Political

I'm SO incredibly tired of political ads and phone calls. BLECH. I can't wait for this election to be over and done with and to not have to hear about it again for a long time. It's almost enough to make me NOT want to vote, but I think I have to this year. Can't wait for Novemeber 5th.

Resting

As I walked to church this morning with the leaves crunching beneath my feet and the cool wind making me thankful for the light sweater I wore, I smelled fall on the wind followed by snow. The smell of wood smoke lingered in the air as I looked over the fields that were green just a few weeks ago, now mellowed to a dusty tan. The earth is getting ready to rest, to hibernate under its covers of leaves and snow and prepare for another year. I, too, am resting, curling up under the covers of blankets and comforters and recovering from all this year has brought. This time of year always makes me reflective, more so this year than ever before. I’m not sure I’ve really taken the time to process all that happened at the end of 2007. I am still amazed at where God has brought me and at all of the healing that has taken place. There are changes within me I never expected. I am deeply content with who I am and where I’m at in life. I’m not restless or in pursuit of anything greater than what I already have. I am grateful for all I’ve been given. Life is good.

Philippians 4:7 (The Amplified Bible) And God's peace shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Sick

I've been fighting it for well over a week now and I have to finally admit it, I'm sick. (Yo! No comments from the peanut gallery about my mental state. We all know that ship sailed a LOOOONG time ago.) I've had a raging headache for the last 24 hours. My throat feels like someone buffed it with sand paper and my voice is barely more than a squeak most of the time. It's really hard to teach when you can't talk. My students love it. :) Tonight I started in with the chills and nausea. So, bring on the chicken soup, dayquil, robitussin, vitamin C, hot baths and lots of rest. I'm sick... and I'm tired of fighting it.

Memory

The way we remember things is fascinating to me. If I had a lot of money and a lot of time on my hands, it would be something I'd love to research. I have a theory that we don't really start remembering things until we start talking (as toddlers, around age 2). Then as we progress and mature, memory is enhanced and compounded with other senses, sound, sight, smell. There have been times in my life that were extremely stressful, and it was all I could do to get through one day at a time. Those times I have very little memory of. Maybe it's the mind's way of protecting itself. Then other times a certain smell will bring back long-forgotten memories so vivid I feel like I'm re-living that situation. Other times I will see something (usually a photo of someone) whom I had forgotten about, and suddenly a flood of memories will come back associated with that person. It seems that as time goes on, people tend to look back at situations that they may have thought were horrible at the time and think 'it wasn't so bad' and remember those times fondly, or at least remember the people fondly. I think our brains filter more than we realize, and that for the most part, it's a self-preservation instinct.

Seasonable

I've discovered that seasonable is a relative term. This week has been proof of that as I try valiantly NOT to get a cold. Fall weather with the extremes in temperatures really play havoc with my system. I'm constantly either too warm or too cold and so I dress in layers so I can adjust my temperature accordingly. This morning I wore a t-shirt, sweater and medium weight coat to work to ward off the chilly 35 degree weather. I ended up carrying both the sweater and the jacket home as the temperatures soared into the 70's today.

But hey, good news, the ski areas opened this week, so that means winter is officially on it's way.

So, hopefully you're enjoying the weather, whatever it may be wherever you are. God gives us seasons (in weather and in life) for a reason. :)

Forgive

I receive a daily email from Divorcecare.com. The past week or so the topic has been forgiveness. I'm struggling with this right now. I hate the effect my ex can have on me still, almost a year after the decision to divorce was finally made. Even after years of his repeated threats to leave me knowing that my abandonment issues from childhood would be just the button to push to 'keep me in line'. I think he was surprised when I finally gave in to his last threat, his last diatribe about being done and finally agreed with him. I think he's even more surprised that I've managed to land on my feet and am making it without him. I walked away and never looked back. So, now he tries to get to me through the guise of keeping some sort of a relationship with my kids. They don't want a relationship with him, so at this point, I'm ready to completely sever all ties to him. I owe him nothing and want nothing from him but for him to leave me and my children alone. But, is severing ties really forgiving, or is it just burying the hurt? More than anything I want to DEAL with all of the emotional damage done to me in the past and fully heal so that these issues don't resurface in future (well, really, present) relationships.

What I've read so far in these daily devotionals is that:
Forgiveness is not a feeling.
Forgiveness does not mean pretending you weren't hurt.
Forgiveness is not justifying the other person's actions.
Forgiveness does not mean trust.
Forgiveness is not relieving the other person of responsibility.
Forgiveness is a choice.

I don't want to carry the hurt around, it gives him power over me. He doesn't deserve to have any sort of power over me. I don't want to let this damage make me bitter and hateful. I don't want to close myself off and not risk loving again. I want to be free from all these piles of garbage he dumped into my life. If forgiveness is a choice, then I choose not to go back over this ground again. I choose to not revisit old wounds, I choose not to let things get to me. Even though I don't FEEL like forgiving him, It doesn't mean It didn't hurt, it doesn't mean he was right, it doesn't mean I have to trust him, it doesn't mean I have to have a relationship at all with him. It means I choose to walk away without taking the garbage with me.

Funk

I've been in sort of a funk all day. I think it's because I woke up angry. I'm angry because I dreamt about the ex last night, and dreamt he was belittling me, making snide comments to me at a family gathering. Whether this was just a vivid memory (because there were many instances like this) or a dream, I'm not sure. This all came about because of an email he sent yesterday. It's amazing how one little snide comment, one assumption made about how I feel can dredge up hurts I thought were long dealt with. I'm realizing that some wounds are deep, it takes time for them to fully heal. More than anything I *want* to fully heal, but it's a longer process than I expected. I wish I could just purge my memory and soul from the negativity he brought (and continues to try to bring) into my life. I try to remember the good times, think of good qualities about him, and forgive. It's harder than it sounds.