Possibilities

I have a lot of stuff going on under the surface today. I am working on lesson plans for the first few weeks of school, but I'm also trying to plan and figure out what is going to be happening in my personal life.

My honey has decided to heck with Florida and he's moving to Colorado sometime before Thanksgiving (heck, at this point it sounds like sometime before the first day of Fall). I'm excited about this, relieved to know we don't have to do the long distance thing much longer, but also curious as to how our relationship will change. The time apart has been good for us to develop a deep intimacy of thought and feeling and great communication. I just hope that continues as we're living our lives side by side and there's no need to 're-hash' our day and share all those little thoughts and feelings and ideas.

The other big change is that my children will be going to school where I teach. The younger two will be in middle school and my oldest will be at the high school with me. This will be a huge change, in that I will not only see my children every day on the way to and from school, but I will have my oldest in class as a student. I remember having my parents working at the school I went to, and for me it was a comfort knowing they were close by when I was little. As I got older, and teachers would tell my parents things that if they hadn't worked there, they would have never taken the time to call them up and let them know, it got to be uncomfortable. I just hope I don't cramp my daughter's style and allow her to be her own person and find her own interests and friends.

In addition to my children going to school where I teach, there is a possibility that they may be living with me 'full time' meaning, they'd see their dad every other weekend and stay with me the rest of the time. This is dependent on their dad moving to the town he works in, which is what he wants to do, and is making steps toward doing that (right now he's commuting an hour each way every day to his job). I know this is heartbreaking for him, but I also think it's what needs to happen for the good of all the children involved in the situation. The timing of it is totally up in the air.

Through all of this, I've realized that one of the things I've been struggling with (I call it being in limbo) is that I have no control over any of these situations. There is nothing I can do to speed up the process or to make sure things happen the way *I* think they should. Once again, I'm trusting in God's timing, in His plan, and that He will work it all out. I know He will, He has a good track record, it just requires me to quiet *my* heart enough to let Him work and not muck up the process.

Geeky

Ok, I admit it, I'm a geek. In some areas more than others. Last night I let the true band geek run rampant as I watched the DCI (Drum Corps International) Quarterfinals on the big screen at the theater. Now, that may not seem like much to some folks, but this was 5 hours long sitting in a movie theater with people I didn't know, but we were all cheering together just the same. This theater also happens to be two hours away from my house (the closest theater that was showing the DCI quarterfinals). I loved it. The corps were great, it made me nostalgic for the days I would hang around the pit crew when my brother was in Blue Knights. I'd really like to go to finals week sometime. Maybe next year, until then... I may just have to go catch the DCI top 12 online tonight.

Time Flies

Wow, It's August already and school starts for me a week from today. I had a really good summer. I didn't get done everything I should have around the house, but I did have a fantastic vacation with the kids and the Powells, and that was much needed. Now, as I look at what I need to accomplish for the school year, I'm excited about what this year holds. I'll be taking my children to school where I teach, so that's exciting and will actually have my oldest daughter as one of my students. I continue to be amazed at God's timing, His complete gentleness when dealing with us, and His extreme love for me, and His mercy in all circumstances. Some of the things that have been in limbo for a long time are starting to shake loose for me, and some things that have been long anticipated are starting to show progress, so that's a relief. I think I've learned more patience through this time, but more importantly, I've known all along that God's timing is perfect.

Growth

It's exciting to see evidence of growth and healing. Tonight I was looking for some song lyrics I knew I had on the computer somewhere and came across some old letters I'd saved. One was from two years ago when I very first started this journey of recovery and healing, one was from a year and a half ago when I said goodbye to the ex. The last one was from just over a year ago and was a list of things I was working on. Now, I can't say that everything on that list is crossed off and taken care of, but much of what I have struggled with for so long has simply ceased to be an issue because of my understanding of my position in Christ. This was very clear to me as I read the book "The Shack" this weekend. For some, it may be a book that is a radical departure from their way of viewing God. For me, it was a great affirmation of the intimate relationship I have with the creator, redeemer and lover of my soul. I have so many question marks in my life right now, but, though I'm excited about how they will all be answered, I have no doubts of the rightness of God's timing, or of the extreme care and love bestowed upon me by an benevolent, protective heavenly parent. I find myself looking at others a little differently, and reminding myself that God is especially fond of ALL of his children.

