Thoughtful

Is it really just the thought that counts? Or is it the loving actions that result from that thought? Day 4 on The Love Dare is about thoughtfulness. I love the first two paragraphs of today's reading:

Love thinks. It's not a mindless feeling that rides on waves of emotion and falls asleep mentally. It keeps busy in thought, knowing that loving thoughts precede loving actions.

When you first fell in love, being thoughtful came quite naturally. You spent hours dreaming of what your loved one looked like, wondering what he or she was doing, rehearsing impressive things to say, then enjoying sweet memories of the time you spent together. You honestly confessed, "I can't stop thinking about you."

Since I'm a planner, the 'thinking' part of being in love is really important. I love to plan events, surprises, celebrations, I remember important dates, I have mental milestones littering the landscape of my life. I usually over-think things and analyze them way too much. I know it's a flaw. I'm not sure it will change. :)

The reading goes on to point out a percieved (and I've come to believe very real) difference between men and women. Now, let me preface this by saying not *ALL* men or *ALL* women will fall into this generalization, I know it's a blanket statement and I realize there are exceptions. Men, in general, tend to focus on one thing at a time. They focus much more intently on something than women do. In a sense, that's part of what makes them successful providers, employees, and decision makers. Women, in general, tend to think about something and not only the task or object at hand, but all the people and circumstances connected to that task or object. Women think relationally. They are multi-conscious, aware of multiple factors at a time. Now, you can take this clear back to cave man days if you want to. The woman needed to be aware of the offspring, the meal she was cooking, the dangers lurking out in the forest, etc. The man needed to focus solely on dealing with the task at hand, usually killing something to eat, or building something, or finding a fertile woman with which to produce said offspring. Men pursue the immediate goal with single minded determination.

The reading goes on to explain that women also tend to expect the man to look at a situation and look at all the factors surrounding the situation and put it all together in the way she's mentally put it all together. Yes, we expect you to read our minds.. actually we just expect you to look at a situation the same way we do and figure out what we've decided needs to be done. More often than not, men boil it down rapidly to the most obvious and simple solution (which is often what the situation really needs). Women tend to 'hint' at what they want. We do this because we want to know our guy is thinking about us. We want to give him the opportunity to do something we consider thoughtful. We feel like if we have to spell it out, then it isn't sincere or heartfelt on his part. He's just doing what we told him to do.

So, what's the solution? Women need to communicate expectations more clearly, and not be disappointed when our guys don't get the hints we try to drop. If you say "It's ok if you go out with the guys tonight, have fun, I won't wait up for you". Well, then he's going to take you at your word. He's going to go out with the guys, have fun and not expect a lecture when he gets home about how late he stayed out. Guys on the other hand need to think more about all the factors surrounding a situation and not immediately dismiss all those factors as unimportant to their partner. Think about what's gone on in her life today, and what she might be worrying about for tomorrow before making that decision to go spend the one free night you have this week with the guys.

The task for Day 4 is to contact your partner sometime during the business day with no agenda except just to ask how they are doing and if there's anything you can do for them.

Simple, powerful message. "I'm thinking about you and want to care for you".