Happy Birthday to Me

Well, here I am, another year older, and definitely wiser. I got a card today which implied I might be of an age that I'm not so excited about birthdays anymore, but that's really not the case. I'm not particularly vain, so the occasional wrinkle or grey hair doesn't send me into a tizzy. It probably helps that I really don't look my age. I think of each birthday as a time to check in and see what I've learned over the past year. So, here's part of my list:

1. God is faithful and provides in unexpected ways.
2. Loving and accepting yourself is the key to happiness.
3. Being alone isn't scary or weird, and it's far better than being abused.
4. Children are amazingly resilient.
5. Family matters.
6. True Love Waits.
7. Laughter really is the best medicine.
8. Naps aren't just for the very elderly or children.
9. Time heals all wounds.
10. I own my own thoughts and feelings. No one can 'make' me think or feel otherwise.

Reflection

Well, tomorrow is my birthday, so I guess it's natural to reflect a bit over the past year. It's been a year full of change and unexpected, new experiences. If you'd told me last year I'd be where I'm at today, I'm not sure I would have believed you, yet I'm so glad I'm here. This morning I ran across an inspirational little message that really spoke to me. I have a tendency to dwell on the past or fret about the future. This was a good reminder to make the most of right now.. because that's all we really have. So, you can watch this little piece of motivation while I go wake up my sleepy children with snuggles and back scratches.

Finally Friday

Wow.. I'm almost through the week. After lunch my days are really light, so I'm on the home stretch. The second week of school is always exhausting for me, I'm glad it's almost over. Now I can look forward to a three day weekend and some rest. I still have grading to catch up on, which I'll get done this afternoon. Sunday is my birthday, and I honestly could care less. I guess that's what happens when you get old. :)

Being Mom

This week is the first week I've had my children living with me while school is in session. I mean, EVER. Their dad and I divorced when they were 2, 4 and 5 and I've never had 'custody' of them during the school year. They are now 13, 12 and 10 and involved in sports and activities and have homework and everything. I've had them weekends over the years and helped with reports and projects and attended concerts and sporting events and field trips, but never as the one they woke up with in the morning and went to bed with that night. I was somewhat worried that I wouldn't be able to 'do it all'. Homework, dinner, breakfasts, lunches, running mom's taxi, etc. But, So far, so good. It's a great feeling to have them here. I finally feel like a real 'mom'. I'm managing to get everything done, and not just the essentials, but the extras too, after school snacks and laundry and even getting grading done for my students.

Life is good.

Down Time

Yesterday I was really productive and got a lot of painting done on the outside of my house. Today, I decided to take some much needed down time. Not only from surviving the first week of school, but to store up for the upcoming week of more crazy busyness.

I'm finishing the 4th Stephanie Meyers book, Breaking Dawn. I'll most likely get it done today. I read for a while, and then nap for a while. It's nice to have no pressures.

Flying

Wow, This week has gone really fast, and honestly, that's just fine with me. The faster they go, the better. At least until a certain weekend in November. Then that weekend needs to just crawl by. :) Keeping busy is truly the key.

I get to school and start in on stuff I need to get done, and before I know it, it's lunch time and the end of the day is just a breeze. Even the commute is faster now that I'm carpooling with someone. We'll get into a great conversation, and I look up and, we've arrived!

There's a theory that time goes faster the older you get. Remember when summer seemed to last forever when you were little? Now it's over in the blink of an eye. I think this seems true only because we have so much more crammed on our plates and into our heads the older we get. There's more stuff to keep track of. Again, the busyness of it.

So, for now, time can just fly on by. I'm counting the weeks.

Knowing

"To know me, is to see past the mental and into the heart. To love me is to see past the heart and into the soul" ~ anonymous

The whole idea of knowing someone, and being truly known by them is very inviting. For the first time in my life I feel comfortable saying exactly what comes into my head and not worrying about being critiqued, belittled or mocked. That is such a gift!

Chasing Cars

"All that I am,
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes,
They're all I can see.

