Ice is the enemy

Tomorrow I will have been living in this house for two months. It hardly seems possible, but I look back over all that has happened and it seems like a lot longer. For several days before I moved in massive amounts of snow fell on this region. I’ve been shoveling out with the help of some sunny days ever since. My front driveway and sidewalks have been snow free for weeks, but my back yard is a totally different story. There are still piles of snow and slabs of ice back there two inches thick. As I was breaking up the slabs of ice and scraping the last of the snow off my north facing patio this afternoon, I thought to myself “wow, just in time, we’re supposed to have snow this Saturday and this would all be underneath and it would just build up again. It sure is easier to clear off when you start from a clean surface”. God nudged me just a little for me to see this in a spiritual perspective. Bitterness is like ice. It may take root in a big storm in our lives and while most of the pain and frustration of the situation might melt away pretty quickly, if we don’t clear it all out initially, it builds up and creates ice. Each time another storm comes along it just reinforces and builds on that foundation creating thick slabs that are really hard to break through, and take even longer to just melt on their own. When we have a clear surface to work from without all the ice underneath, every time a storm comes into our lives, we can easily push it aside and let it melt away. There’s also another aspect of this that occurred to me. The front yard was a lot easier to clear off because it faces south and gets a lot of sun. The back yard faces north, so it doesn’t get that much exposure to the sun. Just like the south facing yard, if our spirits don’t get enough exposure to God’s Son, it’s not as easy to clear off that stubborn patch of icy bitterness.

Hebrews 12:14-15
14Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. 15See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

Smells Like......

Ok, I'm crazy, I know that. I love walking through the dish detergent, laundry detergent or air freshener isle in a grocery store. I LOVE the smells. I never really realized before how important that sense is to me. It's not one I consciously rely on a lot, but smelling something really triggers emotions and memories for me. I can remember the smell of a boyfriend I had in high school and on and off in college. He wore Black Suede cologne. I actually bought some and dabbed it on a teddy bear he'd given me, because we were far away, and I wanted his memory and his presence that close. I think I've passed this on to my youngest daughter. She plays the violin, and I bought her some rosin for her bow. When she opened it up for the first time, she SMELLED it! More amazing, is that she exclaimed after smelling it "Mom, it smells like music!" :) What a funny kid!

Throughout the Old Testament, each time the Israelites are commanded to sacrifice something on the altar to God, it creates a "pleasing aroma, a sacrifice to God."

Numbers 28:2 “Give these instructions to the people of Israel: The offerings you present as special gifts are a pleasing aroma to me; they are my food. See to it that they are brought at the appointed times and offered according to my instructions."

Wow, God, who is non-corporeal, as far as I know, feeds on the aroma of our offerings. In the New Testament it says:

Ephesians 5:2:
"Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God."

So, we are to live a life of love as our sacrifice to God, and THAT will be a special gift to him, his food, a sacrifice.

Living a life filled with love sounds really good. But, it's hard sometimes when you're called to love people who have hurt you terribly (and don't seem to mind continuing to hurt you). I guess I'm still working on it.

So, now when I enjoy the smell of something, I'll remember how much God loves the smell of love in my life. :)

Sorting through the papers

I was looking for some photos today in a box that had old papers. I came across a folder from my college poetry class. So, I sat down and took about an hour looking through it. The first thing I noticed was the pages upon pages of handwritten notes. I started reading through them and realized that it was the journal that our instructor made us keep. I think we had to turn in 25 handwritten pages a week. That’s a lot to do! Reading through those pages was pretty amazing. In them, I found a poem I never really finished writing about my grandmother, who died this past October. Maybe now that her story is done, I can go ahead and finish the poem. Maybe when I’m done with it, I’ll post it here.

Looking back through all those pages I see such raw emotion poured out. I was so angry, and hurt and searching everywhere for acceptance. I’m saddened to realize just how long I looked for that unconditional love when I’ve had it all along. This folder has been there for 15 years. There were poems about my dad, about boyfriends, about children I’d known, about my hair, about my hands, about my fears. It’s truly amazing what we carry around in boxes for years and years. Finally, that insecurity and the constant searching has come to a stop. Maybe it just took me longer to grow up than most people, even though I had a head start. They say children of divorce grow up faster (or maybe just too fast). I felt old when I was 12, but yet, still a scared lonely child until I was almost 35. I will be forever grateful to the counselor who could finally walk me through the healing process of bringing that little girl out of the dark corner and re-integrating her into myself. It was miraculous, and resulted in the wholeness I’ve been searching for my whole life. Maybe I should write a poem about that. I probably will.

