Unconditional

“For richer or poorer, for better, or for worse, in sickness and in health”

There are three commonly categorized types of love. Phileo - means to have an affection (sentiment, passion or feeling) for. A fondness based in the heart. What the Greeks meant by Phileo love is what we normally think of the words "brotherly love" meaning today. I’ve heard the sage advice over and over that you have to be ‘friends first’ to make a relationship last and I believe that’s a good start. It’s not ‘bad’ advice, but it’s not really the key to a lasting relationship. Lets’ face it, there are going to be times when you just plain don’t like what your partner is doing. When you’re angry, hurt and really don’t want to be their friend. If that’s the basis for the relationship, it’s over at that point. You hear excuses like “I never really knew you” “You aren’t who I thought you were” “You’ve changed”.

The second type of love is eros love. Eros is probably what most people mean when they announce with a smile, "I'm in love." This type of love covers everything from queasy stomachs and warm fuzzy feelings to strong sensual passion.

There are a couple of very interesting characteristics about eros. First, in order to exist eros is dependent upon the situation and circumstances. As long as a couple is enjoying a romantic situation, eros can thrive. But, as soon as hurtful words or actions appear, eros simply evaporates.

Second, eros is also held captive to each person's perception. For example, if someone perceives a particular quiet evening dinner with candles to be romantic, eros will thrive. However, passion becomes squashed for someone whenever he or she interprets the current situation to be undesirable. Eros thus grows strong and then wastes away based upon our perceptions.

Although eros at times might make us feel like we are on cloud nine, it can not provide a reliable basis for building a deep and meaningful relationship since it is so fickle and dependent upon perception and circumstances. Because of such things as accidents, diseases, and the fact that someone can choose to doubt or despise you regardless of your actions, it is clear that we can not determine how others will perceive us nor are we masters of our own circumstances. Although eros is exhilarating, this is not the true foundation a lasting relationship should be built on either.

So.. what’s left? Agape love. This love is unconditional. It is the “ I love you no matter what” it’s a choice more than a feeling. This is the type of love God demonstrates to us. “And this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (I John 4:10) “We love, because He first loved us.” (I John 4:19). Did you catch that.. He first loved us… Agape love is proactive. It isn’t based on the action or decision of others. It isn’t waiting for your partner to do something nice for you and then acting in kind, it’s loving them first. It’s loving them when they’re rude and angry and hurtful. It’s unconditional. One of my favorite passages is Romans 8:38-39 “Neither death, not life, not angels, nor principalities, not things present, not things to come, nor powers, no height, nor depth nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” That’s such a comfort to me. I’ve felt abandoned and rejected by people I thought would never leave. It’s taken me a long time to fully trust that God won’t leave either. I just said the other day that it’s taken me 30 years to really fully accept that God loves me just the way I am and I don’t need to ‘earn’ it. It’s a good reminder to me, that nothing can take away that love.

Have I ever really truly experienced Agape love? Not other than in my relationship with Christ. I do believe that it’s possible. I believe I have the capacity to love in that way, now that I’ve experienced it for myself through Christ. Apart from having that example, I wouldn’t be able to accept or demonstrate agape love. I’ve tried the other two. I think now it’s time to try the third. I guess the third time really is a charm. 