Give me your heart.... and let your eyes delight in my ways (Proverbs 23:26)
One of the things the Love Dare emphasises is that you are supposed to 'lead' your heart rather than 'following' your heart. You are to take control of your emotions and dictate what your actions will be rather than blindly stumbling along and letting your fickle, heart toss you about. Newlyweds easily delight in each other. They are full of romantic dreams of happily ever after marital wedded bliss with never an argument and never a bad breath kiss in the morning. Soon after the honeymoon is over, the lovely man or woman you married starts showing tendencies you never knew were there. They squeeze the toothpaste from the center not the bottom, they put the toilet paper roll on the dispenser the 'wrong' way. They are a morning person, you are a night owl and so the rounds of negotiations, revelations and disappointments start spinning. It's easy to lose sight after 5 or 10 or 20 years of marriage as to exactly why you married that person in the first place. Sometimes just staying married is hard, much less delighting in your spouse. The beauty of the marriage relationship is that it can be reborn and renewed. You can choose to treasure your spouse, choose to see your differences as strengths rather than weaknesses and see in your spouse the person God intended them to be. Maybe it's time to laugh again, flirt again, dream again and gaze into your spouse's eyes. I know it seems mushy, or sappy, but as the songs say.. the best part of love is when it's brand new. It's fun to be 'in love' So, convince your heart to give it a try.
Today's task is to purposefully neglect and activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something your spouse would love to do or start (and finish?) a project together.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Fight Fair
Today’s reading in The Love Dare is about fighting fair. It talks about establishing boundaries or ground rules for when disagreements occur. Learning to ‘fight fair’ is an important part of preserving a marriage. Some of the most hurtful and damaging things have been said to me in the heat of the moment, the words themselves hurt, but the volume with which they were delivered and the hate in my partners eyes is something that I’m still trying to erase from my memory. Physical wounds heal much easier than those emotional cuts.
It is suggested to establish “WE” rules and “ME” rules. In other words, establish rules that you both agree with, and your own personal rules on how you will treat your spouse when conflict arises.
The Fireproof movie is out in theaters now. I encourage you to check your local listings and see if it’s playing nearby. Go by yourself, with a group of friends, or with your partner. I truly believe this movie could start a fresh wave of commitment and renewal in marriages around the world. I know it’s helped spur me on to really examining and looking at what went right and what went wrong in my past relationships, and hopefully gives me a chance to heal and change before moving forward into another relationship. After all, those who don’t learn from history are bound to repeat it.
It is suggested to establish “WE” rules and “ME” rules. In other words, establish rules that you both agree with, and your own personal rules on how you will treat your spouse when conflict arises.
“Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger” (James 1:19)
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1)
The Fireproof movie is out in theaters now. I encourage you to check your local listings and see if it’s playing nearby. Go by yourself, with a group of friends, or with your partner. I truly believe this movie could start a fresh wave of commitment and renewal in marriages around the world. I know it’s helped spur me on to really examining and looking at what went right and what went wrong in my past relationships, and hopefully gives me a chance to heal and change before moving forward into another relationship. After all, those who don’t learn from history are bound to repeat it.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Bending
"The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield" James 3:17
Stubbornness is something I inherited from my father….. and my mother. Today’s reading is about letting go of all those little fights and disagreements. Give your spouses’ ideas and thoughts full weight. Let them know that you’re on the same team.. not enemies to combat each other, but teammates trying to solve a problem together, with different perspectives and different communication styles. Some issues like child rearing, even having children can be huge issues that you don’t want to just give in easily on, but they can be worked out with love and mutual respect. Other issues that are of a moral nature, or go against your relationship with God must be non-negotiable.
I’ve married two extremely stubborn men. Both were professing faith in Christ. Both seemed to want to work things out. Both were fiercely controlling and manipulative. Both marriages failed. In both these marriages, I felt like we might have been in the same boat, but we were paddling in totally different directions. I think disagreements are fine, and discussion is good as long as you keep in mind that you’re in this together, not fighting each other. As I watched my dad and step-mom work out communication difficulties this weekend (projects always bring out those differences in ideas and ways of communicating them) I was glad to see that they’ve developed a way of respecting each other’s point of view and disagreeing (for the most part) in love. Not only was it good to see my dad be loving, but it was good to see him be loved.
My prayer is that I will remember that my spouse is not an enemy to defeat, but my ally in the closest sense of the word. My most trusted adviser and confidant. Treating him with anything but utter respect is diminishing the strength of that relationship.
The task for today is to give in on an area of disagreement with your spouse. This doesn’t mean a big area, but just a little one.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Cherish
Today’s reading is about cherishing your spouse. The book gives two examples, in one you have a car that is getting older, it needs a lot of repair and you decide to not invest more money into it, but go buy a newer car, after all, cars are made to wear out right? The second example is of getting into an accident and crushing your hand. You would use whatever resources you had to rehabilitate that hand so it was useful again, even go through painful surgery and physical therapy. Can you see the parallel here? Marriages are sometimes treated like used cars, and we trade up or trade in for a ‘new model’. The point I believe they’re trying to make is that you’re supposed to do for your spouse (ie: the car) what you would do for yourself (ie: your hand). I admit, I’m not fond of the comparison, but I understand the sentiment. You’re supposed to treat your spouse as well as you would treat yourself, and if your spouse is hurting, or grieving, or struggling, or rejoicing, or being rewarded, you should be there with them helping them through it, just as you would do for yourself.
When I look back at two failed marriages, I think “Did I do this? Did I cherish my partner? Did I do everything for them that I could to make sure they were getting what they needed?” In the first case, I can't really say, all I know is that I was the one who left. I left because my sanity was at stake there, and as a result, my very life. That made me that much more determined in the second marriage to make it work. In the second marriage, I replaced the engine, transmission, alternator, tires, battery, wiper blades, fuses, and gave it a new paint job, and still, that wasn’t enough. It still drove itself to the salvage yard and refused to leave. What I can learn from that experience is that putting your all into the repair is worth it. It may not make the car continue to function, but it makes you stronger, more compassionate, and more capable of love.
Today’s task is to do something that will let your spouse know you are cherishing them. Again, remember their love language and try to speak to them in that language.
When I look back at two failed marriages, I think “Did I do this? Did I cherish my partner? Did I do everything for them that I could to make sure they were getting what they needed?” In the first case, I can't really say, all I know is that I was the one who left. I left because my sanity was at stake there, and as a result, my very life. That made me that much more determined in the second marriage to make it work. In the second marriage, I replaced the engine, transmission, alternator, tires, battery, wiper blades, fuses, and gave it a new paint job, and still, that wasn’t enough. It still drove itself to the salvage yard and refused to leave. What I can learn from that experience is that putting your all into the repair is worth it. It may not make the car continue to function, but it makes you stronger, more compassionate, and more capable of love.
Today’s task is to do something that will let your spouse know you are cherishing them. Again, remember their love language and try to speak to them in that language.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Unconditional
“For richer or poorer, for better, or for worse, in sickness and in health”
There are three commonly categorized types of love. Phileo - means to have an affection (sentiment, passion or feeling) for. A fondness based in the heart. What the Greeks meant by Phileo love is what we normally think of the words "brotherly love" meaning today. I’ve heard the sage advice over and over that you have to be ‘friends first’ to make a relationship last and I believe that’s a good start. It’s not ‘bad’ advice, but it’s not really the key to a lasting relationship. Lets’ face it, there are going to be times when you just plain don’t like what your partner is doing. When you’re angry, hurt and really don’t want to be their friend. If that’s the basis for the relationship, it’s over at that point. You hear excuses like “I never really knew you” “You aren’t who I thought you were” “You’ve changed”.
The second type of love is eros love. Eros is probably what most people mean when they announce with a smile, "I'm in love." This type of love covers everything from queasy stomachs and warm fuzzy feelings to strong sensual passion.
There are a couple of very interesting characteristics about eros. First, in order to exist eros is dependent upon the situation and circumstances. As long as a couple is enjoying a romantic situation, eros can thrive. But, as soon as hurtful words or actions appear, eros simply evaporates.
Second, eros is also held captive to each person's perception. For example, if someone perceives a particular quiet evening dinner with candles to be romantic, eros will thrive. However, passion becomes squashed for someone whenever he or she interprets the current situation to be undesirable. Eros thus grows strong and then wastes away based upon our perceptions.
Although eros at times might make us feel like we are on cloud nine, it can not provide a reliable basis for building a deep and meaningful relationship since it is so fickle and dependent upon perception and circumstances. Because of such things as accidents, diseases, and the fact that someone can choose to doubt or despise you regardless of your actions, it is clear that we can not determine how others will perceive us nor are we masters of our own circumstances. Although eros is exhilarating, this is not the true foundation a lasting relationship should be built on either.
So.. what’s left? Agape love. This love is unconditional. It is the “ I love you no matter what” it’s a choice more than a feeling. This is the type of love God demonstrates to us. “And this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (I John 4:10) “We love, because He first loved us.” (I John 4:19). Did you catch that.. He first loved us… Agape love is proactive. It isn’t based on the action or decision of others. It isn’t waiting for your partner to do something nice for you and then acting in kind, it’s loving them first. It’s loving them when they’re rude and angry and hurtful. It’s unconditional. One of my favorite passages is Romans 8:38-39 “Neither death, not life, not angels, nor principalities, not things present, not things to come, nor powers, no height, nor depth nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” That’s such a comfort to me. I’ve felt abandoned and rejected by people I thought would never leave. It’s taken me a long time to fully trust that God won’t leave either. I just said the other day that it’s taken me 30 years to really fully accept that God loves me just the way I am and I don’t need to ‘earn’ it. It’s a good reminder to me, that nothing can take away that love.
Have I ever really truly experienced Agape love? Not other than in my relationship with Christ. I do believe that it’s possible. I believe I have the capacity to love in that way, now that I’ve experienced it for myself through Christ. Apart from having that example, I wouldn’t be able to accept or demonstrate agape love. I’ve tried the other two. I think now it’s time to try the third. I guess the third time really is a charm.
There are three commonly categorized types of love. Phileo - means to have an affection (sentiment, passion or feeling) for. A fondness based in the heart. What the Greeks meant by Phileo love is what we normally think of the words "brotherly love" meaning today. I’ve heard the sage advice over and over that you have to be ‘friends first’ to make a relationship last and I believe that’s a good start. It’s not ‘bad’ advice, but it’s not really the key to a lasting relationship. Lets’ face it, there are going to be times when you just plain don’t like what your partner is doing. When you’re angry, hurt and really don’t want to be their friend. If that’s the basis for the relationship, it’s over at that point. You hear excuses like “I never really knew you” “You aren’t who I thought you were” “You’ve changed”.
The second type of love is eros love. Eros is probably what most people mean when they announce with a smile, "I'm in love." This type of love covers everything from queasy stomachs and warm fuzzy feelings to strong sensual passion.
There are a couple of very interesting characteristics about eros. First, in order to exist eros is dependent upon the situation and circumstances. As long as a couple is enjoying a romantic situation, eros can thrive. But, as soon as hurtful words or actions appear, eros simply evaporates.
Second, eros is also held captive to each person's perception. For example, if someone perceives a particular quiet evening dinner with candles to be romantic, eros will thrive. However, passion becomes squashed for someone whenever he or she interprets the current situation to be undesirable. Eros thus grows strong and then wastes away based upon our perceptions.
Although eros at times might make us feel like we are on cloud nine, it can not provide a reliable basis for building a deep and meaningful relationship since it is so fickle and dependent upon perception and circumstances. Because of such things as accidents, diseases, and the fact that someone can choose to doubt or despise you regardless of your actions, it is clear that we can not determine how others will perceive us nor are we masters of our own circumstances. Although eros is exhilarating, this is not the true foundation a lasting relationship should be built on either.
So.. what’s left? Agape love. This love is unconditional. It is the “ I love you no matter what” it’s a choice more than a feeling. This is the type of love God demonstrates to us. “And this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (I John 4:10) “We love, because He first loved us.” (I John 4:19). Did you catch that.. He first loved us… Agape love is proactive. It isn’t based on the action or decision of others. It isn’t waiting for your partner to do something nice for you and then acting in kind, it’s loving them first. It’s loving them when they’re rude and angry and hurtful. It’s unconditional. One of my favorite passages is Romans 8:38-39 “Neither death, not life, not angels, nor principalities, not things present, not things to come, nor powers, no height, nor depth nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” That’s such a comfort to me. I’ve felt abandoned and rejected by people I thought would never leave. It’s taken me a long time to fully trust that God won’t leave either. I just said the other day that it’s taken me 30 years to really fully accept that God loves me just the way I am and I don’t need to ‘earn’ it. It’s a good reminder to me, that nothing can take away that love.
Have I ever really truly experienced Agape love? Not other than in my relationship with Christ. I do believe that it’s possible. I believe I have the capacity to love in that way, now that I’ve experienced it for myself through Christ. Apart from having that example, I wouldn’t be able to accept or demonstrate agape love. I’ve tried the other two. I think now it’s time to try the third. I guess the third time really is a charm.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Hi Love..
