Political

I'm SO incredibly tired of political ads and phone calls. BLECH. I can't wait for this election to be over and done with and to not have to hear about it again for a long time. It's almost enough to make me NOT want to vote, but I think I have to this year. Can't wait for Novemeber 5th.

Resting

As I walked to church this morning with the leaves crunching beneath my feet and the cool wind making me thankful for the light sweater I wore, I smelled fall on the wind followed by snow. The smell of wood smoke lingered in the air as I looked over the fields that were green just a few weeks ago, now mellowed to a dusty tan. The earth is getting ready to rest, to hibernate under its covers of leaves and snow and prepare for another year. I, too, am resting, curling up under the covers of blankets and comforters and recovering from all this year has brought. This time of year always makes me reflective, more so this year than ever before. I’m not sure I’ve really taken the time to process all that happened at the end of 2007. I am still amazed at where God has brought me and at all of the healing that has taken place. There are changes within me I never expected. I am deeply content with who I am and where I’m at in life. I’m not restless or in pursuit of anything greater than what I already have. I am grateful for all I’ve been given. Life is good.

Philippians 4:7 (The Amplified Bible) And God's peace shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Sick

I've been fighting it for well over a week now and I have to finally admit it, I'm sick. (Yo! No comments from the peanut gallery about my mental state. We all know that ship sailed a LOOOONG time ago.) I've had a raging headache for the last 24 hours. My throat feels like someone buffed it with sand paper and my voice is barely more than a squeak most of the time. It's really hard to teach when you can't talk. My students love it. :) Tonight I started in with the chills and nausea. So, bring on the chicken soup, dayquil, robitussin, vitamin C, hot baths and lots of rest. I'm sick... and I'm tired of fighting it.

Memory

The way we remember things is fascinating to me. If I had a lot of money and a lot of time on my hands, it would be something I'd love to research. I have a theory that we don't really start remembering things until we start talking (as toddlers, around age 2). Then as we progress and mature, memory is enhanced and compounded with other senses, sound, sight, smell. There have been times in my life that were extremely stressful, and it was all I could do to get through one day at a time. Those times I have very little memory of. Maybe it's the mind's way of protecting itself. Then other times a certain smell will bring back long-forgotten memories so vivid I feel like I'm re-living that situation. Other times I will see something (usually a photo of someone) whom I had forgotten about, and suddenly a flood of memories will come back associated with that person. It seems that as time goes on, people tend to look back at situations that they may have thought were horrible at the time and think 'it wasn't so bad' and remember those times fondly, or at least remember the people fondly. I think our brains filter more than we realize, and that for the most part, it's a self-preservation instinct.

Seasonable

I've discovered that seasonable is a relative term. This week has been proof of that as I try valiantly NOT to get a cold. Fall weather with the extremes in temperatures really play havoc with my system. I'm constantly either too warm or too cold and so I dress in layers so I can adjust my temperature accordingly. This morning I wore a t-shirt, sweater and medium weight coat to work to ward off the chilly 35 degree weather. I ended up carrying both the sweater and the jacket home as the temperatures soared into the 70's today.

But hey, good news, the ski areas opened this week, so that means winter is officially on it's way.

So, hopefully you're enjoying the weather, whatever it may be wherever you are. God gives us seasons (in weather and in life) for a reason. :)

Forgive

I receive a daily email from Divorcecare.com. The past week or so the topic has been forgiveness. I'm struggling with this right now. I hate the effect my ex can have on me still, almost a year after the decision to divorce was finally made. Even after years of his repeated threats to leave me knowing that my abandonment issues from childhood would be just the button to push to 'keep me in line'. I think he was surprised when I finally gave in to his last threat, his last diatribe about being done and finally agreed with him. I think he's even more surprised that I've managed to land on my feet and am making it without him. I walked away and never looked back. So, now he tries to get to me through the guise of keeping some sort of a relationship with my kids. They don't want a relationship with him, so at this point, I'm ready to completely sever all ties to him. I owe him nothing and want nothing from him but for him to leave me and my children alone. But, is severing ties really forgiving, or is it just burying the hurt? More than anything I want to DEAL with all of the emotional damage done to me in the past and fully heal so that these issues don't resurface in future (well, really, present) relationships.

What I've read so far in these daily devotionals is that:
Forgiveness is not a feeling.
Forgiveness does not mean pretending you weren't hurt.
Forgiveness is not justifying the other person's actions.
Forgiveness does not mean trust.
Forgiveness is not relieving the other person of responsibility.
Forgiveness is a choice.

