Re-release.

"I feel...thin. Sort of stretched, like...butter scraped over too much bread." -Bilbo Baggins

The rigor with which I've set my schedule for the next month or two is starting to scare me. I'm starting to be very nervous about a couple of the projects I'm in charge of. Part of this is my perfectionism rearing it's ugly head. Needing to have everything go perfectly, scripted, precise. Part of it is because I have a certain amount of control over the success of these projects, where in other areas of my life right now, I have absolutely NO control, and that in and of itself wears on me.

Someone told me today, that I'd get through it all, because I'm strong. Right now, my "muscles" are really sore and fatigued. Probably because I'm playing tug-of-war with God, in whose capable hands I've already released many of these worries. Apparently, His arms are much stronger than mine, and I'm fighting a losing battle. One that will only leave me torn. I guess it's time to re-release some of the things I keep trying to take back. Forgive me.

1 Peter 5:7 (The Message) God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you.

Becoming Home

According to Dictionary.com (one of my favorite sites besides wikipedia.com) there are 26 definitions of "home". This amazingly versatile four letter word can be used as a noun, adjective, adverb, or verb. Lately it means much more to me. Partly, because I’ve recently closed on the purchase of my home

(that is my
”house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household “. ~ definition 1, (noun))

. I feel really good about the purchase and I love my cute cozy house. The town is starting to grow on me and I enjoy my neighbors, my church, my job. People at the hardware store know me (they should, I’ve done enough home improvement projects lately) people at the post office recognize me. I’m starting to make real friends.

I think home can be a place, a state of mind, a feeling, a dream. Right now, for me, it's all of those things and more. It’s a process.

Stress Free Rest

I don't think I'd fully realized how deep down tired and weary I've been. The past several months have taken a toll on me emotionally and physically. I've tried to be strong, 'put on a happy face', 'never let them see ya sweat' and all that good stuff. The sad truth is, I was exhausted. I was bone-jarringly, person-shatteringly deep-down-in-my-soul tired.

This past week I had a chance to finally really fully rest. Not just sleep, not just relax, but to rest my spirit, my heart, to heal, to restore, to be safe. Now as I look at the remainder of the school year looming before me, I'm so glad I took the opportunity to just 'be'. I've never really had a vacation like that before. I'm usually one to schedule every day, every detail, make sure I hit all the 'important' spots you're supposed to go to when visiting another place. As a result, you need to recover from your vacation when you get back. I didn't do that this time and it was amazing. No pressure, no schedule, no deadlines. I feel ready to face the tasks I have before me.

In the next 8 weeks at work I have to:
*finalize and put on a county wide job fair
*attend several conferences and training sessions
*finish the yearbook
*put on the spring play
*produce the senior DVD and slide show for graduation
*put programs and structure in place for next school year

and still manage to attend all the activities and functions that my own three kids are involved in: 4-H, Wrestling, Track, Soccer, AWANA, *whew*. Yeah, I'm glad I had a break. In the days and weeks to come, I can take little mini mental vacations back to last week, and hopefully re-capture some of that restful peace I experienced.

Inquisitive

So, I saw this one on someone else's blog, and thought it looked interesting, so I decided to see what kind of punctuation mark I am.

You Are a Question Mark

You seek knowledge and insight in every form possible. You love learning. And while you know a lot, you don't act like a know it all. You're open to learning you're wrong. You ask a lot of questions, collect a lot of data, and always dig deep to find out more. You're naturally curious and inquisitive. You jump to ask a question when the opportunity arises. Your friends see you as interesting, insightful, and thought provoking. (But they're not always up for the intense inquisitions that you love!) You excel in: Higher education You get along best with: The Comma

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

Hmmm.. I think that's a pretty fair assessment. The only question on the quiz I would answer differently put me as a colon, so... I think I'd rather be a question mark. :) What are YOU?

Spring!

