Pace

"Slow down. Take a deep breath. What's the hurry? Why wear yourself out? Just what are you after anyway?" (Jeremiah 2:25 Msg).

This verse jumped out at me today as I was reading through a devotional. I am constantly planning my next event, the next few weeks, mentally preparing myself, stressing out over it. This seems to be a continual lesson I'm learning. God has so wisely designed things in my life at this time that force me to slow down. There is no way I could do certain things any more quickly, but I still try. I have been waiting on a custody hearing for over two years. The court date has been delayed 4 times. There's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I just have to wait. This has been a source of frustration and growth for me.

Savor the moment. Don't worry about the future.

Matthew 6:25-34
25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God[d] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

YAY!!

#1. Summer is here. I picked up my kids today, and that's when summer officially begins for me. We're leaving on a week and a half long camping trip to include Oregon and Yellowstone National Park. I'm not sure I'll have any wireless internet access, but I will be taking my laptop. So, I may or may not update from the road, it all depends.

#2. I had a fantastic weekend filled with reconnecting, rejuvinating, relaxing and realizing that once in a while, life really does give you second chances. I'm so glad I have a second shot.

#3. My roof didn't leak while I was gone. I seriously thought I was going to come home to my living room ceiling laying on the floor. Fortunately, that didn't happen. Now, I just need to get the roofer over here to see what the problem is.

#4. I'm working on some pretty important stuff personally, and feel like things are getting somewhat better. Boundaries/relationships with parents being at the top of my list right now. After this upcoming vacation, we'll see how it works.

#5 Have I mentioned how awesome my kids are? :) Well, it deserves a second go. I'm so blessed to have such amazing people as my own kids. I'm glad we're not just family, we're friends.

Tossed

Do your emotions rule your head or does your head rule your emotions? I struggle with this constantly. Most often, I allow my emotions to overrule my head. I said recently that I can’t get my heart to believe what my head already knows. That’s been true of me for a long time, and I’m really kind of tired of it. My emotions fluctuate like the tide. I am tossed about, unstable and floundering. I have finally overcome this in my relationship with God. For as long as I can remember I would say that I *knew* God loved me, but somehow I couldn’t get it past my chin and down deep into my heart. When I attended the Revolve Tour in February with my daughter, a healing began in my relationship with God, I finally let it get past my chin and sink deep down into my soul. I am loved, I am worthy, and I am whole.


There are other relationships where I’m not so good at this yet. I’m practicing, really trying to stop listening to the fickleness of my heart and let my head rule a little bit more of my life. It’s hard, the heart is so convincing and pulls on the gut and wrenches the spirit. But, I don’t want to be tossed about. I don’t want to constantly battle the overwhelming emotions that compete for my attention. I want to be in control of them, not let them control me. For someone with my temperament, that’s a tall order, but with God’s help, I can be in control of this aspect of my life in all relationships.

James 1:5-8
5 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 6 But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. 7 Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.

Almost.......

Isn't anticipation fun? I mean, sometimes. Sometimes it can be torture. I've been anticipating the end of the school year and the start of summer more this year than most. This summer is going to be fantastic, and the anticipation is almost at an end.

Things are better when you really really want them.

Permission

I've had some struggles lately with permission. First off, I had to give myself permission to grieve over the loss of the relationship with the STBX. My wise counselor told me many months ago that you can't 'pre-grieve' something. I really thought I had grieved the end of that relationship and that I was ready to move on. I was wrong. I needed to give myself permission to be sad, permission to miss him, permission to remember the good times and permission to be pissed off. I wrote a 8 page 'letter' to him that I'll never mail, but it was theraputic to do it, and I'm better for it.

The other thing with permission is that I still seek 'permission' from people like my mother especially to do things. I've had a close relationship with her, sometimes to the detriment of other relationships (both husbands didn't think it was a healthy relationship, I'm beginning to see that for myself now too). So, I'm no longer checking in with her about everything. I need to give myself permission to be the adult and make my own choices, good or bad, and live with it.

The only person I need permission from is ME. That's a good realization to come to at this point in my life.

Hitched

So, today, I got hitched.. well.. ok, my van did. I now have a trailer hitch installed and I'm ready to hit the road here in about a week and a half for Oregon. This will be the first time my kids have seen the ocean! I'm excited to see their faces. Part of the coast we're going to be at has really powerful surf. It's not the idyllic sunny beaches where you play in the sand, it's the powerful raw force of nature. We'll go to some sandy beaches too, but I want them to see both extremes. On our way back home, we'll go through Yellowstone National Park. Again, seeing the forces of nature at work.

Habakuk 2:14 For the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the LORD, as the waters cover the sea.