We're back

It was a fantastic trip. We rode roller coasters, went to the beach, rode more roller coasters, played in water parks and pools and more beaches and saw a lot of animals and spent time just hanging out and relaxing with my favorite person in the world. I really didn't want to leave, not only because the 27 hour drive home was much less appealing to me than the drive out, but because I felt very comfortable, and at peace there, I always do. I'm still getting used to being 'home'. It was so nice to be away for a while and pretend that the pressures here don't exist. But, now, it's back to reality, and yard work and preparations for school. I was dismayed when I walked into our local store tonight and found they already had school supplies out on the shelves. I still have almost a month of summer left! :)

When I got back, I had a yard full of weeds to pull and mowing to do in the back (a neighbor mowed the front while I was gone so it would at least look like someone was sort of here). As I was pulling weeds one morning this week, I was again reminded of how a physical garden is a good metaphor for our spiritual lives. Left untended for a while, weeds crop up and choke out the good plants. It's a lot easier to weed it daily and only have a few minutes work to do, rather than having a marathon weed pulling session that takes hours. It was a gentle reminder to me, that I need to be taking care of my spiritual 'garden' every day too.

Preparations

We're leaving.. for almost a month! I'm excited, but also a little nervous that I won't remember everything I need to bring. So, I make lists. My BF jokes that I makes lists of my lists to keep it all organized, which isn't quite true, but close.
I'm a little nervous about driving across the country (1800 miles one way) with three kids, but I also remember the amazing trips my mom took me and my brother on when we were growing up, and I feel like it's my turn, and I want to make those kinds of memories with MY kids. I also want to know that I can do it. I've planned and prepared for this trip for over three months, and now I have to wait one more week before we can get in the car and drive. I have lists of things to do to keep me busy, so I won't drive myself crazy. YAY for road trips.

New birth.

I know this is strange.. but hopefully today my children will have a new half sister. I remember the wonder I felt after the birth of each of my children. This song goes out to my kids' newest half sibling, and her mother, who I can finally call my friend.

I just heard this song for the first time on Pandora. I really love the lyrics and the haunting melody.

In My Arms by Plumb on the album Blink

Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly cues
Your contageous smile
And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight

Knowing clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies

Knowing clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you

Clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Loved

My kids are really truly amazing people. Each of them has their own special talents and interests, and each of them has their own way of communicating with me. I love that my 13 year old son still like for me to hug him (just not in front of the guys mom) and that my oldest daughter likes 'girl talk' and my youngest daughter, is always up for a walk or an adventure with me. Having them around more has been great this year. As summer approaches, I'm glad we have a big trip planned, but am sort of at odds with what I will do when they're at their dad's house for a significant period of time in the summer. I need to learn to enjoy the moments I have them here, rather than worrying about what I'll do when they aren't.

Feeling Good

April was a hard month for me. I was extremely busy, and really didn't take time for myself like I should have. It also means Easter candy which has been the downfall of many many diet attempts on my part. This year was no exception. So, with April out of the way, and summer quickly approaching (yay!) I'm starting to make some changes in my weekly habits. The first change is that I'm moving more. I'm walking, outside working in my yard, and also doing work out dvd's. I've noticed that I feel better about myself when I exercise. Maybe it's the endorphins, maybe it's just because I'm taking care of me, but I like it. I'm going to keep doing it.

The other thing I'm doing is setting small (6 weeks at a time) goals for weight loss. I get overwhelmed when I think about 4 or 5 or 6 months down the road, but 6 weeks I can do and 10 pounds at a time is something reasonable in 6 weeks. If I do more, great! But, I think I can stick to this. I need to use the time I have wisely, and part of that is getting away from the computer and outside. So, with that said, I think I'll walk to church this morning. Yard work is on the agenda this afternoon.

Have a great day!

Fenced

YAY! My fence is back up and secure. I can't express my thanks to the guys who came and helped me build this enough. Not only did they dig the post holes I was struggling to dig in about 15 minutes, but they helped get the whole fence built in one day. I'm glad to have a few friends up here in the middle of nowhere. So, the doggies are happy to be able to run around again, and I'm happy they can too. The level of energy those dogs have is amazing, they were definitely born to run.

Spring

Well, It's springtime here again, which means: SNOW!! (and WIND.. which equals Blizzard!) This week my children had their first snow day from school. They may have their second one tomorrow. I am on Spring Break, so no interruption in my school schedule, and it's been nice to get some things done around the house. One thing I didn't count on, however, was needing to entirely rebuild 50 feet worth of privacy fence. I'm done with the tearing down process, but haven't even really started on the putting back up process. I don't know that it will get done before Monday when I have to go back to school, but I'll get it done eventually. I sort of have to! The dogs can't live in the garage forever. :)

Perfect

I, like many moms I know, struggle with 'perfection'.. not that I'm perfect and struggle with it, but that I EXPECT myself to be perfect and to do things perfectly and beat myself up when I can't quite measure up to my own expectations. While that may sound like a really lame thing to worry about, it's something that I'm trying to 'let go' of. Trying to be perfect all the time stresses me out. It makes me cranky and impatient and it stresses my kids out too. I'm trying to let go a little. My life doesn't always have to work out the way I planned (in fact, it rarely does) and I learn to adapt quickly when I'm teaching, so I need to carry that over into the rest of my life.. and just let go a little.. The problem is, I'm sort of an 'all or nothing' kind of person, so I'm afraid that if I let go too much I'll end up not doing anything well. It's all a balance.

Today I heard the song "Perfect" by Sara Evans (on Pandora radio, if you don't listen, you should.. it's personalized radio.. how cool is that?) The words were some that I need to keep in mind, in every area of my life.

If you don't take me to Paris
On a lover's getaway
It's all right, it's all right
If I'd rather wear your t-shirt
Than a sexy negligee
It's all right, it's all right
Every dinner doesn't have to be candlelit
It's kinda nice to know that it doesn't have to be

[Chorus]
Perfect
Baby every little piece
Of the puzzle doesn't always fit
Perfectly
Love can be rough around the edges tattered at the seams
But honey if it's good enough for you
It's good enough for me
If your mother doesn't like
The way I treat her baby boy
It's all right, it's all right
If in every wedding picture
My daddy looks annoyed
It's all right, it's all right
Don't you know that all the fairy tales tell a lie
Real love and real life doesn't have to be

[Repeat Chorus]

You don't mind if I show up late for everything
And when you lose your cool it's kinda cute to me
Ain't it nice to know that we don't have to be

[Repeat Chorus]

It's good enough for me (perfect)
Yeah good enough for me (perfect)
Good enough for me (perfect)

Miracles

I never thought I'd be able to say that my ex (the one I have kids with) and I are friends. But, in the past few weeks, with all that is transpiring in his life, and by extension, my life, we've built some bridges. His wife and I have been communicating frequently, we're getting to know each other on a personal basis, rather than as 'the step-mom'. She's a remarkable woman. I'm fortunate to be able to get to know her this way. It's amazing to see the peace that has come over my children as a result.

Romans 17 -19 Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it." ~ The Message

Alone

So, as I contemplate the changes that could possibly occur in my life in the next few months, I realize that I usually try to prepare myself for the 'worst case scenario'. I tend to get fatalistic about things and jump to the very worst possible conclusions and prepare myself for that eventuality. Right now, I'm mentally preparing myself for the possibility that I will end up utterly alone in the middle of nowhere. Sure, I'll still have co-workers and church friends and neighbors, but no family, no one here who a) my world can revolve around or b) whose world revolves in constant orbit with mine. I find that this is my biggest fear in life. Why? probably because I'm an extrovert and a nurturer by nature, and I think I actually *need* to have someone else to take care of. Of course, I'll still have my dogs, and I guess that's something.. at least I won't be the crazy cat lady.

Sadness or Euphoria

Today as I was listening to online radio I heard this Billy Joel song that I'd never heard before. It's called Summer, Highland Falls. The words really rang true with how I'm feeling today.

They say that these are not the best of times
But they're the only times I've ever known
And I believe there is a time for meditation
In cathedrals of our own
Now I have seen that sad surrender in my lovers' eyes
I can only stand apart and sympathize
For we are always what our situations hand us
It's either sadness or euphoria

And so we'll argue and we'll compromise
And realize that nothing's ever changed
For all our mutual experience
Our separate conclusions are the same
Now we are forced to recognize our inhumanity
A reason coexists with our insanity
And so we choose between reality and madness
It's either sadness or euphoria

How thoughtlessly we dissipate our energies
Perhaps we don't fulfill each other's fantasies
So we stand upon the ledges of our lives
With our respective similarities
It's either sadness or euphoria

Trust

So, it's been about a month since I've blogged. A lot has been happening with me, but nothing that I felt like sharing with an anonymous audience. My close friends know what's going on with me, and that's as it should be I guess. What I can say though, is that through the circumstances I find myself faced with, I am constantly assured of God's goodness, faithfulness and provision. I still believe that moving here to be closer to my kids was the right move. I had to move somewhere, I had to find a job, and all of those things were right here waiting for me. I'm not sure what the future holds, and for someone who really hates being in limbo, that's the hardest place to be. I'm learning, slowly, to trust the future to God's most capable hands. Afterall, there's really nothing else I can do at this point.

MUF-ing right along

My diet and weight loss journey isn't something I've blogged about at all, I don't think, but it's something that has been an ongoing battle for me since.... well.. since having children 14 years ago. I've tried every 'diet' out there, Weight Watchers (lost 20 pounds and my cholesterol shot through the roof), Atkins (who can eat like that for life?) South Beach (still better, but yikes.. low energy levels) Lean for Life (probably do-able, but I just wasn't at a place in my life where I was able to do it consistently and I always felt deprived and hungry). Now, the latest craze to hit the diet world is the Flat Belly Diet based on the idea of eating MonoUnsaturated Fats at every meal (4 400 calorie meals per day to be exact). I looked at the foods that are good sources of MUFA's (olives, olive oil, nuts and seeds, avocados and dark chocolate) and decided I could live the rest of my life eating one of those at every meal. Now, my day doesn't really lend itself to 4 meals a day, so I've cut the 4th meal into two 200 calorie snacks (which works better for my life) and I think it will be ok... we'll see. Yesterday was my first day trying this and here are my observations:

1. When it was time for my 10:30 snack, I wasn't starving.
2. I almost couldn't finish my lunch.
3. Afternoon snack was satisfying and I didn't eat dinner until 6:30 (normally I'm ravenous by 5:00)
4. None of the food in the concessions stand was temping to me last night (that may be due to the fact that I'm entirely sick of the smell of popcorn, hot dogs and nacho cheese)
5. My attitude about food is better, my attitude about most things in general is getting better all the time (I don't attribute all of that to the diet, but not feeling hungry and headachy sure helps my disposition).

So.. this is something I can live with. I'm hoping it works as well as it's supposed to.

Have a MUFAlous weekend!! :)

Slogging

I don't know if it's due to the extremely high temperatures a week ago (70's and 80's) followed by the extremely low temperatures this week (the high yesterday was 13) or exactly what it is that has me down, but down I am. I think of all the things I could be/should be doing and I have NO motivation to do them. I try to eat more healthy foods and end up sabotaging myself by the end of the day. I feel like I'm walking up hill through freezing molasses with a 50 pound pack on my back. Everything about me feels heavy right now. My head, my heart, my body, my mind, my very soul all feel weighed down. I need a break. I need some levity. I need some aspirin.

Still Healing

Time will heal all wounds it's true, and things are better every day. I was listening to pandora radio this morning and the song "Thank You" by Alanis Morisette came on.. and some of the lyrics really struck me...

Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

The Bible says to give thanks continually. I'm not sure I ever thought to thank terror or frailty or consequence or disillusionment like the song says.. but those are all things that brought me to where I am. For the most part, where I am is a good thing. I still get lonely, I still get down, I still feel overwhelmed.. but that's normal isn't it? Doesn't everyone, no matter what their situation, feel those things at times? I'm so fortunate to have God's presence, the love of an amazing man, my family, and great friends to help me through those times when I feel overwhelmed. You all know who you are.. and I thank each one of you for the role you've taken in my healing in the past year. I'm not 'done' yet.. but I'm so much better. I've come a long way baby!! :)

Second Half

So, today I officially started the second half of the school year. My classes are much smaller than first semester, with the exception of digital video production (23 on the roster), which apparently I've already scared two kids out of (they were thinking this was going to be a class they just goofed off in I guess) So, all in all, things should be much less stressful for me curriculum wise this semester, which is good because things will really ramp up for FBLA and the Class of 2010 for me this spring. *whew* I love it when things are less stressful than you anticipated them to be.

2009 Goals

Ok, I'm sure the blogsphere is filled with New Year's resolutions posts. But, just so I have something to look back at and say It all started here.. These are my goals for 2009. The overall goal is to take better care of myself.. the specific steps are:

1. Drink more water. (I'm horrible at staying hydrated and as a result have horrible headaches and I'm sure I'll feel better in general if I drink more water.)

2. Take my vitamins. (Again, I'm terrible at doing this, and need to start taking better care of myself in general, afterall, this is the only body I've got!) :)

3. Drop some weight. (I'm not going to put a number on it, because I'll get obsessive about it and start sabotaging myself.. but in general, I'd like to weigh less than I do now.)

4. Read fun books. (Last year I read probably 5 or 6 self-help type books, which was fine, but I miss reading for the enjoyment of it rather than for self-improvement).

That's about it.. :)