Today’s reading is about greetings. Apparently (and I had to go look this up for myself) the Bible gives great weight to the way in which we greet one another. I Peter 5:14 says “Greet one another with a kiss of love” (this is a favorite verse of jr. high youth groups to justify kissing, I’m sure). We are supposed to greet everyone (even our enemies) with kindness and graciousness. Jesus commanded us on the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5) to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. Sometimes our spouses can seem like enemies, yet it’s easier to be kind to strangers at the supermarket than it is to be kind to our own partners. “Consider the difference it would make in your spouse’s day if everything about you expressed the fact that you were really, really glad to see them”. Sometimes you’re not… and that’s when love becomes a choice. This is where leading your heart rather than following your heart comes in.
I’ve had this played out over and over in my life. One of the things that helped cement my relationship with Eric is his constant use of the greeting “Hello beautiful”. Even just reading it on IM gave my whole day a lift in some of the darkest times of my life. It was an acknowledgement that someone valued me. More recently, there have been times when I’m frustrated or angry or just plain out of sorts, and the phone rings and I hear ‘hey babe’ and half of that frustration and anger just melts away. It reaffirms that I am loved, that I matter and it is gentle and loving, and always heartfelt. I appreciate that so much.
This is really a simple task. Choose to greet your significant other (or your children or your parents or whomever you meet today) with a warm greeting. See how much better it makes you feel, and how it blesses their day.
I’ve had this played out over and over in my life. One of the things that helped cement my relationship with Eric is his constant use of the greeting “Hello beautiful”. Even just reading it on IM gave my whole day a lift in some of the darkest times of my life. It was an acknowledgement that someone valued me. More recently, there have been times when I’m frustrated or angry or just plain out of sorts, and the phone rings and I hear ‘hey babe’ and half of that frustration and anger just melts away. It reaffirms that I am loved, that I matter and it is gentle and loving, and always heartfelt. I appreciate that so much.
This is really a simple task. Choose to greet your significant other (or your children or your parents or whomever you meet today) with a warm greeting. See how much better it makes you feel, and how it blesses their day.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Jealousy
Today’s focus is on Jealousy. Two types of jealousy are described. The first is righteous jealousy, or jealousy that is legitimate. This is the type of jealousy you get when your spouse (or significant other) gets involved with someone else, when their attention, affection or loyalty moves from you to another person. This is also the type of jealousy that God is described to have toward his people. The other type of jealousy that is described is better categorized as envy. You want what someone else has, whether possessions, talents, or position. You can envy your neighbor, you can envy your co-workers and you can even envy your spouse. Today encourages you to become your spouse’s biggest fan, to celebrate with them their accomplishments and to help them achieve their dreams.
I’m not sure I can be totally objective about where I’m at with this one. I know I struggle with what I see as legitimate jealousy. I don’t want my spouse (or significant other) to lavish attention or spend time with another woman. I have a hard time accepting that they can be ‘just friends’. (Partly because I think my honey is the greatest in the world and that every other woman must see how great he is and want him.. after all, I do!) Yet, I’m a total hypocrite in this area because I’ve had male ‘friends’ that I’ve enjoyed spending time with in my life, and nothing has ever come of those friendships, except.. well… friendship. (I don’t really subscribe to the When Harry Met Sally view of men and women in friendships). So, this part of the jealousy thing hit home for me a little. But, I’m not sure the type of jealousy I experience is a bad thing. On the other hand, I don’t think I struggle at all with the illegitimate type of jealousy. I don’t look at what others have and envy it. I don’t envy my spouse’s (or significant other’s) accomplishments, position, possessions or talent. Heck, it’s part of the reason I love them. More than anything, I want them to be happy and live a fulfilling life.
I’m not sure I can be totally objective about where I’m at with this one. I know I struggle with what I see as legitimate jealousy. I don’t want my spouse (or significant other) to lavish attention or spend time with another woman. I have a hard time accepting that they can be ‘just friends’. (Partly because I think my honey is the greatest in the world and that every other woman must see how great he is and want him.. after all, I do!) Yet, I’m a total hypocrite in this area because I’ve had male ‘friends’ that I’ve enjoyed spending time with in my life, and nothing has ever come of those friendships, except.. well… friendship. (I don’t really subscribe to the When Harry Met Sally view of men and women in friendships). So, this part of the jealousy thing hit home for me a little. But, I’m not sure the type of jealousy I experience is a bad thing. On the other hand, I don’t think I struggle at all with the illegitimate type of jealousy. I don’t look at what others have and envy it. I don’t envy my spouse’s (or significant other’s) accomplishments, position, possessions or talent. Heck, it’s part of the reason I love them. More than anything, I want them to be happy and live a fulfilling life.
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