I don't know when
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
will never change for us at all" ~ Snow Patrol "Chasing Cars" lyrics

This weekend as I was getting my classroom ready for the new school year, my children were helping me. We had such a great time laughing and singing and dancing around. My youngest daughter loves the song "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. We all stood there in a group hug and smiled and giggled at each other while we listened to the song. My heart is full of moments this summer of looking at my children piled like puppies on the couch watching TV or playing a game or reading together. I hope they grow up to be close-knit. I hope that the feeling of 'family' we have will never change. I feel so distant from my only sibling and I'm not sure how to bridge the gap. It seems like we come from different planets and I don't know how to speak his language. I love him dearly and have great memories of our childhood. But, I just don't know him now.

If you've never listened to the song, you should go listen to it. I've heard so many different ideas of what it's trying to say. Is it lovers lying together? Is it a parent looking at their child? Is it siblings playing together? Find your own meaning. For me, it's been all of these. Every time I hear it I learn more about myself.

Learning

I've sat in meetings for the last 4 days talking about "21'st Century Learning" and "raising expectations" and "fostering student achievement". I get all excited and pumped up and ready to tackle a new school year. We as a staff (PK-12) including bus drivers and custodians and cooks talked about what students will need to survive in this changing digital landscape. What it all boils down to (IMHO) is learning how to learn. These students need to be Information Literate. They need to think critically, solve problems, find resources, collaborate, evaluate, create, and present their findings in a meaningful way. Isn't that what employers would like to see in their employees? Sure, they need to know how to write and read and do some math, but they don't need to memorize meaningless dates and facts and stuff they can look up later if they really need to know it. What they need to do is learn how to gather a ton of information, sort through it, decide what is relevant or what matters, put it all back together in a way that speaks to their given audience.

This is what pumps me up about teaching. This is what gets me excited. I love to learn, and I want to have students excited about learning too.

Dad

This weekend my dad and step-mom came to visit and help out with some work that needed done on my 100 year old house. My step-mom, who is incredible at interior decorating, helped all three kids spruce up their rooms with little extras that really brought out the themes they had chosen more. She even gave me some suggestions on the rest of the house. That was a very very good experience for me, I've had a difficult relationship with her most of my life. Which brings me to my dad.

I'm a daddy's girl. I always have been. My parents divorced when I was six and dad moved about 5 hours away and married a woman who already had two daughters just younger than I am. I felt abandoned, replaced, rejected. But, through it all, I always knew that my dad is an amazing person and I never stopped loving him or wanting to be around him. It's taken years of healing and realizing that while he's pretty amazing, he's also human and has made mistakes. I have to forgive him those mistakes and remember the incredible man he really is. He's warm, generous, friendly, smart, handy, and flawed. He's very very real, and honest about his life and the lessons learned. He and I have a lot in common as adults. We've both struggled with being non-custodial parents, with manipulative and controlling ex's, with questions about theology, religion and God in general. We both have a tendency to jump into relationships too quickly, before thinking them all the way through. We're both very passionate about love and life. I had a chance to talk to dad for a couple of hours this weekend. It was eye-opening, affirming, healing and most of all, real. I feel closer to my dad than I ever have in my entire life. I'm so thankful for him and his candor.

Weeds

It rained last night. For hours and hours. The thunder rolled the lightening blazed and the rain fell down and soaked the earth.

This morning, it's overcast and cloudy. Very cool outside compared to what it has been in the past few weeks. So, I decided it was a good morning to get out and pull some weeds. I started in my back yard and started with some enormous weeds I had back there. I honestly have one weed that looks like a beanstalk and it's taller than I am. I'm still chopping that one down. The other little weeds that I started on are amazingly hearty. These weeds have managed to infiltrate the lawn and choke out all grass around it. Once the weeds were pulled, there was literally only soil left in those areas. And this got me thinking (as yard work tends to do) about the lessons that weeds can teach us.

Recently, I attended a Beth Moore Simulcast. Her text was on Luke 8, the parable of the sower. When it says that some seed fell and sprouted up quickly but was choked out by the weeds, that really hit home for me and was illustrated vividly this morning in my yard. Jesus explains that the weeds are the worries of life, anxiety, stress, busyness. I combat these mental and emotional weeds all the time, fighting them back with scripture and prayer. But, were I to just let those worries and anxiety take over, no real plants could grow. I would bear no fruit. Then I took the metaphor a step further. The rain.. the rain (God's word, the holy spirit, you choose which works for you) came down and soaked the soil and made it so much easier to pull out those weeds by the roots. What is left? Soil. Good Soil. Soil that can be sown into. It's been tilled by the ripping up of the roots of weeds and can now be used to plant a harvest.

