Mending a Heart

Another song from this past weekend that really spoke to me was called "Back at My Heart". It talks about being strong on the outside while underneath you're a total mess. I've lived that way for years. I'd cry all the way to work in the morning, get there and 'put on a happy face' and 'never let them see you sweat' kind of thing, and then get back in my car for the drive back home and dread the unkown. Not sure what kind of situation I was going to be walking into. Toward the end of that time period, I would literally be shaking with anxiety by the time I drove into the driveway.

Thankfully, I've really felt like the shell that has surrounded my heart, those carefully constructed walls to help protect me have started to just melt away. No longer am I fearful, no longer am I constantly trying to protect myself from emotional and mental games. Yesterday really brought this to light as I went back and collected the last of my belongings from my STBX. In the hour I was there, I saw with new eyes the level of bitterness and anger that permeates that life. I didn't feel sucked into it, I didn't feel attacked by it, I don't have to live in that anymore. The trip back to my new home was joyful, peaceful and I couldn't wait to get back into my house and start getting things squared away, put away, thrown away, whatever was required.

Another aspect of this healing has been allowing people to see into my life on a level that requires a great deal of vulnerability. The ladies at my Bible Study have been really supportive and amazing. Going to the Revolve Tour this weekend was a major time of growth and healing. I feel so centered, changed, renewed. I may be able to really climb out of that shell here soon. I've started writing music again, which is a sign to me that I'm really getting back to who I am. It feels really good. That constant presence of God is like a balm to my soul. There's another song I'll post later that talks about that.