Little Things

I've been doing a lot of introspection lately. I'm looking back over the past several years of my life and figuring out what I've done that's good, and where the problems lie in my life that I need to take care of. Maybe it's because I'm going to turn 36 in a month. Maybe it's just because I'm trying to be a better person. Whatever the reason, I've re-discovered that it's the little things that matter most. The small daily decisions that add up over time. Whether that's diet and exercise, or in interpersonal relationships. Small choices made over a period of time add up. Sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad. I'm going to start making some small changes in my life in order to achieve the goals I really want.

1. A healthy body
2. Healthy relationships

Those two are enough to focus on right now.

Apostasy

Recently, I've gotten back in touch with friends from late high school, early college years. Two of these friends, who were very strong Christians when we met have now become agnostic or athiest. This is a little scary to me. It bothers me that people can so casually toss aside something that is foundational to who I believed them to be. I'm trying to wrap my head around it a bit more, but don't think I'll really understand until I hear their whole story. I guess I just can't fathom not believing. I've been angry and hurt and confused and frustrated with God, but I always still believed He was there.

Miles to go

Miles to Go Before I Sleep (Celine Dion)

I would walk to the edge of the universe for you
Paint you a crimson sunset over sheltering skies
I could learn all the world dialects for you
Whisper sonnets in your ear discovering truth
I could never worship pagan gods around me
I will only follow the path that leads me to you baby... always

Every step I take for you
I will always defend, never pretend
That every breath I take for love
I could never be wrong, the journey is long
With miles to go before I sleep, miles to go before I sleep...

I would carry the rock of Gibraltar just for you
Lifted like a pebble from the beach to the skies
I could build you a bridge that spans the ocean wide
But the greatest gift I give you would be to stand by your side
Some can criticize and sit in judgment of us
But they can't take away the love that lives inside us always

Every step I take for you
I will always defend, never pretend
That every breath I take for love
I could never be wrong, the journey is long
With miles to go before I sleep, miles to go before I sleep...

I won't run from the changing signs along the highway
Let the rivers flow to the highest ground created

Listening to my own advice...

"It's never too late to be who you might have been" ~ George Eliot

"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it". ~ Charles R. Swindoll

“One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”

“Life is all about timing... the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable... attainable. Have the patience, wait it out It's all about timing.” ~ Stacey Charter

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~ Albert Einstein

These quotes are on my facebook page, and I believe every single one of them. But, sometimes it's hard to take your own advice. I'm a worrier by nature. I plan ahead, I prepare, I imagine, I envision, I mentally rehearse. Part of this is because I don't want to look foolish, part of it is so I make sure I cover all my bases, and part of it is because of the circumstances I've found myself in the past couple of years, always having a contingency plan. Slowly, (very slowly apparently) I'm learning to take each moment, each day for what it's worth and trying to make the most of it. I'm still far from learning this lesson (because God keeps putting me in situations to exercise the character trait of patience). Forgiveness, Grace, Mercy I've learned, Trasparency I was born with, Patience is a lesson I'm still learning.

Psalm 37: 1-7
1 Don’t worry about the wicked
or envy those who do wrong.
2 For like grass, they soon fade away.
Like spring flowers, they soon wither.

3 Trust in the Lord and do good.
Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
4 Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.

5 Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.
6 He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

7 Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes.

Gearing Up

In a few short weeks, I’ll be heading back to the classroom and a new school year will commence. I’m mentally trying to prepare myself for this adventure. Each school year is unique, from the variety of courses I teach, different students, and a changed building dynamic with new staff. I’m looking forward in some regards to this school year, but I also know I have some challenges ahead of me. Thankfully, I’ve had one semester at this school under my belt already and I know the lay of the land so to speak. Still, I know I’ll have butterflies the first day of school, and that once I’m there, I’ll be excited, energized and ready to take part in the grand experiment we call education.

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As I was talking to a couple of friends of mine who are teachers, I realized why it is I'm having such a hard time gearing up for school this year. It's not because I'm burned out, it's not because I dread the commute.. what it is.. is that I'm not escaping from an unpleasant situation anymore. Home is fun, safe, comfortable for me for the first time in 6 years of starting a school year. I'm not mourning the end of summer with my children, and the dread of surviving until the next summer with a jealous, unsupportive spouse. I'm happy at home, it's where I love to be. So, that makes a huge difference in the desire I have to leave here every day. I just thought I'd share that revelation.

Sloshy

My bathroom flooded last night.. and not just a little, oh no, it flooded in grand fashion. 2 inches of standing water, a carpet and pad and wood soaked through. Quite the mess. Thankfully, I have people to call. Friends at church had a shop vac that they let me borrow which got up about 15 gallons of water. I'd already soaked up about 5 gallons with towels (and then wrung them out into a 2 gallon bucket that we emptied about 3 times). I ripped up the soaked pad and used the tiny fans overnight. Now, I'm borrowing big fans and trying to dry the carpet out. It's propped up on every stool I have, with the fans blowing underneath. I'll have to replace the pad and get the carpet re-strectched and most likely cleaned, but such are the joys of home ownership.

Distance

Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire. ~Francois de la Rouchefoucauld

What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined... to strengthen each other... to be at one with each other in silent unspeakable memories. ~George Eliot

Sometimes distance really sucks. Especially when you know that it's going to be a while until you see the one you love again. Right now, distance in my love life is evil, but necessary. Necessary because it allows me to grow, to heal, to settle in, and evil, well, because it's love, and love craves closeness, shared memories, time together. I suppose a few weeks ago I asked "Now What"? I guess this is the "Now What" in my life. Learning to be content knowing that the one I love is out there, even though distant loving me back. Thanks for making it work babe, and for your steadfast patient consistant presence.

A Love Poem

SONNET 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Shakespeare said it so well.
Love is Grand. :)

Mid-Summer

Wow, it's hot. I'm sure I have nothing on people who live in the desert southwest, but it's been really hot here lately, and I've been trying NOT to run my AC. I know, strange, but I feel like I can literally see the money just flying through the air as the compressor starts up. So, I've opened all the windows and have worked on moving the air around with some fans. For now, things are ok. I've never had AC before, so I'm not really sure how much it could effect my utility bill.

So, we've spent a lot of time at the pool lately, and sitting around watching episodes of Gilmore Girls, and in general relaxing and hanging out together. It's been great, but it's soon coming to an end. I don't feel frantic wanting to cram more into the summer, We have one more set of grandparents to see and then we've filled our grandparent quota for the summer, other than that... no plans. Feels kind of nice.

There's seriously not much more to report. Lazy summer days. :)

Now What?

For so many years now, I've been working on something. Some major obstacle that needed to be overcome so I could 'get on with my life'. Now that the last hurdle has been overcome, it's a little daunting. There's this wide open future before me. No barriers, no hinderances, no obstacles. The sense of freedom and well-being I have is overwhelming. I have never in my life felt this much peace, joy, freedom, happiness. I am so grateful for the multitudes of friends and family who have been praying for me and my children over the years. God's hand has moved mightily on behalf of my children, and I am grateful to be part of the solution.

Psalm 100
A Thanksgiving Psalm
1 -2 On your feet now—applaud God! Bring a gift of laughter,
sing yourselves into his presence.

3 Know this: God is God, and God, God.
He made us; we didn't make him.
We're his people, his well-tended sheep.

4 Enter with the password: "Thank you!"
Make yourselves at home, talking praise.
Thank him. Worship him.

5 For God is sheer beauty,
all-generous in love,
loyal always and ever.

Time for Independence.

With today being independence day, it seemed like a good time to talk about independence. Independence, not needing to rely on someone else, something else, free to make your own choices, freedom from restraint and control. Good stuff as long as it's handled responsibly. For one of the first times in my life, I feel pretty independent. Sure, I need help sometimes (I am a single mom afterall), but for the most part, independence feels fantastic.

Yesterday was the custody hearing for my children. While the pleading was actually to reverse custody and have the children live with me full time and their dad only part time, I knew with my recent changes in marital status, that wouldn't happen. So, I was pleased to have roughly 43% of the time to my ex's 57% of the time (he has other children and the kids' need sibling time with them, so he gets them more). At any rate, I have my children MUCH more than I used to, and it will be a good thing. So, all of the major hurdles that I was facing 6 months ago have been overcome. Each one in a way better than I could have hoped for, and all in God's timing. The lessons I'm learning are hard, but so so worth the wait.

Happy Independence Day.