spouses, the people important to us, at times worse than we treat total strangers. We should remember above all that our partners are more important, more valuable, to be more respected than those we meet in the grocery store, or at work. I think the tendency is to 'wear the mask' around strangers. Put on the happy face, never show your true self, but when the mask comes off and the guard comes down, are you still the same person, or someone totally different? Are you still someone people want to be around? Or, are you like the woman described in Proverbs 25:24 "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarelsome wife".

One thing I always try to keep in mind, besides the motherly advice of 'if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all', is "let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth". Now, does that mean I never tease or joke or am sarcastic. No, but I never do it maliciously, and I always try to imagine myself on the receiving end of what I say. For several years I had a very biting tone of voice that I would occasionally use, but it seems that I haven't had that problem now for several months. I think it's mainly due to environmental factors. If, after I've said something, I think I've been harsh, rude, or offensive, I'll usually apologize. Especially to my children or my partner. Tone of voice is something I'm hyper aware of these days.

So, the 'assignment' for this dare is to ask your spouse what things you do that cause your spouse to be irritated or uncomfortable, and you're not supposed to react, but just take the facts. EEK. That's a toughie.

Role Model

I'm taking a break from the Love Dare posts for a minute to talk about role models. I have a sign in my classroom that reads: "You are someone's role model whether you realize it or not."

I didn't have very good Role Models in my life in certain areas, namely, how to be married and what a good marriage looks like. So, I've had to do a lot of reading and studying, and apparently a lot of 'field testing' to try to come up with what this looks like. I'm hoping I have it figured out now. :)

In other areas of my life, I had fantastic role models. My parents are both hard-working people, they value education (they're both teachers, so I hope they do) and they taught me to live a life of truth and generosity. Those are good things.

The teachers I had in high school and a few professors I had in college inspired me to be excellent at whatever I choose to do in life. Whether that's continuting to work in the public school system or go back into the corporate world, or somewhere in between, employers can count on me to strive to achieve more than what is expected of me.

I'm concerned about the kids of today. I'm concerned that they've become so calloused to life, and so disappointed by adults, public figures, athletes, etc. that they really don't aspire to much. They do just enough in school to pass, not excel, not be amazing. How do you reach kids, who don't care.. and don't want to?
Some have attributed it to a shift in society's thinking about heros. People aren't driven to succeed just because someone else has. The 'that's great for them, but it's not for me' mentality prevails. "It's too hard." "I don't get it." "Do I have to?" It sort of scares me.

I try to live with integrity in my personal life and in my professional life, but even so, at times I have become complacent about certain things. I have done 'just enough' to get by. I need to remember that people are watching.. even when I don't think they are.

Thoughtful

Is it really just the thought that counts? Or is it the loving actions that result from that thought? Day 4 on The Love Dare is about thoughtfulness. I love the first two paragraphs of today's reading:

Love thinks. It's not a mindless feeling that rides on waves of emotion and falls asleep mentally. It keeps busy in thought, knowing that loving thoughts precede loving actions.

When you first fell in love, being thoughtful came quite naturally. You spent hours dreaming of what your loved one looked like, wondering what he or she was doing, rehearsing impressive things to say, then enjoying sweet memories of the time you spent together. You honestly confessed, "I can't stop thinking about you."

Since I'm a planner, the 'thinking' part of being in love is really important. I love to plan events, surprises, celebrations, I remember important dates, I have mental milestones littering the landscape of my life. I usually over-think things and analyze them way too much. I know it's a flaw. I'm not sure it will change. :)

The reading goes on to point out a percieved (and I've come to believe very real) difference between men and women. Now, let me preface this by saying not *ALL* men or *ALL* women will fall into this generalization, I know it's a blanket statement and I realize there are exceptions. Men, in general, tend to focus on one thing at a time. They focus much more intently on something than women do. In a sense, that's part of what makes them successful providers, employees, and decision makers. Women, in general, tend to think about something and not only the task or object at hand, but all the people and circumstances connected to that task or object. Women think relationally. They are multi-conscious, aware of multiple factors at a time. Now, you can take this clear back to cave man days if you want to. The woman needed to be aware of the offspring, the meal she was cooking, the dangers lurking out in the forest, etc. The man needed to focus solely on dealing with the task at hand, usually killing something to eat, or building something, or finding a fertile woman with which to produce said offspring. Men pursue the immediate goal with single minded determination.