I don't want to carry the hurt around, it gives him power over me. He doesn't deserve to have any sort of power over me. I don't want to let this damage make me bitter and hateful. I don't want to close myself off and not risk loving again. I want to be free from all these piles of garbage he dumped into my life. If forgiveness is a choice, then I choose not to go back over this ground again. I choose to not revisit old wounds, I choose not to let things get to me. Even though I don't FEEL like forgiving him, It doesn't mean It didn't hurt, it doesn't mean he was right, it doesn't mean I have to trust him, it doesn't mean I have to have a relationship at all with him. It means I choose to walk away without taking the garbage with me.

Funk

I've been in sort of a funk all day. I think it's because I woke up angry. I'm angry because I dreamt about the ex last night, and dreamt he was belittling me, making snide comments to me at a family gathering. Whether this was just a vivid memory (because there were many instances like this) or a dream, I'm not sure. This all came about because of an email he sent yesterday. It's amazing how one little snide comment, one assumption made about how I feel can dredge up hurts I thought were long dealt with. I'm realizing that some wounds are deep, it takes time for them to fully heal. More than anything I *want* to fully heal, but it's a longer process than I expected. I wish I could just purge my memory and soul from the negativity he brought (and continues to try to bring) into my life. I try to remember the good times, think of good qualities about him, and forgive. It's harder than it sounds.

Dare

At this point,I've been writing about the love dare for almost 20 days. The love dare is a 40 day journey toward leading your heart back into loving your spouse. While I will probably continue to read through the Love Dare book on my own, I'm going to stop blogging about it daily. It's been a good tool for me so far to take a look at some of the things in past relationships that I could have done differently, and hope to do differently in the future. But, for now, I have some other things in my life I'm concentrating on, and I need to have the freedom to explore other things right now. If you've enjoyed reading about The Love Dare, I encourage you to buy a book on your own and start your own love dare!

Wait

Today the overwhelming message I have received is “wait”. But not just to wait impatiently, or to wait in vain, but to wait with great expectation. Wait with confident assurance. This morning in my women’s Bible study class this quote jumped out at me. “We are never standing still, we are either going forward or backward, but when it seems like we are standing still, that is when we are waiting on God, and in that time of waiting, we are actively preparing for what He has in store for us”. That was a reminder I needed while I wait and prepare for the next adventure in my life.

Then in the sermon, the visiting speaker talked about betrothal and how in ancient Jewish customs, the man would ask the girl’s father for her hand in marriage and if the father agreed, and the daughter agreed, then the two exchanged rings and the betrothal period began. The groom would go away, back to his home and prepare a place (build a house – usually an addition to his father’s house or on his father’s property) for the bride. He also worked to raise the bride price that was decided upon by her father. While he was gone, the bride would prepare herself to become a wife, to have all the linens, utensils, bedding, clothing and household items she would need (her hope chest). She would be actively preparing while waiting, not only her material possessions, but her heart to become the wife of her betrothed. This betrothal period was legally binding (Mary and Joseph were betrothed when Jesus was born, and in order to get out of that circumstance, Joseph would have had to give Mary a certificate of divorce). The bride might wait 2 years (or more) for her groom to return. He would return to claim his bride, and expect her to be ready and waiting for him. There would ensue a wedding and a 7 day feast marking the ‘honeymoon’ period. They would then return to the home the groom had prepared for them. The illustration the Bible uses to describe the relationship between Christ and the Church is that of a bridegroom who has gone to prepare a place for his beloved, and when he returns, He will expect us to be ready and waiting, that we will have been preparing all along for His return. Not flailing around or getting tired and wandering off, but diligently working at what He asked us to do.

This applies to so many areas of life both spiritually and in practical life. I waited a long time to have more custodial time with my children. While I waited, I wasn’t always patient, I wasn’t always diligent and sometimes I wasn’t even sure it would ever happen. But, I was able to continue to wait, to put my trust in God and to do whatever I could in the meantime to be there for my kids. I didn't have a choice.. I was fully committed to being their mom the moment they were born. I couldn't just decide to walk away and cease being their mom. So, I had to continue to do what I could despite the distance and legal issues. That obstacle was one of the biggest I’ve ever had to overcome in my life. I thought it had made me a patient person. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to wait placidly and calmly and do ‘nothing’. My personality just isn’t one to sit still or stand back when there’s something to be accomplished.

