Every Time I Breathe
I've heard somewhere that you're supposed to take 10 deep cleansing breaths every day. It's supposed to decrease stress, increase circulation and lower anxiety. My counselor told me I needed to deep breathe more to focus myself and be 'in' the moment, something I have a very hard time doing. I've been practicing this today. As I breathe, I try to mentally let go of the little stresses that have been plaguing me for weeks. I'm more relaxed, focused, and productive and it feels good.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Un "Done"
Wait... I'm not DONE yet.
This is how I've felt for the past week or so. School is quickly coming to an end, and I haven't done, or gotten done, or something, all of the things I thought I was going to do, or that I'm used to doing. Usually at this point in the year I have a sense of accomplishment, of finishing, of feeling DONE. I don't this year and I think it's all the yearbook's fault. At my other school, as yearbook adviser, we had 'spring' delivery, which meant, the students got their yearbooks at the beginning of May. Granted, it didn't have prom, or graduation, or the spring play in it, but we solved that problem a few years ago by putting together a spring supplement which included those things.
My new school has 'fall' delivery yearbooks, which means our final deadline isn't until AFTER school gets out (so we can get in Graduation etc). This is not how it's done folks. So, I'm still stressing and feeling deadline pressure, when I should be relaxing and feeling like I've done a good job this year. On top of that, I think we just tried to do too much. Not only are we doing a 100 page yearbook, but a 20 page elementary and middle school book. UGH and trying to sell them, and yeah, it's a nightmare. The Senior DVD situation isn't much better, as in, I don't think it's going to be done, but hey.. really, I've done what I can do on a limited time frame and with limited resources, and not knowing anything about the video editing software, other than what I've managed to dink around with during some free time.
So, in general, I have a sense of malaise, of incompleteness, of 'but wait!'. Honestly, at this point, whatever gets done, gets done, and I'll worry about the rest later. I'm DONE.
This is how I've felt for the past week or so. School is quickly coming to an end, and I haven't done, or gotten done, or something, all of the things I thought I was going to do, or that I'm used to doing. Usually at this point in the year I have a sense of accomplishment, of finishing, of feeling DONE. I don't this year and I think it's all the yearbook's fault. At my other school, as yearbook adviser, we had 'spring' delivery, which meant, the students got their yearbooks at the beginning of May. Granted, it didn't have prom, or graduation, or the spring play in it, but we solved that problem a few years ago by putting together a spring supplement which included those things.
My new school has 'fall' delivery yearbooks, which means our final deadline isn't until AFTER school gets out (so we can get in Graduation etc). This is not how it's done folks. So, I'm still stressing and feeling deadline pressure, when I should be relaxing and feeling like I've done a good job this year. On top of that, I think we just tried to do too much. Not only are we doing a 100 page yearbook, but a 20 page elementary and middle school book. UGH and trying to sell them, and yeah, it's a nightmare. The Senior DVD situation isn't much better, as in, I don't think it's going to be done, but hey.. really, I've done what I can do on a limited time frame and with limited resources, and not knowing anything about the video editing software, other than what I've managed to dink around with during some free time.
So, in general, I have a sense of malaise, of incompleteness, of 'but wait!'. Honestly, at this point, whatever gets done, gets done, and I'll worry about the rest later. I'm DONE.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Worthwhile
This was on my Max Lucado “God Came Near” perpetual calendar this morning:
This is evidence of healing for me:
As I’m facing what would have been my seventh anniversary on Sunday, I’m somewhat introspective about the past seven plus years, and trying to remember the good and deal with the bad. One bad scenario that repeated itself in various forms throughout the last few years of our marriage is having my STBX say to me that I wasn’t worthwhile. (and not just say it but yell it at the top of his lungs about three inches from my face) He (in anger) once asked me what I brought to the marriage, what he possibly got out of having a relationship with me, and what made me worth anything. I remember stammering and casting about in my head trying to come up with some quality, some contribution that he wouldn’t immediately shoot down as ‘BS’. I finally after mentally sorting through and rejecting every other quality I thought I possessed came up with “God made me, and he found me worthy enough to die for”.. and that was all I could muster at that point. He conceded that God did indeed make me, but claimed I’d made a mess of God’s creation and I was worth no more than the garbage on the street. The first time he did this I was so taken aback. So shocked I cried and sobbed for hours. By the time this had happened several times over the course of a couple years, I wasn’t really that crushed anymore. I squared my shoulders, turned my back and walked away. I chose at that moment, to live in the truth of what the Word of God told me, that I am redeemed, whole, valuable, loved and worth far more than rubies. It was a step in healing, in starting to let God’s truthful, loving voice drown out those that only sought to tear me down. It was a step toward freedom, and toward complete healing. It was a step to becoming whole again.
“ If there was anything that Jesus wanted everyone to understand it was this: A person is worth something simply because he is a person. That is why he treated people like he did. Think about it. The girl caught making undercover thunder with someone she shouldn’t - he forgave her. The untouchable leper who asked for cleansing – he touched him.” (No Wonder They Call Him the Savior p. 35)
You are precious and honored in my sight, and… I love you Isaiah 43:4”
This is evidence of healing for me:
As I’m facing what would have been my seventh anniversary on Sunday, I’m somewhat introspective about the past seven plus years, and trying to remember the good and deal with the bad. One bad scenario that repeated itself in various forms throughout the last few years of our marriage is having my STBX say to me that I wasn’t worthwhile. (and not just say it but yell it at the top of his lungs about three inches from my face) He (in anger) once asked me what I brought to the marriage, what he possibly got out of having a relationship with me, and what made me worth anything. I remember stammering and casting about in my head trying to come up with some quality, some contribution that he wouldn’t immediately shoot down as ‘BS’. I finally after mentally sorting through and rejecting every other quality I thought I possessed came up with “God made me, and he found me worthy enough to die for”.. and that was all I could muster at that point. He conceded that God did indeed make me, but claimed I’d made a mess of God’s creation and I was worth no more than the garbage on the street. The first time he did this I was so taken aback. So shocked I cried and sobbed for hours. By the time this had happened several times over the course of a couple years, I wasn’t really that crushed anymore. I squared my shoulders, turned my back and walked away. I chose at that moment, to live in the truth of what the Word of God told me, that I am redeemed, whole, valuable, loved and worth far more than rubies. It was a step in healing, in starting to let God’s truthful, loving voice drown out those that only sought to tear me down. It was a step toward freedom, and toward complete healing. It was a step to becoming whole again.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Forgetful
Hebrews 8:12 I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.
The character trait of God I think I’m most thankful for is his forgetfulness. It is tangible evidence of his mercy and grace. He doesn’t pull out a clipboard and remember that he’s already forgiven me for this 398 times. He just doesn’t remember. I’ve done things in my life that I’ve continued to struggle to forgive myself for. The world seems to want to label and remember those mistakes. I’m so glad God doesn’t.
I attended a Bible Study at my church last night, one I’d never gone to before, and of course, wouldn't you know it, the topic for the evening was divorce. I have a unique perspective on divorce. I’ve seen it from just about every angle you can. I’ve been a child of divorce, one who has filed for divorce, and one whom has been asked for a divorce. That pretty much covers the bases. Now, don’t think that just because I’ve had so much experience with it, that I advocate it or approve of it in any way. On the contrary, I wouldn’t recommend the soul wrenching anguish to my worst enemy. I believe one should take every avenue to mend and heal a marriage before just throwing in the towel. It is not something to be taken lightly or flippantly. Some of the attitudes I encountered last night just floored me. I had to literally bite my tongue not to say things that I’m glad now, I didn’t say. I sat there looking at these fresh faced 20somethings who were either newly married or had never been married, much less divorced and thought how naïve and how ignorant they sounded spouting things like ‘well, I suppose if you’re getting your teeth knocked in every night it might be ok”. No one can know the hell another person lives in, no one can sit in judgment over what they think the solution is. Physical violence isn’t the only form of abuse one can endure, it’s just the most visible. I can only say from my own experience, that there are instances where God allows divorce, he hates it, as do I. But, sometimes it’s the lesser of two evils. God is big enough to work through even our own failures to bring about restoration and peace. I’m living proof He can heal and restore a broken life. I’m so glad he’s forgotten that broken battered person I used to be. He sees me as whole and beautiful, no labels, no regrets.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Just another Ordinary Day
Today was pretty much just another ordinary day. The kids and I slept in because we're exhausted. I worked in the yard a little before everyone got up and around, and then we worked outside together. We got Subway and went to a local park to fly kites for a while and took the dogs with us. We came back home and worked out in the yard for a little while longer until it was time for them to go to their dad's house. I finished up some yard work, and started doing laundry. Just another ordinary day. But, one of the best I've had in years. My children are my everyday miracles. I'm so incredibly fortunate to be their mom.
Final Curtain
Well, It's over; the play is finally done.(Cheers and Applause). Things went pretty well on our final night, the audience wasn't quite as into the performance, and the students were tired and stressed out, which made their perfomance a little flat (Boo Hiss). But, all in all, I'm very proud of them, they put on a great show, managed to recover from missed lines and, now, we get to watch musicals for the rest of the year (Awwwwwww).
I feel like I could sleep for a month.
I feel like I could sleep for a month.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Opening Night
Last night was opening night for the play I'm directing. Dress rehearsal yesterday afternoon was amazing. Everything really came together, and then last night was even more phenomenal as the kids pulled out all the stops and made it a huge success. We had a great turn out for the audience, they were responsive and interacted with the cast beautifully (melodrama style) and it really boosted the actors' performance. Today is our 'down' day, we don't have a performance tonight, so we're just going to hang out and have fun in class. I'm hoping that tomorrow night's performance goes equally as well as last night's and that the students can carry a sense of accomplishment and pride with them. One down, one to go.
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