Overcoming Fear - Feeling Safe

Fear has been a driving force in my life. There have been times when I'm so fearful of making a wrong decision that I've been inactive to the point of losing the opportunity to decide altogether. Fear turns my stomach to ice and I can't breathe. I literally feel paralyzed. I thought this transition would cause that same sense of fear, trepidation, and unrest for me. It's amazing that all I really feel is peace, freedom, and safety. Part of this is due to the fact that I honestly feel like I tried *everything* possible to hold the relationship together, and that the final split was not my decision. I just didn't fight the inevitable any more and accepted someone else's choice.

I was afraid of loneliness, and being alone.
There’s a difference in being alone and being lonely. Sometimes I’m lonely, but most of the time, I just enjoy the peacefulness of my home, the company of my dogs, I talk to friends on the phone (I’m thankful for unlimited long distance). I do projects around the house. (I’ve actually sewn and painted and written music lately). I can live with myself and not be afraid, not fear the future. I’m enjoying my own company for the first time in my life. I feel at peace, and like I’ve made the best possible decisions given the available choices. I’m finally safe.


Part of this song talks about hiding behind a mask, and hiding the mistakes. I recall a recent conversation with my STBX where I said to him that I tried to be so perfect all the time and not mess up, because he was so critical of every weakness or mistake. I told him I tried to hide my mistakes from him, so that he would still like me and still think I was ok. He thought that was a really strange statement to make, but seeing that same sentiment in this song was really moving for me. It also makes me realize how twisted the relationship had become. I felt safer with everyone else in the world than with my spouse. I was afraid of him, of what he thought about me, and what he might do to me. That’s no way to live. God is 'taking me apart" and mending me. He is my anchor, my rock. He is the balm to my blistered soul. In Him, I am safe.

How did you know that I’m all alone, today
Oh I feel so scared and I wanna go away
I bleed so deep underneath
my soul is screaming

I’m not gonna hide
I’m not gonna run away
I'll uncover the scars and show you every mistake
Your love is mending my blisters and the bruising shame
Here with you
I am safe

Drowning the tears won't make it go away
It's robbing my soul so I’m taking this mask off my face, yea
to discover love and uncover all it means to live and breathe

I’m not gonna hide
I’m not gonna run away
I'll uncover the scars and show you every mistake
your love is mending my blisters and the bruising shame
here with you
I am safe

When you uncover I discover
I am not afraid
but when we're hiding
we end up fighting
to be, safe
yea

I’m not gonna hide
I’m not gonna run away
I’ll uncover the scars and show you every mistake
your love is mending my blisters and my bruising shame
here with you
I am safe