So, while I confidently wait for the man in my life, I am preparing. I’m looking over the fractures and fissures and some gaping holes in my heart and spackling and painting and doing some major remodeling in some areas. I am working at getting rid of all the excess garbage, de-cluttering and organizing so that my beloved won’t be constantly tripping over the chaos and brokenness inside. Never before have I wanted so much to present myself as whole and radiant to my groom.

In the past, I thought that whatever circumstance or brokenness I was facing, my spouse would help heal. That just being married would solve many of my problems. I know I have the strength to solve these problems with God’s help, and none other. I know that when I face my groom, I will do so with no gaping holes, no peeling paint or questionable construction.

Understood

"When a man is trying to win the heart of a woman, he studies her. He learns her likes, dislikes, habits, and hobbies. But after he wins her heart and marries her, he often stops learning about her. The mystery and challenge of knowing her seems less intriguing, and he finds his interests drifting to other areas."

"Consider the following perspective: if the amount you studied your spouse before marriage were equal to a high school diploma, then you should continue to learn about your mate until you gain a "college degree"... ultimately a "doctorate degree" Think of it as a lifelong journey that draws your heart ever closer to your mate."

Studying your spouse involves asking questions, listening and asking God for discernment. Delving into the mystery that makes up your spouses actions, attitudes and perceptions is to become intimate in knowledge of them, to know them better than anyone else on the planet. You may not always agree with his or her point of view or perceptions, but knowing these things will help you gague how your spouse will react in future situations.

I have not been fortunate enough to be friends for a long time with my former spouses before we married. I don't believe they knew me well before we were engaged or married and I don't believe they took the time to try to get to know me after we were married. My actions were often misinterpreted, assumptions made, and attitudes formed based on inaccurate knowledge of my feelings or motives. Fortunately, I now have the chance to explore at great length the nuances of my partner's personality. I always wanted a doctorate degree, and I have a fascinating subject to study.

I have a book suggestion for getting to know your spouse better. It's actually designed for dating or engaged couples, but it has a variety of questions you can ask your mate and questions for discussion. It's called Intellectual Foreplay. I bought it some time ago, and haven't had to break it out very often to spur on deeper questioning, but when I get stuck, it helps generate things I want to know more about my partner. Check it out.

Intimate

" Each of us comes into life with an inborn hunger to be known, loved and accepted.......Someone who knows us intimately can either love us at depths we never imagined, or can wound us in ways we may never fully recover from. It's both the fire and the fear of marriage"

Today we talk about intimacy. Marriage should be a safe harbor in the midst of the storms of life. It should be a place where we can be ourselves and not have to worry about our past mistakes being flung in our faces. Sharing intimate details of your history with your spouse can either lead to shame and scorn from them, or love, acceptance and forgiveness. The warning is that if the love and acceptance doesn't happen within the marriage relationship, that level of intimacy may be found in other areas of life. It may lead to adultry, emotional or physical, or to workaholicism (yeah, I made that up). Somehow, we all need to feel accepted, respected and loved.

In my own life, I used to find that acceptance and respect at work, and maybe that is why work is so hard and somewhat dissatisfying for me lately. The place I used to associate with love and acceptance is no longer the place I'm receiving that. No wonder I'd rather be at home. :) I guess I just need to readjust my perceptions and grin and bear it just like everyone else in the world. I used to escape home to go to work where I was happy and loved. Now I can't wait to escape work to go home where I am happy and loved. Of the two choices, I'll take the latter.

Have a great weekend!

Honor

Today’s reading is about honoring your spouse. This one is really hard to do when you’re in a situation where you don’t feel loved or respected or honored in return. When your spouse won’t look you in the eye when you talk, they walk out of the room in the middle of a discussion, or act like it’s an inconvenience for them to acknowledge your presence, it’s hard to act as if everything they say is important and noteworthy. Unfortunately, we’re not called to act as we’ve been treated, but to act as we would like to be treated. This doesn’t mean that when we don’t get what we want out of our spouse we quit acting with honor and respect. Here’s an interesting excerpt that really hit home for me.

“Honoring your mate means giving him or her your full attention, not talking to them from behind a newspaper or with one eye on the television. When decisions are being made that affect both of you or your whole family, you give your mate’s voice and opinion equal influence in your mind. You honor what they have to say. They matter and because of the way you treat them, they should know it.”

Does your spouse feel honored? When they walk into the room do you focus your attention on them and see what they have to say, or do you treat them like another piece of furniture? Or, maybe like a vehicle that you use to take you places, but only pay attention to it’s needs when it breaks down. Today’s challenge is to choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse. Opening a door for her, putting away clothes for him, looking at them while they speak to you, and letting them know that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes.