Spring

Well, It's springtime here again, which means: SNOW!! (and WIND.. which equals Blizzard!) This week my children had their first snow day from school. They may have their second one tomorrow. I am on Spring Break, so no interruption in my school schedule, and it's been nice to get some things done around the house. One thing I didn't count on, however, was needing to entirely rebuild 50 feet worth of privacy fence. I'm done with the tearing down process, but haven't even really started on the putting back up process. I don't know that it will get done before Monday when I have to go back to school, but I'll get it done eventually. I sort of have to! The dogs can't live in the garage forever. :)

Perfect

I, like many moms I know, struggle with 'perfection'.. not that I'm perfect and struggle with it, but that I EXPECT myself to be perfect and to do things perfectly and beat myself up when I can't quite measure up to my own expectations. While that may sound like a really lame thing to worry about, it's something that I'm trying to 'let go' of. Trying to be perfect all the time stresses me out. It makes me cranky and impatient and it stresses my kids out too. I'm trying to let go a little. My life doesn't always have to work out the way I planned (in fact, it rarely does) and I learn to adapt quickly when I'm teaching, so I need to carry that over into the rest of my life.. and just let go a little.. The problem is, I'm sort of an 'all or nothing' kind of person, so I'm afraid that if I let go too much I'll end up not doing anything well. It's all a balance.

Today I heard the song "Perfect" by Sara Evans (on Pandora radio, if you don't listen, you should.. it's personalized radio.. how cool is that?) The words were some that I need to keep in mind, in every area of my life.

If you don't take me to Paris
On a lover's getaway
It's all right, it's all right
If I'd rather wear your t-shirt
Than a sexy negligee
It's all right, it's all right
Every dinner doesn't have to be candlelit
It's kinda nice to know that it doesn't have to be

[Chorus]
Perfect
Baby every little piece
Of the puzzle doesn't always fit
Perfectly
Love can be rough around the edges tattered at the seams
But honey if it's good enough for you
It's good enough for me
If your mother doesn't like
The way I treat her baby boy
It's all right, it's all right
If in every wedding picture
My daddy looks annoyed
It's all right, it's all right
Don't you know that all the fairy tales tell a lie
Real love and real life doesn't have to be

[Repeat Chorus]

You don't mind if I show up late for everything
And when you lose your cool it's kinda cute to me
Ain't it nice to know that we don't have to be

[Repeat Chorus]

It's good enough for me (perfect)
Yeah good enough for me (perfect)
Good enough for me (perfect)

Miracles

I never thought I'd be able to say that my ex (the one I have kids with) and I are friends. But, in the past few weeks, with all that is transpiring in his life, and by extension, my life, we've built some bridges. His wife and I have been communicating frequently, we're getting to know each other on a personal basis, rather than as 'the step-mom'. She's a remarkable woman. I'm fortunate to be able to get to know her this way. It's amazing to see the peace that has come over my children as a result.

Romans 17 -19 Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it." ~ The Message

Alone

So, as I contemplate the changes that could possibly occur in my life in the next few months, I realize that I usually try to prepare myself for the 'worst case scenario'. I tend to get fatalistic about things and jump to the very worst possible conclusions and prepare myself for that eventuality. Right now, I'm mentally preparing myself for the possibility that I will end up utterly alone in the middle of nowhere. Sure, I'll still have co-workers and church friends and neighbors, but no family, no one here who a) my world can revolve around or b) whose world revolves in constant orbit with mine. I find that this is my biggest fear in life. Why? probably because I'm an extrovert and a nurturer by nature, and I think I actually *need* to have someone else to take care of. Of course, I'll still have my dogs, and I guess that's something.. at least I won't be the crazy cat lady.

Sadness or Euphoria

Today as I was listening to online radio I heard this Billy Joel song that I'd never heard before. It's called Summer, Highland Falls. The words really rang true with how I'm feeling today.

They say that these are not the best of times
But they're the only times I've ever known
And I believe there is a time for meditation
In cathedrals of our own
Now I have seen that sad surrender in my lovers' eyes
I can only stand apart and sympathize
For we are always what our situations hand us
It's either sadness or euphoria

And so we'll argue and we'll compromise
And realize that nothing's ever changed
For all our mutual experience
Our separate conclusions are the same
Now we are forced to recognize our inhumanity
A reason coexists with our insanity
And so we choose between reality and madness
It's either sadness or euphoria

How thoughtlessly we dissipate our energies
Perhaps we don't fulfill each other's fantasies
So we stand upon the ledges of our lives
With our respective similarities
It's either sadness or euphoria