I also noticed that the weeds don't tend to sprout up right in the middle of my yard. They encroach they sneak in from the sides, around the edges. They're easy for me to ignore, because after all the middle of the yard looks pretty good. There are some brown spots I'm working on getting green again, but for the most part, it's pretty healthy. But, if I look up, I see the weeds all around the edges, slowly gaining ground. The enemy is very sneaky, very patient, and tenacious. Guard your heart. Do not fret about this life.

Luke 8:14-15 And that which fell among the thorns, these are they that have heard, and as they go on their way they are choked with cares and riches and pleasures of this life, and bring no fruit to perfection. And that in the good ground, these are such as in an honest and good heart, having heard the word, hold it fast, and bring forth fruit with patience.

Gilmored

This summer my daughters and I (and occasionally my son) have watched the entire series of Gilmore Girls. For those of you who aren't familiar with Gilmore Girls (and shame on you btw) It is a TV show that was on the WB for a long time. It ran seven seasons and has been described as "a small-town mom-and-daughter dramedy known for clever, rapid-fire dialogue and rich relationships." While there is SO much more to it than that, it's a good start. At the very end of the last episode of season seven last night, my daughters snuggled up to me and said "mom, when we're older we want to be like that with you". While I'm probably not as cool as Lorelai Gilmore, and honestly what mom can be? I was touched by the sentiment and profoundly grateful for the time I have with my kids before they're all grown up.

Transitions

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.
~ Nelson Mandela, 'A Long Walk to Freedom'

Driving into the city, I could see the faint outline of Pikes Peak behind the familiar buildings, street signs and landscape. Not much had changed. A couple of new stores had opened, the ongoing construction projects had just moved further down the road, the city welcomed me back like a prodigal. I tried to embrace her, to settle down into her bosom and feel at peace as I had so many times before. I couldn't because though the city hadn't changed much, I had.

This weekend I went back to the city I called 'home' for 8 years. I loved the scenery, the convenience of all the familiar stores, knowing where everything was and not having to try to figure out weird streets, but, it wasn't quite as satisfying as I expected. I enjoyed talking to friends, seeing familiar faces, but I didn't long to linger. I didn't ache to fit myself back into that life. It's not home anymore. It's time to fully let go, embrace this new place and completely settle in. This morning as I unpacked and sorted through the last of the boxes I brought back with me, there was no pain, or regret, no turmoil or angst. I'm thankful for the memories, for the lessons learned, but the future is so promising, so full of potential that I don't wish to dwell on the past. It has shaped me, formed who I am, for better or for worse, but I can leave it where it belongs, and step confidently into a future full of love and peace.

Incomplete

"Today I begin to understand what love must be, if it exists. When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what I imagine love to be; incompleteness in absence."
- Goncourt

Have you ever read a really really great book, only to find out later, that there was a prequel.. or that a sequel was coming out. Then, after reading the companion book having a whole new perspective on the story? From that point on, you can't even remember the two parts of the story separately they're so intertwined. While each book is fantastic on it's own, it takes on a whole new meaning, is more interesting and has more depth when paired with the second.

I've hated the movie quote "You complete me" from Jerry Maguire for a long time. I've run from the idea that you need someone else to be complete. After all, I'm a strong, independent woman. I'm smart. I'm capable. I'm resourceful. I can make it on my own. I don't 'need' someone else to be whole. As someone who has survived two really co-dependent marriages I didn't want to 'need' anyone again. But, in those relationships, I couldn't 'survive' without the other person, or so I thought.

In a book I'm reading by M Gary Neuman, it says

"Needing your spouse doesn't mean becoming dependent in a way that will trap you, reduce you or make you into someone you don't want to become. Needing your spouse is a way to experience greater warmth and love in life as your perspective broadens and you learn to share yourself and receive the gift of warmth from one who loves you dearly."

This is a concept I'm mulling over, but it seems to hold true in my own life. Seeing the world through someone elses eyes, hearing their perspective on life, listening to their experiences and how they've come to believe in certain truths is an amazing and rewarding experience. It makes my own story that much more interesting. Their story has now become intwined with mine and we are both better for it.