Unmoved

Lately I’ve really been enjoying Natalie Grant’s newest CD, Relentless. My recent posts have featured some of the songs from that album (and if you don’t have it, run out right now and buy it, I’m serious!) The last track I'm going to talk about right now is actually the first track on this CD. It could be my theme song. I won't go into all the details of my previous life, because well, why dwell on the past? I am free from those shackles, and while they taught me things I might not have otherwise learned, I am not bound by the mistakes of my past. I won't 'count the score of all my shattered dreams'. I'm standing on solid ground, and I will not be moved. NEVER ever again. Jesus holds me gently in his hands, and will not let me go. THANK GOD.

I have been a wayward child,
I have acted out,
I have questioned sovereignty,
and had my share of doubts,
And though sometimes,
my prayers feel like they’re bouncing off the sky,
the hand I hold won’t let me go,
and is the reason why

I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart,
many times before,
My life has been a broken glass,
and I have kept the score,
of all my shattered dreams,
and though it seemed,
that I was far too gone,
my brokenness helped me to see,
it’s grace I’m standing on.

I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved

The chaos in my life,
has been a badge I’ve worn,
and though I have been torn,
I will not be moved

I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But i will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand,
I WILL NOT BE MOVED

Overcoming Fear - Feeling Safe

Fear has been a driving force in my life. There have been times when I'm so fearful of making a wrong decision that I've been inactive to the point of losing the opportunity to decide altogether. Fear turns my stomach to ice and I can't breathe. I literally feel paralyzed. I thought this transition would cause that same sense of fear, trepidation, and unrest for me. It's amazing that all I really feel is peace, freedom, and safety. Part of this is due to the fact that I honestly feel like I tried *everything* possible to hold the relationship together, and that the final split was not my decision. I just didn't fight the inevitable any more and accepted someone else's choice.

I was afraid of loneliness, and being alone.
There’s a difference in being alone and being lonely. Sometimes I’m lonely, but most of the time, I just enjoy the peacefulness of my home, the company of my dogs, I talk to friends on the phone (I’m thankful for unlimited long distance). I do projects around the house. (I’ve actually sewn and painted and written music lately). I can live with myself and not be afraid, not fear the future. I’m enjoying my own company for the first time in my life. I feel at peace, and like I’ve made the best possible decisions given the available choices. I’m finally safe.


Part of this song talks about hiding behind a mask, and hiding the mistakes. I recall a recent conversation with my STBX where I said to him that I tried to be so perfect all the time and not mess up, because he was so critical of every weakness or mistake. I told him I tried to hide my mistakes from him, so that he would still like me and still think I was ok. He thought that was a really strange statement to make, but seeing that same sentiment in this song was really moving for me. It also makes me realize how twisted the relationship had become. I felt safer with everyone else in the world than with my spouse. I was afraid of him, of what he thought about me, and what he might do to me. That’s no way to live. God is 'taking me apart" and mending me. He is my anchor, my rock. He is the balm to my blistered soul. In Him, I am safe.

How did you know that I’m all alone, today
Oh I feel so scared and I wanna go away
I bleed so deep underneath
my soul is screaming

I’m not gonna hide
I’m not gonna run away
I'll uncover the scars and show you every mistake
Your love is mending my blisters and the bruising shame
Here with you
I am safe

Drowning the tears won't make it go away
It's robbing my soul so I’m taking this mask off my face, yea
to discover love and uncover all it means to live and breathe

I’m not gonna hide
I’m not gonna run away
I'll uncover the scars and show you every mistake
your love is mending my blisters and the bruising shame
here with you
I am safe

When you uncover I discover
I am not afraid
but when we're hiding
we end up fighting
to be, safe
yea

I’m not gonna hide
I’m not gonna run away
I’ll uncover the scars and show you every mistake
your love is mending my blisters and my bruising shame
here with you
I am safe

Mending a Heart

Another song from this past weekend that really spoke to me was called "Back at My Heart". It talks about being strong on the outside while underneath you're a total mess. I've lived that way for years. I'd cry all the way to work in the morning, get there and 'put on a happy face' and 'never let them see you sweat' kind of thing, and then get back in my car for the drive back home and dread the unkown. Not sure what kind of situation I was going to be walking into. Toward the end of that time period, I would literally be shaking with anxiety by the time I drove into the driveway.

Thankfully, I've really felt like the shell that has surrounded my heart, those carefully constructed walls to help protect me have started to just melt away. No longer am I fearful, no longer am I constantly trying to protect myself from emotional and mental games. Yesterday really brought this to light as I went back and collected the last of my belongings from my STBX. In the hour I was there, I saw with new eyes the level of bitterness and anger that permeates that life. I didn't feel sucked into it, I didn't feel attacked by it, I don't have to live in that anymore. The trip back to my new home was joyful, peaceful and I couldn't wait to get back into my house and start getting things squared away, put away, thrown away, whatever was required.

Another aspect of this healing has been allowing people to see into my life on a level that requires a great deal of vulnerability. The ladies at my Bible Study have been really supportive and amazing. Going to the Revolve Tour this weekend was a major time of growth and healing. I feel so centered, changed, renewed. I may be able to really climb out of that shell here soon. I've started writing music again, which is a sign to me that I'm really getting back to who I am. It feels really good. That constant presence of God is like a balm to my soul. There's another song I'll post later that talks about that.

In Better Hands

The bass guitar and drums reverberate through my chest. I can feel every beat. The pounding drum echoes in the pit of my stomach. Shrieks of teenage girls whistling for their favorite music artists compete with the ringing in my middle-aged ears. Nine thousand voices are raised in praise and I am overcome with emotion. I sit down and just let the tears stream down my face as floods of love and joy and peace and acceptance wash over and through me. Breaking down the carefully constructed walls protecting my heart. Filling me up with hope and emptying out the years of abuse, of darkness, of not being ‘enough’.

This weekend I took my teenage daughter to the Revolve Tour. (What’s the Revolve Tour you ask) It’s like a big youth rally put on by the same people who do the Women of Faith conference. It’s for teen girls and talks to them about image issues, conformity, loving yourself and accepting yourself and letting God heal you.

We ALL need to hear these things. I’m 35 years old. I’ve been married, had children, have a good education and a decent job and I’m sitting there thinking… I’m getting more out of this than these girls. If I’d known 20 years ago and really was able to accept and apply this to my life at that point, I wouldn’t have needed to go through all the crap I’ve gone through. But, then I think too, maybe I’ve needed to go through all this crap to be able to really accept what I’m hearing, to really be able to say, YES! To let it seep down into the cracks and fissures of my life and my soul to nourish, heal, restore.

I needed to be told how much God loves me. I needed to remember that HE is my best friend and that I never have to change who I am, or what I do to impress Him. He made me and loves me. I know that sounds simple, and to those of you who have a relationship with Christ, it’s the basics. Maybe that’s where I’m at again. The basics. Because when all of life’s ‘stuff’ has been stripped away from you, that’s what you’re left with. It’s not a bad place to start rebuilding. Loving yourself is hard sometimes. I'm learning to love me, maybe for the first time in my entire life, I think I'm ok. Not because a boyfriend or husband or parent tells me I am. But, because I believe God, and He is too wise to be mistaken.

The lyrics to a particular song by Natalie Grant seemed like they were ripped from the pages of my soul. There are other lyrics I’ll post later, but for tonight, this is where I am… In Better Hands.

It's hard to stand on shifting sand
It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night
You can't be free if you don't reach for help
You can’t love if you don’t love yourself

There is hope when my faith runs out
Cause I'm in better hands now

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

I am strong all because of you
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move
Oh I am changed, yesterday is gone
I am safe from this moment on

There's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now”

On God's Clock

This week has been really hard for me. I finally realized that sometimes, even when God lays all things out in a seemingly perfect time frame (and then clues you in to it) that it's not set in stone. By this time next week many things in my life should have been settled. Now, none of those things will have been finalized.

