Today's reading in The Love Dare is based on "Love believes all things". Basically, the idea they're trying to get across is that love believes the best about the other person. Gives them the benefit of the doubt. It illustrates this in an interesting way. It describes two rooms that reside in our hearts. One room, the appreciation room, is where we go to dwell on the wonderful attributes of our mate. The walls of this room are filled with signs that celebrate the wonderful character traits we admire, the physical aspects we enjoy and the emotions being with that person evokes. We tend to dwell there in the beginning of a relationship, in the newness of love, in the discovery period. As time goes on (and marriage, or relationships get strained) we tend to gravitate to the other room in our hearts, the depreciation room. In this room are spraypainted on the walls all the hateful, hurtful things that tear at the fabric of the relationship. If you spend a long time in this room nurturing the hurts and disappointments, you tend to focus on the negative and everything gets painted in that light. Rather than focusing our eyes on all those negative words, imagine scrawling across them 'covered by love', or maybe in some cases 'forgiven'. It doesn't erase the reality of them, but allows the focus to be not on the hurts, but on the forgiveness, the love. Then close the door of that room and don't visit there often.
Choosing to look past the disappointments and hurts and focusing on the good qualities of your partner is essential to peace in your relationship. Learning to react and to act in love brings a whole new perspective and appreciation about for your relationship.
As I reflected on this metaphor in my own life I realized that the depreciation room of my heart was overflowing with boxes and bags and even a trophy case of all the hurts and wounds, and sore spots I've encountered in past relationships. I would visit that room often, feel sorry for myself, sit and polish my trophies, invite others over to observe them and lament about them with me. It's time to not only forgive, but to move on. To close and lock the door on those past hurts and never go back. So, I'm going to spend some time clearing out the boxes, throwing away the baggage and destroying those carefully maintained trophy cases. With such a promising future, It's really time to break free.
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5 comments:
I like the idea of the appreciation room. That could probably be extended to how you look at yourself also. I know I always look at the negatives in my relationship and about myself. I need more positive thinking.
I'm torn on this one. The cynic in me feels that it is a bit optimistic. In that, sometimes giving a loved one the benifit of the doubt means you are wrong. You can take it too far, and basically let them walk over you.
Now that I think about it, all of these things require that the other person give you the same consideration. Having both parties on the same page is already one of the biggest hurdles in a relationship.
But, I do believe what this says. Real love is a positive thing.
TH: I think it can be extended in a lot of areas. Today, in fact, it was extended into how you look at the workplace and what aspects of it you focus on.
SG: Sure, you can take any of these to the extreme and anything in it's extreme can be bad. But, does it really necessitate the other person reacting reciprocially? Then you're just doing it to get something back. I think if you're in a comitted relationship (ie: marriage) that you do whatever it takes and keep on doing it to make it work. That's when it becomes a covenant rather than a contract. It's not tit for tat.. it's sacrificial love. On the other hand, I do believe that there comes a point when for safety and/or sanity sometimes it's healthier to get out of a toxic relationship. But, society in general gives up way too easily on relationships. We are very self-centered and 'what's in it for me' mentality.
I didn't mean to make it sound like it has to be reciprical like that. My point was that if one person is in a place of giving love and the other is in selfish love, the giver can basically become a doormat.
It's not about doing it to get something back, but I feel that you should be doing so with someone else whose heart is in the same place as yours.
Lets face it, not everyone loves the same. And these love tips seems to not invole the other person, whose feelings and actions are just as important as ours.
We can be in the perfect place as far as love goes, but relationships involve two people. And that makes them FAR more complicated than most guides or books let on.
SG: In the forward of the book it says: "The Love Dare journey is not a process of trying to change your spouse to be the person you want them to be... Rather, this is a journey of exploring and demonstrating genuine love, even when your desire is dry and your motives are low. The truth is, love is a decision and not just a feeling. It is selfless, sacrificial and transformational. And when love is truly demonstrated as it was intended [by God], your relationship is more likely to change for the better."
So, this is all about loving someone else, even when they don't love you back, even when they don't want to be loved, even when they throw it back in your face. You love them not because they deserve it, not because they're going to somehow magically 'get it' or change, you do it because it's a commitment, a choice and it's the right thing to do.
The reasons I'm exploring this, are not because my relationship with Eric is in danger at all, but because I believe that by going through these lessons, I will be better equipped when things get tough. Because, let's face it, they will. I'm also doing this as a healing exercise, to go back through past relationships, recognize areas I was weak or wrong in, and learn from those mistakes. I never want to repeat them.
If someone else benefits from my musings along the way, great, if not, at least I'm identifying and actively working on the parts of me that need to be improved upon and/or healed.
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