"Whisper" meme

Ok, So, I'm tagged by my friend Ian to do this meme thing, and while I've been blogging more and more lately, I don't venture out much past my safe little circles. So, this is a stretch for me, and please recall, I'm not a writer.


The rules:
1. Make a change in the paragraph below. It can be as little as a single word or almost every word, so long as we can still recognize the paragraph you received from the person who tagged you, not the original paragraph.

My paragraph:

She came from the wrong side of the tracks, her pride in one hand and his addiction in the other. Her name was Desiree and she'd never called upon him before when she needed the business. He'd said he pitied her, just like he had so many other girls before her. She cursed him, and then she got down to business. “Like a dog returns to it’s vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.” - Proverbs 26:11

2. Next, tag three people to make a change in the paragraph you wrote, and link to them.

3. Also link to the person who tagged you (me) so the chain will not be broken.

4. Go to the original paragraph at Alice's Restaurant and let her know you did it so she can link back to you. For extra credit, head over to AliceAudrey.wordpress.com around June 9th for the contest based on this meme. You could win a $20 gift certificate!

I'm tagging: sghoul, John Wayne's Girl, and T.H. Elliott


For reference:
Ian's paragraph:
He came from across the dark prairie, his axe in one hand and her heart in the other. His name was Ricardo and he'd never called upon her before when she needed the business. He'd said he pitied her, just like he had so many other girls before her. She cursed him, and so he cut out her heart. Like a scavenger dog, he slunk off to find his next victim.

PhoenixHearse's paragraph:
He came from across town, his ego in one hand and her heart in the other. His name was Ricardo and he never called her when she needed him most. He said he pitied her, along with all the other girls. Instead of cursing him, she took her heart and her dog, and ran off to Poughkeepsie.

Counting Down

The great countdown is on all over the US. Days to election day? NAH. Shopping days till Christmas?? ARE YOU KIDDING? You know what it is... School kids of all ages are counting down the last days of school (and teachers too for that matter). That glorious anticipation of long summer days with no homework, projects or school. As a teacher, I look forward to the end of school almost as much as the students do. I mean, it is, afterall one of the only perks of the job. So, I'm joining in. I have 6 1/2 actual days of school left. Although, with yearbook deadline and graduation being after school gets out, I'll have to finish up some stuff, but still, it will be on my terms. :) So, let's hear it for summer.

Breathe

Every Time I Breathe

I've heard somewhere that you're supposed to take 10 deep cleansing breaths every day. It's supposed to decrease stress, increase circulation and lower anxiety. My counselor told me I needed to deep breathe more to focus myself and be 'in' the moment, something I have a very hard time doing. I've been practicing this today. As I breathe, I try to mentally let go of the little stresses that have been plaguing me for weeks. I'm more relaxed, focused, and productive and it feels good.

Un "Done"

Wait... I'm not DONE yet.
This is how I've felt for the past week or so. School is quickly coming to an end, and I haven't done, or gotten done, or something, all of the things I thought I was going to do, or that I'm used to doing. Usually at this point in the year I have a sense of accomplishment, of finishing, of feeling DONE. I don't this year and I think it's all the yearbook's fault. At my other school, as yearbook adviser, we had 'spring' delivery, which meant, the students got their yearbooks at the beginning of May. Granted, it didn't have prom, or graduation, or the spring play in it, but we solved that problem a few years ago by putting together a spring supplement which included those things.

My new school has 'fall' delivery yearbooks, which means our final deadline isn't until AFTER school gets out (so we can get in Graduation etc). This is not how it's done folks. So, I'm still stressing and feeling deadline pressure, when I should be relaxing and feeling like I've done a good job this year. On top of that, I think we just tried to do too much. Not only are we doing a 100 page yearbook, but a 20 page elementary and middle school book. UGH and trying to sell them, and yeah, it's a nightmare. The Senior DVD situation isn't much better, as in, I don't think it's going to be done, but hey.. really, I've done what I can do on a limited time frame and with limited resources, and not knowing anything about the video editing software, other than what I've managed to dink around with during some free time.

So, in general, I have a sense of malaise, of incompleteness, of 'but wait!'. Honestly, at this point, whatever gets done, gets done, and I'll worry about the rest later. I'm DONE.