The reading goes on to explain that women also tend to expect the man to look at a situation and look at all the factors surrounding the situation and put it all together in the way she's mentally put it all together. Yes, we expect you to read our minds.. actually we just expect you to look at a situation the same way we do and figure out what we've decided needs to be done. More often than not, men boil it down rapidly to the most obvious and simple solution (which is often what the situation really needs). Women tend to 'hint' at what they want. We do this because we want to know our guy is thinking about us. We want to give him the opportunity to do something we consider thoughtful. We feel like if we have to spell it out, then it isn't sincere or heartfelt on his part. He's just doing what we told him to do.

So, what's the solution? Women need to communicate expectations more clearly, and not be disappointed when our guys don't get the hints we try to drop. If you say "It's ok if you go out with the guys tonight, have fun, I won't wait up for you". Well, then he's going to take you at your word. He's going to go out with the guys, have fun and not expect a lecture when he gets home about how late he stayed out. Guys on the other hand need to think more about all the factors surrounding a situation and not immediately dismiss all those factors as unimportant to their partner. Think about what's gone on in her life today, and what she might be worrying about for tomorrow before making that decision to go spend the one free night you have this week with the guys.

The task for Day 4 is to contact your partner sometime during the business day with no agenda except just to ask how they are doing and if there's anything you can do for them.

Simple, powerful message. "I'm thinking about you and want to care for you".

UnSelfish

Day 3 on the Love dare is about selfishness. It states that selfishness is the opposite of love and that whatever you put your time, energy and resources into is what's most important to you. The dare for the day is to buy your spouse something that says "I was thinking of you today".

I've been thinking about this for a while, and it seems the love dare also helps you practice or discover multilinugualism in the "Love languages". If you're not familiar with the love languages, they are: words of affirmation, acts of service, giving gifts, quality time, physical touch. You can click on the link to take a quiz and see which language is your dominant language. I believe to a certain extent, we are all multilingual when it comes to love languages. I've found I certainly am. While my primary love language is physical touch and my secondary language is quality time(both of which make a long distance relationship that much more difficult), I've come to realize I do need words of affirmation. I like to know I'm doing a good job. I like to know how my significant other feels about me, and why. Acts of service shout loud and clear that I am loved. Emptying that overflowing trash can, washing that sink of dirty dishes, or just balancing the checkbook. Those all shout "I love you and care about you" to me. The last one on my list has to be gift giving. I sometimes feel uncomfortable when someone spends a lot of money on me. I would rather have something simple and heartfelt. If it took time to make it or get it, that much better. My favorite birthday present this year was a photo bracelet my children made for me with photos in it from our trip this summer to Oregon. It had photos of each of the kids, and some of the lighthouses we visited. It's a treasure to me, and means so much. To me, it's the thought that went with the gift rather than the gift itself, but lets face it, we all like to be remembered and made to feel special.

I think the key to this love dare today are the words "I was thinking of you". Not something just thrown together or picked up at the supermarket on the way home, but something that took thought, planning, something that had you going out of your way to do something your spouse would recognize as unselfish.

Kind

I may do the love dare on this blog for a while, not that I have anyone to practice this on, but I suppose I can practice it on everyone I know. I like being able to focus on one aspect of love a day. Maybe this is part of the healing process I need. Maybe I need help re-defining love because it's been so abused and warped in my fomer relationships. Whatever the reason, it's speaking to me, so I'll continue.

The second day of the Love Dare is to be kind.

Just as patience is REACTIVE (reacting to a situation in a certain way) kindness is PROACTIVE (creating a situation intentionally). Going out of your way to do something nice, say a kind word, help out, take initiative, think of something and do it. It's INTENTIONAL. Kindness is not only a gift to the receiver, it's a gift to the giver. It makes you feel better about yourself, makes you appreciate the little things in life more, but only when you do it from unselfish motives. When you do it not to receive anything back.

I'm a very practical person, so having someone do something for me that I would normally have to do myself (take out the trash, feed the animals, vaccuum, do the dishes) is a very meaningful way of being kind. It's also nice to know you're being thought about. A card, email, phone call. It doesn't have to be extravagant or expensive.. it just has to be thoughtful and kind. I want my words to always be kind and full of grace, mercy and patience. It's how I want others to treat me, so it's how I'll try to treat others.

Need ideas? The Random Act of Kindness foundation has thousands.

Patient

I received the Love Dare book in the mail today and started reading the first day. As I've mentioned, God has been teaching me the lesson of patience. This first day is all about patience. A few quotes lept off the page at me.

"Patience stops problems in their tracks. More than biting your lip more than clapping a hand over your mouth, patience is a deep breath."

(Remember a while ago, I talked about the need to just breathe)

"Patience, however, makes us wise. It doesn't rush to judgement but listens to what the other person is saying. Patience stands in the doorway where anger is clawing to burst in, but waits to see the whole picture before passing judgement."

"Patience is where love meets wisdom"

"Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct it. It gives you the ability to hold on during the tough times in your relationship rather than bailing out under the pressure."

"Think of it as a marathon, not a sprint. But it's a race worth running."

That reminds me of this post from back in February.

I'm obviously still learning this lesson.. but isn't that sort of the point? No quick fix is going to teach you patience.

Fireproof

Yesterday our church had the unique opportunity to view the entire film "Fireproof" before it comes out in theaters on September 26, 2008. We were able to see it for the express purpose of promoting the film in our community and trying to get as many other people to go see it on opening weekend as possible. I haven't seen the other films by Sherwood Pictures, Facing the Giants and Flywheel, but I intend to see them as soon as I can.

Fireproof is a film dealing with a couple whose marriage is on the verge of divorce. It really hit home for me. Especially the opening scenes where the couple argues about money. "My money" and "your money" and how much the other person works vs brings home, etc. It was like I was witnessing conversations from my recently failed marriage from a third person point of view. I think the premise of the movie is a good one, and that it soundly points to the need for a relationship with Christ Jesus. One thing that bothers me a little, and granted this is because of my own baggage, but it seems like the 'solution' is just to become a Christian and your marriage will be saved. The sad truth is, that's not always the case. The movie deals with addictions, specifically internet porn addiction, and plainly says that anything that has your heart and your attention that you're not willing to give up for the sake of your marriage is a parasite it will suck the life out of your marriage. In the movie, the character of Caleb, the husband (played by Kirk Cameron), gives up an internet porn addiction (actually takes a baseball bat to the computer and monitor!) and gets it OUT of the house. That was pretty powerful stuff. Other addictions aren't so easily handled however, and if you or your spouse are facing issues like alcoholism, gambling, or drugs, those addictions are harder to break and it's going to take more than just getting it out of the house, it's going to require some professional help. This movie also touches on the effects of pornography from the woman's perspective and shows how damaging it can be to a woman's psyche to know her husband engages in viewing porn. The woman doesn't get off scott free here however as it shows the wife slowly slipping into a workplace affair. Red flags started going up for me because of the reading I've done recently on 'affair proofing your marriage'. Sure enough, the woman starts becoming emotionally attached to someone other than her husband and sharing personal, emotional energy with that man rather than speaking to her husband about her feelings. Admittedly, the time frame for this is while the woman is filing divorce papers and is totally confused by her husbands new actions. But there's a twist to it I'll let you discover when you go see the movie for yourself. I took my teenage daughter with me to see it, but I wouldn't necessarily recommend it for younger children. It's not a movie a young child will get much out of.

All that being said, I'd really encourage anyone, everyone, to go see this movie on opening weekend, September 26-28. I laughed, I cried, I saw myself up on the screen. The book "The Love Dare" is already out and available for purchase and, even though I'm not currently married, I bought two.

Official Website
Buy The Love Dare Book

Unencumbered

Eight months ago, broken, beat down, and barely holding on, I found refuge here among the corn fields and feed-lots of the Great Plains. Slowly, I've adjusted to the bucolic lifestyle and surroundings. Once a true city girl, I'm more content in this provincial setting where life runs at a slower pace. I've needed that time to recuperate, mend, become unbroken, restored. I've done some intense introspection over the last few months. I’ve looked myself squarely in the heart and discovered truth I didn’t want to admit. I've found the strength to forgive myself, and others for the destructiveness of the past. Relinquishing the tragic role I clung to for so long is liberating. It's also frightening. Walking in my own footsteps is sometimes terrifying. However it reaffirms what I’ve known about myself all along and lost sight of. I am made of sturdy stuff. I am not easily defeated.

Isaiah 54:4-17

4 Fear not, for you shall not be ashamed; neither be confounded and depressed, for you shall not be put to shame. For you shall forget the shame of your youth, and you shall not [seriously] remember the reproach of your widowhood any more.

5 For your Maker is your Husband--the Lord of hosts is His name--and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of the whole earth He is called.

6 For the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken, grieved in spirit, and heartsore--even a wife [wooed and won] in youth, when she is [later] refused and scorned, says your God.

7 For a brief moment I forsook you, but with great compassion and mercy I will gather you [to Me] again.

8 In a little burst of wrath I hid My face from you for a moment, but with age-enduring love and kindness I will have compassion and mercy on you, says the Lord, your Redeemer.

9 For this is like the days of Noah to Me; as I swore that the waters of Noah should no more go over the earth, so have I sworn that I will not be angry with you or rebuke you.

10 For though the mountains should depart and the hills be shaken or removed, yet My love and kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall My covenant of peace and completeness be removed, says the Lord, Who has compassion on you.

11 O you afflicted [city], storm-tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in fair colors [in antimony to enhance their brilliance] and lay your foundations with sapphires.

12 And I will make your windows and pinnacles of [sparkling] agates or rubies, and your gates of [shining] carbuncles, and all your walls [of your enclosures] of precious stones.(B)

13 And all your [spiritual] children shall be disciples [taught by the Lord and obedient to His will], and great shall be the peace and undisturbed composure of your children.(C)

14 You shall establish yourself in righteousness (rightness, in conformity with God's will and order): you shall be far from even the thought of oppression or destruction, for you shall not fear, and from terror, for it shall not come near you.

15 Behold, they may gather together and stir up strife, but it is not from Me. Whoever stirs up strife against you shall fall and surrender to you.

16 Behold, I have created the smith who blows on the fire of coals and who produces a weapon for its purpose; and I have created the devastator to destroy.

17 But no weapon that is formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue that shall rise against you in judgment you shall show to be in the wrong. This [peace, righteousness, security, triumph over opposition] is the heritage of the servants of the Lord [those in whom the ideal Servant of the Lord is reproduced]; this is the righteousness or the vindication which they obtain from Me [this is that which I impart to them as their justification], says the Lord.

Happy Birthday to Me

Well, here I am, another year older, and definitely wiser. I got a card today which implied I might be of an age that I'm not so excited about birthdays anymore, but that's really not the case. I'm not particularly vain, so the occasional wrinkle or grey hair doesn't send me into a tizzy. It probably helps that I really don't look my age. I think of each birthday as a time to check in and see what I've learned over the past year. So, here's part of my list:

1. God is faithful and provides in unexpected ways.
2. Loving and accepting yourself is the key to happiness.
3. Being alone isn't scary or weird, and it's far better than being abused.
4. Children are amazingly resilient.
5. Family matters.
6. True Love Waits.
7. Laughter really is the best medicine.
8. Naps aren't just for the very elderly or children.
9. Time heals all wounds.
10. I own my own thoughts and feelings. No one can 'make' me think or feel otherwise.