Trust is harder than Faith or Belief. Faith is defined as "confidence or trust in a person or thing" that seems to be passive, inactive. The definition of belief is much the same: "confidence in the truth or existence of something not immediately susceptible to rigorous proof." Yep, I can sit right back here in my comfort zone and say I have faith or I believe, but trust is different. Trust, defined as "reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence." Ok, wow. That recognizes your loss of control of the situation and forces you to rely on someone else. In this case, God. Why is that so hard? He is after all, the one who made us, and made this place we live in and provided a means of salvation. Do I somehow think I'm bigger than God? I have a better idea? No, but it's always a bit disappointing when plans fall through, when dreams are postponed. I've come to trust that in those moments, it is one more way in which God is lovingly holding out his hands and saying "my provision, my timing, my plan is what is absolutely best for you, because I love you with a jealous, everlasting love and want you to grow into the person I intended you to be".

So, here I am, waiting for the race to start. In the moment between the tick and the tock, I put my trust in the keeper of the clock.

This generation.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other night, and we started discussing the current generation (because we're over 30 and we can do that now, talk about those youngins and how screwed up they are). We discussed how it seems like there is a generation of parents and kids who have somehow decided that they are entitled to do whatever they want, and the parents enable this behavior. When did we decide as a society that we had to tiptoe around a kids' self-esteem to the point that we say "Oh, it's ok that you failed that test, it's not your fault, you must have mis-understood the directions", or some such tripe. C'mon. the kid didn't study, didn't pay attention in class (or skipped class altogether) and only showed up for the test. They DESERVED to fail. I did a little research on the subject (ok, I Googled it and went to Wikipedia) I found this interesting little historical note:

From the late 1970s to the early 1990s Americans assumed as a matter of course that students' self-esteem acted as a critical factor in the grades that they earn in school, in their relationships with their peers, and in their later success in life. Given this assumption, many American groups created programs which aimed to increase the self-esteem of students, assuming that grades would increase, conflicts would decrease, and that this would lead to happier and more successful lives. Until the 1990s little peer-reviewed and controlled research took place on this topic.

“ The concept of self-improvement has undergone dramatic change since 1911, when Ambrose Bierce mockingly defined self-esteem as "an erroneous appraisement." Good and bad character are now known as "personality differences". Rights have replaced responsibilities. The research on egocentrism and ethnocentrism that informed discussion of human growth and development in the mid-20th century is ignored; indeed, the terms themselves are considered politically incorrect. A revolution has taken place in the vocabulary of self. Words that imply responsibility or accountability — self-criticism, self-denial, self-discipline, self-control, self-effacement, self-mastery, self-reproach, and self-sacrifice — are no longer in fashion. The language most in favor is that which exalts the self — self-expression, self-assertion, self-indulgence, self-realization, self-approval, self-acceptance, self-love, and the ubiquitous self-esteem. ”
—Ruggiero, 2000


Peer-reviewed research undertaken since then has not validated previous assumptions. Recent research indicates that inflating students' self-esteem in and of itself has no positive effect on grades. One study has shown that inflating self-esteem by itself can actually decrease grades.[13]

High self-esteem correlates highly with self-reported happiness. However, it is not clear which, if either, necessarily leads to the other.[14]

So, there you have it. We (as a society) screwed up. High self-esteem does not improve grades, and can in fact, increase violence, bullying etc (as the article goes on to say). Wow. So, maybe rather than patting little Johnny on the head and telling him it's not his fault, we need to take ownership of our actions. Be responsible for our own choices and tell the kids the TRUTH. Sometimes, you fail. Pick yourself up and do better next time.

Scratching the surface

I have a friend who has been bugging me to blog for a while. I don't blog very often, but when I do, I hope it's something meaningful. To that end, I've found out that my blog's readability level is:

TV Reviews

Now, that will probably go down the more I write, but I guess it was a very wise man who said: "It is better to keep quiet and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

Things have been slowly evolving for me. I find that the more I live alone, the more self-respect I have. The more standards I hold to and don't compromise on. I'm proud of me. I'm proud of my house, my job, the way in which I do things. After all the years of emotional abuse, co-dependency and self-loathing. It's good to finally love myself.