Possibilities

I have a lot of stuff going on under the surface today. I am working on lesson plans for the first few weeks of school, but I'm also trying to plan and figure out what is going to be happening in my personal life.

My honey has decided to heck with Florida and he's moving to Colorado sometime before Thanksgiving (heck, at this point it sounds like sometime before the first day of Fall). I'm excited about this, relieved to know we don't have to do the long distance thing much longer, but also curious as to how our relationship will change. The time apart has been good for us to develop a deep intimacy of thought and feeling and great communication. I just hope that continues as we're living our lives side by side and there's no need to 're-hash' our day and share all those little thoughts and feelings and ideas.

The other big change is that my children will be going to school where I teach. The younger two will be in middle school and my oldest will be at the high school with me. This will be a huge change, in that I will not only see my children every day on the way to and from school, but I will have my oldest in class as a student. I remember having my parents working at the school I went to, and for me it was a comfort knowing they were close by when I was little. As I got older, and teachers would tell my parents things that if they hadn't worked there, they would have never taken the time to call them up and let them know, it got to be uncomfortable. I just hope I don't cramp my daughter's style and allow her to be her own person and find her own interests and friends.

In addition to my children going to school where I teach, there is a possibility that they may be living with me 'full time' meaning, they'd see their dad every other weekend and stay with me the rest of the time. This is dependent on their dad moving to the town he works in, which is what he wants to do, and is making steps toward doing that (right now he's commuting an hour each way every day to his job). I know this is heartbreaking for him, but I also think it's what needs to happen for the good of all the children involved in the situation. The timing of it is totally up in the air.

Through all of this, I've realized that one of the things I've been struggling with (I call it being in limbo) is that I have no control over any of these situations. There is nothing I can do to speed up the process or to make sure things happen the way *I* think they should. Once again, I'm trusting in God's timing, in His plan, and that He will work it all out. I know He will, He has a good track record, it just requires me to quiet *my* heart enough to let Him work and not muck up the process.

Geeky

Ok, I admit it, I'm a geek. In some areas more than others. Last night I let the true band geek run rampant as I watched the DCI (Drum Corps International) Quarterfinals on the big screen at the theater. Now, that may not seem like much to some folks, but this was 5 hours long sitting in a movie theater with people I didn't know, but we were all cheering together just the same. This theater also happens to be two hours away from my house (the closest theater that was showing the DCI quarterfinals). I loved it. The corps were great, it made me nostalgic for the days I would hang around the pit crew when my brother was in Blue Knights. I'd really like to go to finals week sometime. Maybe next year, until then... I may just have to go catch the DCI top 12 online tonight.

Time Flies

Wow, It's August already and school starts for me a week from today. I had a really good summer. I didn't get done everything I should have around the house, but I did have a fantastic vacation with the kids and the Powells, and that was much needed. Now, as I look at what I need to accomplish for the school year, I'm excited about what this year holds. I'll be taking my children to school where I teach, so that's exciting and will actually have my oldest daughter as one of my students. I continue to be amazed at God's timing, His complete gentleness when dealing with us, and His extreme love for me, and His mercy in all circumstances. Some of the things that have been in limbo for a long time are starting to shake loose for me, and some things that have been long anticipated are starting to show progress, so that's a relief. I think I've learned more patience through this time, but more importantly, I've known all along that God's timing is perfect.

Growth

It's exciting to see evidence of growth and healing. Tonight I was looking for some song lyrics I knew I had on the computer somewhere and came across some old letters I'd saved. One was from two years ago when I very first started this journey of recovery and healing, one was from a year and a half ago when I said goodbye to the ex. The last one was from just over a year ago and was a list of things I was working on. Now, I can't say that everything on that list is crossed off and taken care of, but much of what I have struggled with for so long has simply ceased to be an issue because of my understanding of my position in Christ. This was very clear to me as I read the book "The Shack" this weekend. For some, it may be a book that is a radical departure from their way of viewing God. For me, it was a great affirmation of the intimate relationship I have with the creator, redeemer and lover of my soul. I have so many question marks in my life right now, but, though I'm excited about how they will all be answered, I have no doubts of the rightness of God's timing, or of the extreme care and love bestowed upon me by an benevolent, protective heavenly parent. I find myself looking at others a little differently, and reminding myself that God is especially fond of ALL of his children.

We're back

It was a fantastic trip. We rode roller coasters, went to the beach, rode more roller coasters, played in water parks and pools and more beaches and saw a lot of animals and spent time just hanging out and relaxing with my favorite person in the world. I really didn't want to leave, not only because the 27 hour drive home was much less appealing to me than the drive out, but because I felt very comfortable, and at peace there, I always do. I'm still getting used to being 'home'. It was so nice to be away for a while and pretend that the pressures here don't exist. But, now, it's back to reality, and yard work and preparations for school. I was dismayed when I walked into our local store tonight and found they already had school supplies out on the shelves. I still have almost a month of summer left! :)

When I got back, I had a yard full of weeds to pull and mowing to do in the back (a neighbor mowed the front while I was gone so it would at least look like someone was sort of here). As I was pulling weeds one morning this week, I was again reminded of how a physical garden is a good metaphor for our spiritual lives. Left untended for a while, weeds crop up and choke out the good plants. It's a lot easier to weed it daily and only have a few minutes work to do, rather than having a marathon weed pulling session that takes hours. It was a gentle reminder to me, that I need to be taking care of my spiritual 'garden' every day too.

Preparations

We're leaving.. for almost a month! I'm excited, but also a little nervous that I won't remember everything I need to bring. So, I make lists. My BF jokes that I makes lists of my lists to keep it all organized, which isn't quite true, but close.
I'm a little nervous about driving across the country (1800 miles one way) with three kids, but I also remember the amazing trips my mom took me and my brother on when we were growing up, and I feel like it's my turn, and I want to make those kinds of memories with MY kids. I also want to know that I can do it. I've planned and prepared for this trip for over three months, and now I have to wait one more week before we can get in the car and drive. I have lists of things to do to keep me busy, so I won't drive myself crazy. YAY for road trips.

New birth.

I know this is strange.. but hopefully today my children will have a new half sister. I remember the wonder I felt after the birth of each of my children. This song goes out to my kids' newest half sibling, and her mother, who I can finally call my friend.

I just heard this song for the first time on Pandora. I really love the lyrics and the haunting melody.

In My Arms by Plumb on the album Blink

Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly cues
Your contageous smile
And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight

Knowing clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies

Knowing clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you

Clouds will rage
And storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms