Time

Two themes that seem to keep repeating themselves in almost every single devotional or scripture that I read lately are "Wait" and "Forgive".

WAIT

What am I waiting for? Most importantly, I'm waiting for God's timing in two specific areas. The first area is in relationship. There's this amazing man that I have the privilege to know and love that I'd like to spend the rest of my life with, but in order to spend the rest of my life with him, I have to actually be in his physical presence. Since he lives 1700 miles away right now, that's a little hard to accomplish. It's that whole song about you can dip your foot in the pool but you can't take a swim. I know it's there, I know it will happen, it's just the waiting for it to start that is hard. The reason I think I have to wait for the next stage in this relationship is because I'm also waiting for healing. I've worked through a lot already, but there are still areas that are stubborn, hard to get over or around.. because they're processes I have to go through. Going through something is much harder than going around it or getting over it. One of those areas is forgiveness.

FORGIVE

Forgiveness has always meant to me that I somehow have to release the other person of the responsibility of their actions, or that I have to be ok with what they did, or that I have to be friends with them again. When we were children, we were taught to say "I'm sorry" to people even when we didn't feel sorry for what we had done. The automatic response that was expected was "I forgive you" even when forgiveness really hadn't taken place. Forgiveness is more than just saying the words (much as an apology is more than just saying I'm sorry)

So, if it's not just speaking the right words, What is it?

Forgiveness is a way of releasing yourself from the pain you have experienced at the hands of others. It is a release from judgment, including your judgment of yourself. The hardest exercise in forgiveness I've experienced so far, is forgiving myself for inflicting pain upon my children when I divorced their dad 10 years ago.

Forgiveness does not mean you have to be ok with what the other person did to you. It does not mean you can change what happened or erase the consequences of what they did. What’s done is done. All you can do is release yourself, and stop re-living the pain. Stop wallowing in it.

Forgiveness is not something you do for someone else, but to free yourself from the continuatiual pain and anger. It is a gift to yourself of peace of mind, peace in your relationships with others, and a clear perception of yourself and a clean slate for the future.

So, why is that so hard to do? Probably because it takes time. Just when you think there's no pain left, no area you haven't mulled over, worked through or given over to God, something else pops up and you have to go through it all again. I'm not saying I will ever be able to perfectly forgive, but I can diligently work through the past and come to terms with what has transpired in my life and let those lessons strengthen my future. It all just takes time. Since I seem to have a lot of that on my hands lately, this must be what I'm supposed to be learning right now.