It's taken me a little while to fully adjust to the time change that happened earlier this week. I was commenting to a friend of mine the other day, that it seems like you need three extra hours of sleep to make up for that one that you missed. Anyway, I think my internal clock has finally adjusted. I actually love the time change in the spring. It means I get to see the sunrise on my way to work in the morning, and have time once I get home to take a walk and play outside with the dogs before the sun goes down. Last night I was marveling at how warm and light it was at 7:00 pm. The ground is starting to thaw, things are starting to get green, the birds are singing, the kids are rowdy at school. ;) All sure signs of spring.

Spring is also that sweet anticipation of summer. Being a teacher, I really look forward to summer and the chance to re-energize and plan for the next school year. I enjoy travelling with my children. We've explored quite a few states, and have plans to go add some more to our 'list' this summer. My oldest daughter and I have a pact that I'm going to try to make it into all 50 states by the time I'm 50 (and she's going to do that too, by the time she's 50). I have 15 years and 13 states to go. Alaska may be tricky.

Spring also means Easter and as I look forward to Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter Sunday, I am thankful once again for the redemption Christ offers. New life, spring, a fresh start. :)

Generous Redemption.

Psalm 130 (A mixture of The Message and NIV versions)
Help God - the bottom has fallen out of my life!
Master, hear my cry for help!
Listen hard! Open your ears and hear my cries for mercy.

If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
and that is why you are worshipped.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
My life's on the line before God, my Lord,
waiting and watching till morning,
waiting and watching till morning.

O Israel, wait and watch for God -
With God's arrival comes love,
with God's arrival comes generous redemption.
He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.

In the women's Bible study I'm attending, we are studying the Psalms of Ascent (Psalm 120-134). I've been anxiously awaiting studying Psalm 130 because it has so much meaning for me. One night last summer, after a particularly hurtful encounter with my STBX, I was reeling from what he had said. I was petrified, terrified of what his decisions meant for my life. It was 2 or 3 in the morning and I couldn't sleep because I was so upset. So, I did something that set me on the path of true healing. I picked up my Bible and turned to the Psalms. This Psalm lept off the page at me and as I poured over it I started to feel some sense of reassurance and peace. I have a NIV/The Message parallel Bible, so bouncing back and forth between translations brought out more depth of meaning for me. As Beth Moore puts it,

"Many of them [the Psalms of Ascent] have been like fountains of living Water to this road weary traveler who detoured too many times into the ditch on her way to Mount Zion. That He still bid me "Come!" is a grace gift beyond comprehension"

As I sat weeping over a life that was seemingly shattered and in ruins, God reached down and started piecing my heart back together, even before I asked.

That night I also started reading through the book "The Twelve Steps for Christians". I got to a checklist that identified "Characteristics of Adult Children". My first reaction was, didn't they miss something there like "Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics" or "Characteristics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families" or some other qualifier. Then I realized, they probably had it right after all "adult children". People who are chronologically 'adults' but for some reason or another were still emotional children. As I kept reading, I identified so strongly with the majority of the characteristics, I was dumbfounded. I don't come from a family of abuse. The major source of pain in my childhood came from the lack of a strong relationship with my father which is the root of the dysfunction I've experienced in my adult relationships. Partly because I wrongly expected other people to 'fix' the sad little girl I was still holding on tightly to inside. I expected them to take the place of that heavenly father relationship and make me feel worthy. As I read back through those characteristics now, they don't pull at me like they did before. I no longer feel trapped or defined by those attributes. I've been set free, rescued. Through some excellent counseling, and a miraculous exercise called re-integration, that little girl has been rescued as well. She's finally been allowed to grow up. This time, with a heavenly Father that is perfect, and whose love and approval are unconditional. Praise Him!

Community

Last night I had a real melding of my worlds. Students from my 'old' school that I taught at for 4.5 years were playing in a basketball tournament in my new hometown against the 'old' school of my 'new' principal, so several students from my 'new' school came to the game. I had a bunch of people over to my house afterward to hang out, play games, eat pizza and chat. It was a lot of fun and I remembered how much I love the people from my 'old' life. It was also good to hear from people who saw me at my lowest how happy I seem, how great life seems for me and how much I've changed in just a few short months.

Today will be even more of a melding of these two worlds as my 'old' team plays the hometown team to determine who gets to go to the state tournament next week. I'm sure I'll see people from my 'old' school sitting alongside people I know here in my new community from church, or just from around town. It will be interesting.

_____ UPDATE________

So, the boys from my old school lost in overtime by 4 points. A heartbreaking loss.
As the people from my old school left and went home, and I turned around to go back down the 5 or 6 blocks to my house I had the strangest feeling. I don't really 'belong' with those people any more. I'm not sure I 'belong' with these people in this new town yet either, but I'm making friends and that's progress. The only place I know I truly belong is with my children, and with God. Every thing else is just frosting.

Heritage.

I was talking to my best friend last night about grandparents and some memories I had of my childhood. This week in Bible Study we also talked about our Spiritual Heritage. I've been thinking about it all week. I'm so fortunate to have had the godly example of my dad's parents. Grandpa was a pastor who had lived a rough a tumble life before finally letting God have his way with him. Once God took hold of that man's life, he was forever and irrevocably changed. Through that one man, generation upon generation of my family has had the example of faith lived out loud and unashamedly. I'll forever be grateful for that.

Psalm 100
A psalm. For giving thanks.
1 Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

2 Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.

3 Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his [a] ;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.

5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Fenced In

I’ve been having trouble with my dog getting out of the fenced back yard at my house. He keeps digging under the fence and squeezing through these really tight spaces that I couldn’t have imagined that he would get through. Yet, time and again, he finds another little space to worm his way through and break free of the huge back yard that I have for him to romp and play in. I think God feels my frustration. He’s put these boundaries in place for me to protect me from the road hazards of life. He placed me in this great open spacious place to enjoy, yet, somehow I always think there’s something better beyond the fence. So, I squeeze through the perceived loopholes, the little gray areas and go trotting on down the path that leads to destruction.

Boundaries are actually a good thing. How many times have you heard someone say a child will push the boundaries hoping that a parent will care enough to push back and show them that love and concern for them. As a parent lovingly disciplines a child to keep them on the right path, so God places boundaries around for us for our own protection. He knows His path is better. His way is smooth, yet we would rather jump the fence and go ‘hiking’ over boulders, rocky places, dangerous traps. We may even go spelunking into the deep caverns and hidden places we were never meant for. Then when we fall into the pit we desperately cry out for help, and God is there, lifting us out, brushing off the dirt and grime, wiping away our tears and setting us once again within the confines of his boundaries and upon his smooth path.

I am learning that God’s path is actually the easier path. I didn’t say it was easy, just easier. He will still allow obstacles into my life, but with His guidance, I can navigate even the most treacherous path, and emerge victorious with a whole heart free from some of the scars that can make me callous and insensitive to His gentle guidance.

Psalm 128:1 All you who fear God, how blessed you are! How happily you walk on his smooth straight road! (The Message)

Proverbs 16:25 There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death. (KJV)

Psalm 40: 1-3 I waited patiently for the Lord He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.(NIV)

In like a lamb?

Well, March is supposed to come in like a lion and go out like a lamb, but today was an exceptional day for March 1. It got up to at least 74 today, which may be a record. I can almost taste it though, spring is in the air, I heard woodpeckers today, and saw the first shoots of green coming up out of the earth. The snow is finally gone and the earth is slowly starting to wake up again. Unfortunately, the waking up process is going to hit the snooze button tomorrow. We're supposed to get a snow storm (which is much more typical for this region at this time of year). So, today I walked, I took photos, I was outside as much as I could be. It's that teasing taste of what's to come that makes the waiting that much harder.

Speaking of teasing glimpses. I talked to one of my dear friends yesterday, who lost her mother recently. She was telling me that during the last month of her mother's life, her mother kept getting glimpses of heaven. She had one foot on the earth and one foot in heaven. Imagine the teasing taste she was getting! I long for the day that I can run into my Savior's arms and rest and be held. I long for heaven. Until that time, I guess I'll just enjoy the little glimpses I can get.

2 Corinthians 5:1-10
1Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. 2Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, 3because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. 4For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. 5Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

6Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. 7We live by faith, not by sight. 8We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. 9So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. 10For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.