Reflection

Well, tomorrow is my birthday, so I guess it's natural to reflect a bit over the past year. It's been a year full of change and unexpected, new experiences. If you'd told me last year I'd be where I'm at today, I'm not sure I would have believed you, yet I'm so glad I'm here. This morning I ran across an inspirational little message that really spoke to me. I have a tendency to dwell on the past or fret about the future. This was a good reminder to make the most of right now.. because that's all we really have. So, you can watch this little piece of motivation while I go wake up my sleepy children with snuggles and back scratches.

Finally Friday

Wow.. I'm almost through the week. After lunch my days are really light, so I'm on the home stretch. The second week of school is always exhausting for me, I'm glad it's almost over. Now I can look forward to a three day weekend and some rest. I still have grading to catch up on, which I'll get done this afternoon. Sunday is my birthday, and I honestly could care less. I guess that's what happens when you get old. :)

Being Mom

This week is the first week I've had my children living with me while school is in session. I mean, EVER. Their dad and I divorced when they were 2, 4 and 5 and I've never had 'custody' of them during the school year. They are now 13, 12 and 10 and involved in sports and activities and have homework and everything. I've had them weekends over the years and helped with reports and projects and attended concerts and sporting events and field trips, but never as the one they woke up with in the morning and went to bed with that night. I was somewhat worried that I wouldn't be able to 'do it all'. Homework, dinner, breakfasts, lunches, running mom's taxi, etc. But, So far, so good. It's a great feeling to have them here. I finally feel like a real 'mom'. I'm managing to get everything done, and not just the essentials, but the extras too, after school snacks and laundry and even getting grading done for my students.

Life is good.

Down Time

Yesterday I was really productive and got a lot of painting done on the outside of my house. Today, I decided to take some much needed down time. Not only from surviving the first week of school, but to store up for the upcoming week of more crazy busyness.

I'm finishing the 4th Stephanie Meyers book, Breaking Dawn. I'll most likely get it done today. I read for a while, and then nap for a while. It's nice to have no pressures.

Flying

Wow, This week has gone really fast, and honestly, that's just fine with me. The faster they go, the better. At least until a certain weekend in November. Then that weekend needs to just crawl by. :) Keeping busy is truly the key.

I get to school and start in on stuff I need to get done, and before I know it, it's lunch time and the end of the day is just a breeze. Even the commute is faster now that I'm carpooling with someone. We'll get into a great conversation, and I look up and, we've arrived!

There's a theory that time goes faster the older you get. Remember when summer seemed to last forever when you were little? Now it's over in the blink of an eye. I think this seems true only because we have so much more crammed on our plates and into our heads the older we get. There's more stuff to keep track of. Again, the busyness of it.

So, for now, time can just fly on by. I'm counting the weeks.

Knowing

"To know me, is to see past the mental and into the heart. To love me is to see past the heart and into the soul" ~ anonymous

The whole idea of knowing someone, and being truly known by them is very inviting. For the first time in my life I feel comfortable saying exactly what comes into my head and not worrying about being critiqued, belittled or mocked. That is such a gift!

Chasing Cars

"All that I am,
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes,
They're all I can see.

I don't know when
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
will never change for us at all" ~ Snow Patrol "Chasing Cars" lyrics

This weekend as I was getting my classroom ready for the new school year, my children were helping me. We had such a great time laughing and singing and dancing around. My youngest daughter loves the song "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. We all stood there in a group hug and smiled and giggled at each other while we listened to the song. My heart is full of moments this summer of looking at my children piled like puppies on the couch watching TV or playing a game or reading together. I hope they grow up to be close-knit. I hope that the feeling of 'family' we have will never change. I feel so distant from my only sibling and I'm not sure how to bridge the gap. It seems like we come from different planets and I don't know how to speak his language. I love him dearly and have great memories of our childhood. But, I just don't know him now.