Worthwhile

This was on my Max Lucado “God Came Near” perpetual calendar this morning:

“ If there was anything that Jesus wanted everyone to understand it was this: A person is worth something simply because he is a person. That is why he treated people like he did. Think about it. The girl caught making undercover thunder with someone she shouldn’t - he forgave her. The untouchable leper who asked for cleansing – he touched him.” (No Wonder They Call Him the Savior p. 35)

You are precious and honored in my sight, and… I love you Isaiah 43:4”

This is evidence of healing for me:

As I’m facing what would have been my seventh anniversary on Sunday, I’m somewhat introspective about the past seven plus years, and trying to remember the good and deal with the bad. One bad scenario that repeated itself in various forms throughout the last few years of our marriage is having my STBX say to me that I wasn’t worthwhile. (and not just say it but yell it at the top of his lungs about three inches from my face) He (in anger) once asked me what I brought to the marriage, what he possibly got out of having a relationship with me, and what made me worth anything. I remember stammering and casting about in my head trying to come up with some quality, some contribution that he wouldn’t immediately shoot down as ‘BS’. I finally after mentally sorting through and rejecting every other quality I thought I possessed came up with “God made me, and he found me worthy enough to die for”.. and that was all I could muster at that point. He conceded that God did indeed make me, but claimed I’d made a mess of God’s creation and I was worth no more than the garbage on the street. The first time he did this I was so taken aback. So shocked I cried and sobbed for hours. By the time this had happened several times over the course of a couple years, I wasn’t really that crushed anymore. I squared my shoulders, turned my back and walked away. I chose at that moment, to live in the truth of what the Word of God told me, that I am redeemed, whole, valuable, loved and worth far more than rubies. It was a step in healing, in starting to let God’s truthful, loving voice drown out those that only sought to tear me down. It was a step toward freedom, and toward complete healing. It was a step to becoming whole again.

Forgetful

Hebrews 8:12 I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.

The character trait of God I think I’m most thankful for is his forgetfulness. It is tangible evidence of his mercy and grace. He doesn’t pull out a clipboard and remember that he’s already forgiven me for this 398 times. He just doesn’t remember. I’ve done things in my life that I’ve continued to struggle to forgive myself for. The world seems to want to label and remember those mistakes. I’m so glad God doesn’t.

I attended a Bible Study at my church last night, one I’d never gone to before, and of course, wouldn't you know it, the topic for the evening was divorce. I have a unique perspective on divorce. I’ve seen it from just about every angle you can. I’ve been a child of divorce, one who has filed for divorce, and one whom has been asked for a divorce. That pretty much covers the bases. Now, don’t think that just because I’ve had so much experience with it, that I advocate it or approve of it in any way. On the contrary, I wouldn’t recommend the soul wrenching anguish to my worst enemy. I believe one should take every avenue to mend and heal a marriage before just throwing in the towel. It is not something to be taken lightly or flippantly. Some of the attitudes I encountered last night just floored me. I had to literally bite my tongue not to say things that I’m glad now, I didn’t say. I sat there looking at these fresh faced 20somethings who were either newly married or had never been married, much less divorced and thought how naïve and how ignorant they sounded spouting things like ‘well, I suppose if you’re getting your teeth knocked in every night it might be ok”. No one can know the hell another person lives in, no one can sit in judgment over what they think the solution is. Physical violence isn’t the only form of abuse one can endure, it’s just the most visible. I can only say from my own experience, that there are instances where God allows divorce, he hates it, as do I. But, sometimes it’s the lesser of two evils. God is big enough to work through even our own failures to bring about restoration and peace. I’m living proof He can heal and restore a broken life. I’m so glad he’s forgotten that broken battered person I used to be. He sees me as whole and beautiful, no labels, no regrets.

Just another Ordinary Day

Today was pretty much just another ordinary day. The kids and I slept in because we're exhausted. I worked in the yard a little before everyone got up and around, and then we worked outside together. We got Subway and went to a local park to fly kites for a while and took the dogs with us. We came back home and worked out in the yard for a little while longer until it was time for them to go to their dad's house. I finished up some yard work, and started doing laundry. Just another ordinary day. But, one of the best I've had in years. My children are my everyday miracles. I'm so incredibly fortunate to be their mom.

Final Curtain

Well, It's over; the play is finally done.(Cheers and Applause). Things went pretty well on our final night, the audience wasn't quite as into the performance, and the students were tired and stressed out, which made their perfomance a little flat (Boo Hiss). But, all in all, I'm very proud of them, they put on a great show, managed to recover from missed lines and, now, we get to watch musicals for the rest of the year (Awwwwwww).

I feel like I could sleep for a month.

Opening Night

Last night was opening night for the play I'm directing. Dress rehearsal yesterday afternoon was amazing. Everything really came together, and then last night was even more phenomenal as the kids pulled out all the stops and made it a huge success. We had a great turn out for the audience, they were responsive and interacted with the cast beautifully (melodrama style) and it really boosted the actors' performance. Today is our 'down' day, we don't have a performance tonight, so we're just going to hang out and have fun in class. I'm hoping that tomorrow night's performance goes equally as well as last night's and that the students can carry a sense of accomplishment and pride with them. One down, one to go.