If you've never listened to the song, you should go listen to it. I've heard so many different ideas of what it's trying to say. Is it lovers lying together? Is it a parent looking at their child? Is it siblings playing together? Find your own meaning. For me, it's been all of these. Every time I hear it I learn more about myself.

Learning

I've sat in meetings for the last 4 days talking about "21'st Century Learning" and "raising expectations" and "fostering student achievement". I get all excited and pumped up and ready to tackle a new school year. We as a staff (PK-12) including bus drivers and custodians and cooks talked about what students will need to survive in this changing digital landscape. What it all boils down to (IMHO) is learning how to learn. These students need to be Information Literate. They need to think critically, solve problems, find resources, collaborate, evaluate, create, and present their findings in a meaningful way. Isn't that what employers would like to see in their employees? Sure, they need to know how to write and read and do some math, but they don't need to memorize meaningless dates and facts and stuff they can look up later if they really need to know it. What they need to do is learn how to gather a ton of information, sort through it, decide what is relevant or what matters, put it all back together in a way that speaks to their given audience.

This is what pumps me up about teaching. This is what gets me excited. I love to learn, and I want to have students excited about learning too.

Dad

This weekend my dad and step-mom came to visit and help out with some work that needed done on my 100 year old house. My step-mom, who is incredible at interior decorating, helped all three kids spruce up their rooms with little extras that really brought out the themes they had chosen more. She even gave me some suggestions on the rest of the house. That was a very very good experience for me, I've had a difficult relationship with her most of my life. Which brings me to my dad.

I'm a daddy's girl. I always have been. My parents divorced when I was six and dad moved about 5 hours away and married a woman who already had two daughters just younger than I am. I felt abandoned, replaced, rejected. But, through it all, I always knew that my dad is an amazing person and I never stopped loving him or wanting to be around him. It's taken years of healing and realizing that while he's pretty amazing, he's also human and has made mistakes. I have to forgive him those mistakes and remember the incredible man he really is. He's warm, generous, friendly, smart, handy, and flawed. He's very very real, and honest about his life and the lessons learned. He and I have a lot in common as adults. We've both struggled with being non-custodial parents, with manipulative and controlling ex's, with questions about theology, religion and God in general. We both have a tendency to jump into relationships too quickly, before thinking them all the way through. We're both very passionate about love and life. I had a chance to talk to dad for a couple of hours this weekend. It was eye-opening, affirming, healing and most of all, real. I feel closer to my dad than I ever have in my entire life. I'm so thankful for him and his candor.

Weeds

It rained last night. For hours and hours. The thunder rolled the lightening blazed and the rain fell down and soaked the earth.

This morning, it's overcast and cloudy. Very cool outside compared to what it has been in the past few weeks. So, I decided it was a good morning to get out and pull some weeds. I started in my back yard and started with some enormous weeds I had back there. I honestly have one weed that looks like a beanstalk and it's taller than I am. I'm still chopping that one down. The other little weeds that I started on are amazingly hearty. These weeds have managed to infiltrate the lawn and choke out all grass around it. Once the weeds were pulled, there was literally only soil left in those areas. And this got me thinking (as yard work tends to do) about the lessons that weeds can teach us.

Recently, I attended a Beth Moore Simulcast. Her text was on Luke 8, the parable of the sower. When it says that some seed fell and sprouted up quickly but was choked out by the weeds, that really hit home for me and was illustrated vividly this morning in my yard. Jesus explains that the weeds are the worries of life, anxiety, stress, busyness. I combat these mental and emotional weeds all the time, fighting them back with scripture and prayer. But, were I to just let those worries and anxiety take over, no real plants could grow. I would bear no fruit. Then I took the metaphor a step further. The rain.. the rain (God's word, the holy spirit, you choose which works for you) came down and soaked the soil and made it so much easier to pull out those weeds by the roots. What is left? Soil. Good Soil. Soil that can be sown into. It's been tilled by the ripping up of the roots of weeds and can now be used to plant a harvest.

I also noticed that the weeds don't tend to sprout up right in the middle of my yard. They encroach they sneak in from the sides, around the edges. They're easy for me to ignore, because after all the middle of the yard looks pretty good. There are some brown spots I'm working on getting green again, but for the most part, it's pretty healthy. But, if I look up, I see the weeds all around the edges, slowly gaining ground. The enemy is very sneaky, very patient, and tenacious. Guard your heart. Do not fret about this life.

Luke 8:14-15 And that which fell among the thorns, these are they that have heard, and as they go on their way they are choked with cares and riches and pleasures of this life, and bring no fruit to perfection. And that in the good ground, these are such as in an honest and good heart, having heard the word, hold it fast, and bring forth fruit with patience.

Gilmored

This summer my daughters and I (and occasionally my son) have watched the entire series of Gilmore Girls. For those of you who aren't familiar with Gilmore Girls (and shame on you btw) It is a TV show that was on the WB for a long time. It ran seven seasons and has been described as "a small-town mom-and-daughter dramedy known for clever, rapid-fire dialogue and rich relationships." While there is SO much more to it than that, it's a good start. At the very end of the last episode of season seven last night, my daughters snuggled up to me and said "mom, when we're older we want to be like that with you". While I'm probably not as cool as Lorelai Gilmore, and honestly what mom can be? I was touched by the sentiment and profoundly grateful for the time I have with my kids before they're all grown up.

Transitions

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.
~ Nelson Mandela, 'A Long Walk to Freedom'

Driving into the city, I could see the faint outline of Pikes Peak behind the familiar buildings, street signs and landscape. Not much had changed. A couple of new stores had opened, the ongoing construction projects had just moved further down the road, the city welcomed me back like a prodigal. I tried to embrace her, to settle down into her bosom and feel at peace as I had so many times before. I couldn't because though the city hadn't changed much, I had.

This weekend I went back to the city I called 'home' for 8 years. I loved the scenery, the convenience of all the familiar stores, knowing where everything was and not having to try to figure out weird streets, but, it wasn't quite as satisfying as I expected. I enjoyed talking to friends, seeing familiar faces, but I didn't long to linger. I didn't ache to fit myself back into that life. It's not home anymore. It's time to fully let go, embrace this new place and completely settle in. This morning as I unpacked and sorted through the last of the boxes I brought back with me, there was no pain, or regret, no turmoil or angst. I'm thankful for the memories, for the lessons learned, but the future is so promising, so full of potential that I don't wish to dwell on the past. It has shaped me, formed who I am, for better or for worse, but I can leave it where it belongs, and step confidently into a future full of love and peace.

Incomplete

"Today I begin to understand what love must be, if it exists. When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what I imagine love to be; incompleteness in absence."
- Goncourt

Have you ever read a really really great book, only to find out later, that there was a prequel.. or that a sequel was coming out. Then, after reading the companion book having a whole new perspective on the story? From that point on, you can't even remember the two parts of the story separately they're so intertwined. While each book is fantastic on it's own, it takes on a whole new meaning, is more interesting and has more depth when paired with the second.

I've hated the movie quote "You complete me" from Jerry Maguire for a long time. I've run from the idea that you need someone else to be complete. After all, I'm a strong, independent woman. I'm smart. I'm capable. I'm resourceful. I can make it on my own. I don't 'need' someone else to be whole. As someone who has survived two really co-dependent marriages I didn't want to 'need' anyone again. But, in those relationships, I couldn't 'survive' without the other person, or so I thought.

In a book I'm reading by M Gary Neuman, it says

"Needing your spouse doesn't mean becoming dependent in a way that will trap you, reduce you or make you into someone you don't want to become. Needing your spouse is a way to experience greater warmth and love in life as your perspective broadens and you learn to share yourself and receive the gift of warmth from one who loves you dearly."

This is a concept I'm mulling over, but it seems to hold true in my own life. Seeing the world through someone elses eyes, hearing their perspective on life, listening to their experiences and how they've come to believe in certain truths is an amazing and rewarding experience. It makes my own story that much more interesting. Their story has now become intwined with mine and we are both better for it.